Day 16 – Tuesday, Dec. 20: I remembered the reason I’m doing this

Quick, before my aunt and uncle return and he begins his evening round of Freecell, I shall post!

There’s an event coming up later this week and I have been hemming and hawing about going. Some of the activities are not fun for me, nor comfortable. In fact, if it weren’t for the company, I wouldn’t go at all. Then I remembered the point of this journey is to break past my fears. So, I’ve decided to go. I’m still a little nervous about showing up properly attired and equipped, but I’ll get over it.

I realized, the discomfort I feel around certain kinds of activities is rooted in fear. The fears are silly, actually. They include things like worrying about what people might think of me if I’m not dressed a certain way, if I don’t want to partake of certain foods or beverages, if I don’t think such-and-such is fun or any number of other things I might do “wrong.” I notice that notions of “right” and “wrong” are often at the heart of my fears, as if life were all about doing things “right” or “wrong.” Who decides which is which in the first place? And since when is our world so black-and-white that there’s a dichotomy of judgment around any given behavior or activity?

In any case, I’ve decided to attend at least this one event precisely because it’s uncomfortable and scary for me. The cost is minimal. The people who will be there include many I know and like. And I might even forget myself and have some fun. Besides, I want to exercise my “pretending to be brave” behavior so I can have an opportunity to discover that my fears were (of course) completely unfounded. As I have often discovered before, my fears about doing xyz are usually far worse than actually doing xyz.

So, that’s it for today. No major breakthroughs today. Although I did release a small item I had started to hang onto. I realized holding onto silly little things (like this envelope with Russian words printed on it – I have a thing about the Russian language) is the very reason I have accumulated such an alarming amount of stuff, including lots and lots and lots of papers, in the first place. I also let go of preconceived notions about what kind of cereals I might buy and had a wonderful experience of buying some new, cool, gluten-free cereals at this wonderful whole foods store nearby. I think my body’s going to appreciate that!

Okay, enough for now. Dinner’s a-cooking and I want to be ready to relax and enjoy it when it’s done!

Todays action step(s):

  • Deciding to go to ignore my fears and apprehensions and go to a gathering with some of my friends.
  • Signing up for more workshops to help me in my job search.

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