Day 15 – Monday, Dec. 19: Falling behind or catching up?

I’m not honestly sure whether I had unrealistic expectations when I set my goals for this blog or simply underestimated the challenge of limited computer access. I have come to realize that trying to take “action” toward my goals every single day does not allow much room for grace. Nor does it allow me room to grow or to integrate what I am learning – especially if I put narrow parameters on what form the steps of the journey take. However, I still prefer to think in terms of my intention to daily attend to this project and it remains an ongoing conversation in my thoughts.

 I don’t have access to an online computer right now, as I am writing this, and actually the power just went out, so I have to shut my computer down for now…

 Power’s back on for now. We’ll see if I can complete this entry…

I’m learning a lot about letting go these days. Most of my weekend, which began Friday evening after a full day’s work, was spent at InterPlayce in the Life Practice Program – our final weekend for this group. The weekend was full of opportunities to dive into the things that are “up” for me, which includes my fears. I came home too tired to even think about tackling anything “productive.” After the first week or so of working on this blog until past my usual heading for bed time, I have been reluctant to push the envelope. Even now, I should be getting ready for bed – I really need the sleep. But I’ve missed too many days already.

It would be nice to be able to say I tackled a particular something-or-other this weekend, but the truth is, I came home and either headed straight for bed or unwound a little and then headed for bed every evening for the past three nights. The mail I picked up on Friday still awaits my attention (except the two Christmas cards from cousins). The piles and clutter still linger. My resume is not yet revised after some new and helpful suggestions. Yet I know all of these things will be taken care of in time.

It has also just occurred to me that I actually did do something this weekend that I have usually been too afraid to do in times past.

A colleague said something to me that felt rude. I was taken aback and already a bit out of sorts with so much on my mind. I chewed on it for a while and resisted the urge to say something snippy. When I finally found the courage to say something (which actually happened less than an hour later), we both managed to muddle through the conversation fairly well. I told her how it had felt to me; she felt sad that I had experienced her request that way. I acknowledged that I knew it was my problem and we actually discussed how both of us might have responded differently.

It may seem odd (or not), but I believe this is one of the first times I have ever directly addressed something like this and dealt with it head on. Certainly, it is the first time I have dealt with something like this so quickly. In times past, I would have continued to stew, complained to someone else, or generally avoided facing it at all. But I work with this person and want our relationship to be free of hidden resentments. When I acknowledged that it felt scary just bringing it up with her, she understood. Near the end of the conversation, when I (jokingly) asked her if she’d write a note to my sponsor, she gave an enthusiastic, “Yes!” 😉 and we high-fived for the both of us.

I realize this is actually the sort of random occurrence I hope will happen more often as I continue to hold the intention of walking this journey.

This weekend’s action step(s):

  • Dealing with an uncomfortable and awkward situation almost immediately after it happened.
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