Day 16 – Tuesday, Dec. 20: I remembered the reason I’m doing this

20 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery Tags: , , ,

Quick, before my aunt and uncle return and he begins his evening round of Freecell, I shall post!

There’s an event coming up later this week and I have been hemming and hawing about going. Some of the activities are not fun for me, nor comfortable. In fact, if it weren’t for the company, I wouldn’t go at all. Then I remembered the point of this journey is to break past my fears. So, I’ve decided to go. I’m still a little nervous about showing up properly attired and equipped, but I’ll get over it.

I realized, the discomfort I feel around certain kinds of activities is rooted in fear. The fears are silly, actually. They include things like worrying about what people might think of me if I’m not dressed a certain way, if I don’t want to partake of certain foods or beverages, if I don’t think such-and-such is fun or any number of other things I might do “wrong.” I notice that notions of “right” and “wrong” are often at the heart of my fears, as if life were all about doing things “right” or “wrong.” Who decides which is which in the first place? And since when is our world so black-and-white that there’s a dichotomy of judgment around any given behavior or activity?

In any case, I’ve decided to attend at least this one event precisely because it’s uncomfortable and scary for me. The cost is minimal. The people who will be there include many I know and like. And I might even forget myself and have some fun. Besides, I want to exercise my “pretending to be brave” behavior so I can have an opportunity to discover that my fears were (of course) completely unfounded. As I have often discovered before, my fears about doing xyz are usually far worse than actually doing xyz.

So, that’s it for today. No major breakthroughs today. Although I did release a small item I had started to hang onto. I realized holding onto silly little things (like this envelope with Russian words printed on it – I have a thing about the Russian language) is the very reason I have accumulated such an alarming amount of stuff, including lots and lots and lots of papers, in the first place. I also let go of preconceived notions about what kind of cereals I might buy and had a wonderful experience of buying some new, cool, gluten-free cereals at this wonderful whole foods store nearby. I think my body’s going to appreciate that!

Okay, enough for now. Dinner’s a-cooking and I want to be ready to relax and enjoy it when it’s done!

Todays action step(s):

  • Deciding to go to ignore my fears and apprehensions and go to a gathering with some of my friends.
  • Signing up for more workshops to help me in my job search.

Day 15 – Monday, Dec. 19: Falling behind or catching up?

19 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , , , ,

I’m not honestly sure whether I had unrealistic expectations when I set my goals for this blog or simply underestimated the challenge of limited computer access. I have come to realize that trying to take “action” toward my goals every single day does not allow much room for grace. Nor does it allow me room to grow or to integrate what I am learning – especially if I put narrow parameters on what form the steps of the journey take. However, I still prefer to think in terms of my intention to daily attend to this project and it remains an ongoing conversation in my thoughts.

 I don’t have access to an online computer right now, as I am writing this, and actually the power just went out, so I have to shut my computer down for now…

 Power’s back on for now. We’ll see if I can complete this entry…

I’m learning a lot about letting go these days. Most of my weekend, which began Friday evening after a full day’s work, was spent at InterPlayce in the Life Practice Program – our final weekend for this group. The weekend was full of opportunities to dive into the things that are “up” for me, which includes my fears. I came home too tired to even think about tackling anything “productive.” After the first week or so of working on this blog until past my usual heading for bed time, I have been reluctant to push the envelope. Even now, I should be getting ready for bed – I really need the sleep. But I’ve missed too many days already.

It would be nice to be able to say I tackled a particular something-or-other this weekend, but the truth is, I came home and either headed straight for bed or unwound a little and then headed for bed every evening for the past three nights. The mail I picked up on Friday still awaits my attention (except the two Christmas cards from cousins). The piles and clutter still linger. My resume is not yet revised after some new and helpful suggestions. Yet I know all of these things will be taken care of in time.

It has also just occurred to me that I actually did do something this weekend that I have usually been too afraid to do in times past.

