Day 11 – Thursday: Sneak attacked

Sometimes fear does a sneak attack when I’m not looking.

Yesterday I made a small payment on one of my credit cards. I closed all three accounts the first month I couldn’t make my minimum payments. I plan to catch up when I can, but the going is slow right now.

This card company called yesterday evening and I told them I’d made a payment. I’ve talked to them before. They know my situation and my intent to catch up and to pay what I can when I can.

This evening, they tried calling again! Less than 24 hours after we spoke? I was driving and couldn’t take the call. I started getting ticked off! My other CC company calls me regularly – every 5 days. That’s not great, but they keep trying to work with me and are, at least for now, willing to hang in there with me while I try to find more work. But they wait to call again until it’s been 5 days.

It has been mildly anxiety-producing to talk to the “nice” cc company every five days, but it’s manageable because they have actually been nice. Apparently they understand that you can’t get what someone doesn’t have to give you. And I appreciate them for it.

What I noticed this evening, though, is that just knowing the other card company had tried to call left me feeling anxious, frustrated, angry and fearful. It triggers for me the experience of bankruptcy some 26 or 27 years ago. Back then, I was terrified of the creditors and avoided them completely. The accounts were quickly handed over to collection agencies and things got worse. It was not fun…at all…for a very long time.

This time, I’ve tried to keep the communication open. It’s a little scary at times, but I know that avoiding problems doesn’t make them go away and sometimes it even makes them worse. So, I’m trying.

I’m not quite sure how to respond to the “other” company – whether to return their call (they never leave messages, but I recognize the number), to send them a letter (certified mail) or both. I have a website to check out to learn more about my rights. I’ll check it out and then make my decision.

The thing is, I want to do things differently than I did 27 years ago. I want to meet my responsibilities and I want to catch up on my bills. I may not be able to do it right this moment, but I’m not willing to blow all this off. It’s scary trying to do this, but it’s still what I want to do. For now. For as long as I can. I’ve been down the other road and it’s a road I don’t need to take again.

Just for tonight, I’ll do my best to let this go, to leave it in God’s hands. I may have to remind myself a few times (or a hundred) to leave this in God’s hands. It’s possible, just a teensy bit possible that I might worry, you know, a teeny, weeny bit.

Maybe it’s time to find that nifty flyer put out by a classmate’s church that has different “numbers” to call when you’re dealing with different things. Like “call” Psalm ## when you’re worried, and so on. I think I could use a bit of encouragement this evening.


Today’s action step(s):

  • Meeting with my sponsor.
  • Throwing away (with growing ease) papers at work once I’ve entered the information. (This is instead of hanging onto them “in case.” I have an annoying stack of those kind of papers already.)
  • Waiting to respond to the “other” cc company until I have more information.

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