A colleague said something to me that felt rude. I was taken aback and already a bit out of sorts with so much on my mind. I chewed on it for a while and resisted the urge to say something snippy. When I finally found the courage to say something (which actually happened less than an hour later), we both managed to muddle through the conversation fairly well. I told her how it had felt to me; she felt sad that I had experienced her request that way. I acknowledged that I knew it was my problem and we actually discussed how both of us might have responded differently.

It may seem odd (or not), but I believe this is one of the first times I have ever directly addressed something like this and dealt with it head on. Certainly, it is the first time I have dealt with something like this so quickly. In times past, I would have continued to stew, complained to someone else, or generally avoided facing it at all. But I work with this person and want our relationship to be free of hidden resentments. When I acknowledged that it felt scary just bringing it up with her, she understood. Near the end of the conversation, when I (jokingly) asked her if she’d write a note to my sponsor, she gave an enthusiastic, “Yes!” 😉 and we high-fived for the both of us.

I realize this is actually the sort of random occurrence I hope will happen more often as I continue to hold the intention of walking this journey.

This weekend’s action step(s):

  • Dealing with an uncomfortable and awkward situation almost immediately after it happened.

Day 11 – Thursday: Sneak attacked

15 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , ,

Sometimes fear does a sneak attack when I’m not looking.

Yesterday I made a small payment on one of my credit cards. I closed all three accounts the first month I couldn’t make my minimum payments. I plan to catch up when I can, but the going is slow right now.

This card company called yesterday evening and I told them I’d made a payment. I’ve talked to them before. They know my situation and my intent to catch up and to pay what I can when I can.

This evening, they tried calling again! Less than 24 hours after we spoke? I was driving and couldn’t take the call. I started getting ticked off! My other CC company calls me regularly – every 5 days. That’s not great, but they keep trying to work with me and are, at least for now, willing to hang in there with me while I try to find more work. But they wait to call again until it’s been 5 days.

It has been mildly anxiety-producing to talk to the “nice” cc company every five days, but it’s manageable because they have actually been nice. Apparently they understand that you can’t get what someone doesn’t have to give you. And I appreciate them for it.

What I noticed this evening, though, is that just knowing the other card company had tried to call left me feeling anxious, frustrated, angry and fearful. It triggers for me the experience of bankruptcy some 26 or 27 years ago. Back then, I was terrified of the creditors and avoided them completely. The accounts were quickly handed over to collection agencies and things got worse. It was not fun…at all…for a very long time.

This time, I’ve tried to keep the communication open. It’s a little scary at times, but I know that avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away and sometimes it even makes them worse. So, I’m trying.

I’m not quite sure how to respond to the “other” company – whether to return their call (they never leave messages, but I recognize the number), to send them a letter (certified mail) or both. I have a website to check out to learn more about my rights. I’ll check it out and then make my decision.

The thing is, I want to do things differently than I did 27 years ago. I want to meet my responsibilities and I want to catch up on my bills. I may not be able to do it right this moment, but I’m not willing to blow all this off. It’s scary trying to do this, but it’s still what I want to do. For now. For as long as I can. I’ve been down the other road and it’s a road I don’t need to take again.

Just for tonight, I’ll do my best to let this go, to leave it in God’s hands. I may have to remind myself a few times (or a hundred) to leave this in God’s hands. It’s possible, just a teensy bit possible that I might worry, you know, a teeny, weeny bit.

Maybe it’s time to find that nifty flyer put out by a classmate’s church that has different “numbers” to call when you’re dealing with different things. Like “call” Psalm ## when you’re worried, and so on. I think I could use a bit of encouragement this evening.

Blessings!

Today’s action step(s):

  • Meeting with my sponsor.
  • Throwing away (with growing ease) papers at work once I’ve entered the information. (This is instead of hanging onto them “in case.” I have an annoying stack of those kind of papers already.)
  • Waiting to respond to the “other” cc company until I have more information.

Day 3 – Wednesday: Different journeys?

08 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , , , ,

In the midst of this process, I am often amazed to discover parallels between my journey from a year ago and my journey today. In one of my journals from last year, I wrote: Piece by piece, I find myself pulling together the tattered edges of my life. They have become tattered through neglect and through simply not knowing how – or perhaps being willing? – to go at them in a more effective manner. Shades of the Al Anon journey.

Years ago, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. In 1998, I read Janet Woititz’s book Adult Children of Alcoholics, recommended by a family member who wisely recognized that we were, indeed, raised in an alcoholic home, even though the alcoholic was no longer present in the home (or in our lives for the most part). I was startled to feel like I was reading about myself. One of the things Woititz said was that adult children of alcoholics “guess at what normal is.” How true that is! Lately I’ve begun noticing more and more things that I don’t know how to do. I find myself wondering how others seem to do so many things with ease. I wonder what class I missed while growing up. I wonder what class I can take to catch up. I feel anything but “normal.”

I’m not sure what I meant by “tattered edges” last November. The entry was written just three weeks before I had my hyperactive, unhappy thyroid gland removed. The surgery brought blessed relief to my body and I suspect the transition in my health is what has enabled me to work at deeper levels in other arenas. Being freed from the persistent physical challenge has allowed me to notice more the things going on inside my mind, including the fears to which I turn my attention through this blog-journey. The first two days, I was focused on letting go of stuff I don’t need. This day I reached into other arenas where fear has held me back.

Wednesday was a day of attending to one of the bigger challenges in my present life – learning how to (effectively) search for work. I have a part-time job at a place I love and hope I will be able to stay there. Needless to say, though, having only one part-time job makes life a bit challenging. Thankfully, a friend recently introduced me to a wonderful organization, “JVS” (Jewish Vocational Services) in San Francisco (http://jvs.org). This organization provides a fantastic array of workshops and training to prepare people for finding work and it’s available to whomever needs the help and support, regardless of faith affiliation. There were two JVS activities on my calendar this day.

In the morning, I went into the City to attend a cover letter and thank-you note writing workshop. All through the workshop I thought about a recent application I had submitted. I had learned that I was not being considered for the job, though my resume “impressed” the hiring committee. After attending this workshop, I could see several things I would have done differently in my cover letter that might have given me a better shot at an interview. This part of my day was more helpful than intimidating. The scary part came later – the “networking event.”

I’ve never been to a networking event and the mere idea of going someplace for the express purpose of “networking” intimidates me enormously. I barely know how to socialize with a group of friends. For whatever reason, when I’m with more than one or two people – even friends – I quickly turn into a wallflower and disappear at the first opportunity. Being intentionally with twenty or so people to “network” felt most intimidating. But I’ve made a commitment to “job searching” and learning how to do it. The truth is, I know these events are also teaching me skills that will serve me well in the work I want to do.

After a hesitant start, I found myself rather comfortably visiting with a few different people at various times during the 90 minutes I was there. I had no expectations of finding a job connection at this, so I had let go concerns about how I presented myself and practiced just being me. I was nervous at first, but I’m glad I went. I didn’t stay long, but I learned enough to know I can do this – and to realize that I’ll get better with practice.

Day 2 – Tuesday: Unexpected bump…

06 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , ,

I am appreciating the responsibility of attending to this blog and to doing something that “counts” toward my goal. Yesterday, clearing out some things, then writing my post energized me. In fact, I was too energized to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. Today, I was yawning all day. I’m thinking that clearing stuff out and writing these posts should happen a bit earlier in the evenings.

Today, I feel as though I did far less, yet I notice that fear is starting to creep in… I noticed some mail I had recently picked up and went through that. It was easy to throw most of it away. The student loan notice was disconcerting, reminding me that I will soon need to do some paperwork around that. I actually can’t do it before a certain date, so it looms there rather ominously, an intimidating deadline.

I have a couple of meetings tomorrow, one for which I want to dress a bit nicer than I normally need to do. I spent some time trying on different clothes, realizing how little I have that’s suitable for interviews and similar situations. It was deflating. I also decided to switch to my new, more-professional-looking purse. You’d think that would be simple. But I started feeling nervous doing that simple, but not-so-easy task.

Moving out of my comfortable, casual, back-pack-style purse, in which I’ve been able to carry all sorts of things, was surprisingly disconcerting. You see, my comfy purse provides a kind of security blanket for me. I can carry a bottle of water, snacks, my planner, a small book to read, and all sorts of “in case I need them” things. Which is also why the silly thing ends up being so heavy – and decidedly unprofessional looking. So this one small task of moving into a more professional, conspicuously smaller purse started triggering the fears that accompany looking for work and doing interviews and all the steps in between.

Sometime between the trying on the clothes and putting together my new purse, I got a call from one of my credit card companies – the company that seems less willing to be patient with me as I make tiny payments on my overdue balances. It’s as if there was a convergence – a conspiracy even – of several nervous-making things come to shatter what serenity I might have had.

In fact, this is exactly the reason I started this blog, for it is these kinds of little things of combinations of things that derail me from forging ahead with so many bigger things.

Tomorrow, the meeting that actually has me nervous is a networking event sponsored by a vocational services organization. I am partly looking forward to it and partly (make that mostly) wanting to chicken out. But I’m not willing to avoid doing this. I am reminding myself that it doesn’t really matter what I look like (although I kind of think it does – just not as much as it feels like it does) and that my career and future do not depend on this one semi-social, semi-business event. The thing is, I have little experience “networking” and even less confidence in my ability to do it gracefully. Sometimes I can picture myself acting confidently, but inside I’m quaking a bit. And it isn’t even time to go there yet!

Alas! I know I want to keep moving ahead, even if it gets bumpy. Perhaps especially if it gets bumpy. So now, with wardrobe planned and purses exchanged, I will spend some time doing some journaling, reading and talking to God to wind down for bed and dispel this growing apprehension about tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

Day 1 – Monday: Taking action – the first step

05 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , ,

I must say, whether or not anyone reads or comments on this blog, I am already glad I’ve started it. I want to be held accountable for my efforts to face my fears, and it’s working already.

I have noticed just how many little things seem scary to me and, thus, are often avoided. Letting go of this or that often surprises me in this way. Last week I had to move out of the apartment I had moved into barely six months ago. It was a place I had looked forward to being and my inability to make rent eventually led to my (understandable) eviction by my friend and roommate. I’m glad she set boundaries for herself, even if I am now technically “homeless.” (I am thankful for a temporary place to stay.)

What became clear to me as I was getting ready to move was how difficult it is for me to do just that. I have a ridiculous amount of stuff and moving is never easy. I have three storage units – two close-by, one too far to address anytime soon – and the $223 in storage fees I pay every month could certainly help me with rent. Yet it takes time to cull and clear out a storage unit. You know that axiom that if you haven’t used something for over a year, you don’t need it? Well, that doesn’t mean much if you don’t actually have a place to have your belongings out where they can be used. However, I do have far too many things I do not need.

Like most situations in life, I got into this one step (and piece of stuff) at a time and that’s how I’ll get out of it. In InterPlay, we often refer to “incrementality,” which encompasses the notion of those small steps that lead us into wherever we are and the reality that it will take small steps to get us to where we want to be. (Btw, if you have not yet discovered the wonder of InterPlay, I suggest you visit http://www.interplay.org to see if there’s an InterPlay class or community near you. It is one of the things that is changing my life in ways I could never have imagined just a few years ago.)

What became even clearer to me as I was actually moving and discovering I could not cram all my stuff into my storage units was that my choices will remain limited if I continue to hold onto everything that comes through my space. I could open an office supply store, a book store, and probably a general store with all the stuff I have. There are things I enjoy and want to keep; books and resources that will serve me well (if I can access them); and practical things that I use whenever I am in a space where I can use them. Then there’s all the other stuff: the countless, random things that I no longer need, no longer want, need to toss in the trash, or have held onto simply because I’ve been afraid to let go of them. It is my eagerness to clear these things out of my spaces that motivated this project.

So, despite coming home this evening thoroughly dejected after another possible housing option that didn’t pan out, I reminded myself that this is Day 1 of my 365-day project.

I pulled out a box of recently-accumulated papers, mail, magazines, etc. and got started. I opened the unopened mail and was able to toss most of it. (The important stuff generally gets opened pretty quickly.) I tossed other papers and magazines. Whenever I noticed myself starting to feel anxious going through certain types of papers, I replaced them in the box and moved on to other things. Incrementality, remember.

Wanting to do more than just cull papers, I grabbed a plastic tub of miscellaneous bathroomish things. Soon I found myself freely letting go of things I had hung onto “in case” I might need them. I was surprised at the ease with which I tossed a number of different things and at how good (even fun) it felt.

It’s a small step, a first step. I’m glad I took it. Now we’ll see what tomorrow brings – or should I say, releases?

Taking the plunge – setting the goal.

04 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , ,

Six months ago, I moved into an apartment with a friend, eagerly anticipating a new chapter in my life. I had spent the previous six years in seminary, completing first an MDiv, then a certificate program. After living on student loans and going alarmingly into debt, I was eager to begin this new phase of my life. My education and training prepared me for many things…except how to do some of the most basic things of life. This past week, I moved out of that apartment because I hadn’t been able to make ends meet.

I have learned that I am woefully inadequate in my education around things that most people (I naively presume “most” people) seem to do with ease. This realization came through the  journey I began in Al Anon (the program for friends/families of alcoholics) barely a year after I started seminary. My 12-Step journey has shined a bright (sometimes annoying) light on the nature of this inadequate “education.”

But this blog is neither about my journey through seminary nor my program of recovery, though either my surface from time to time.

This blog is my way out of the fears that have held me captive, undermined my best-intended efforts, and generally made life far rougher than it has needed to be. I never realized just how much fear had seeped into the smallest details of my daily living until the past couple of months. My job search has been sporadic and inadequate. My move out of the apartment was ridiculously difficult, given the amount of stuff I’ve accumulated. And I realize I hardly know where to begin to change my life.

Yet change it I will, with God’s help – and maybe yours!

I was talking to my friend Di the other day and said something we both thought was worth remembering. It went something like, “Wanting to change isn’t going to change anything unless there’s action behind it.” Her observation was that action is a demonstration of my willingness to change. So this is my guide to the action I believe will transform me.

As I have watched myself struggle through the last two to three months, I have noticed more and more places where the underlying problem is actually fear. I would never have guessed as much, but fear has crept into my life in so many places that it’s become pervasive. And the idea of facing it head on is, well, terrifying! Surprise, surprise! So, this is my goal:

Learning (from experience) that changing patterns of behavior takes time, and being inspired by Julie Powell’s example in the movie Julie & Julia, I have decided that for the next 365 days, I will work on the many areas in which fear has led me to hold onto things I don’t need, avoid taking steps I do need, and generally gotten in the way of my doing countless things that would make my life happier and more manageable.

My plan is to daily tackle some task of letting go, clearing out, stepping out or doing any number of other things – big or small – that I have avoided doing or simply not known how to do and to use this site to track or reflect upon my progress. My hope is that you will find me and share with me your own experiences of breaking through fears or tackling the tasks that have been intimidating in your own life. Perhaps we can learn together. (And I would love to figure out how to have a “counter” on the site to count down the days.)

I talked with my son yesterday about starting this blog and expressed concern about how to begin. He told me to just go for it. He wisely echoed what was going through my own mind – that I could spend forever figuring out how to do this just right and how to do all the things I want to do on this site. And it could become just another way in which my fears derail my best intentions. So, here I am and here this is, for better or worse, learning to blog and learning to live fearlessly – or at least live with joy at the heart of each day!

Next Newer Entries

© 2013 LuciasJourney.com