Day 2 – Tuesday: Unexpected bump…

I am appreciating the responsibility of attending to this blog and to doing something that “counts” toward my goal. Yesterday, clearing out some things, then writing my post energized me. In fact, I was too energized to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. Today, I was yawning all day. I’m thinking that clearing stuff out and writing these posts should happen a bit earlier in the evenings.

Today, I feel as though I did far less, yet I notice that fear is starting to creep in… I noticed some mail I had recently picked up and went through that. It was easy to throw most of it away. The student loan notice was disconcerting, reminding me that I will soon need to do some paperwork around that. I actually can’t do it before a certain date, so it looms there rather ominously, an intimidating deadline.

I have a couple of meetings tomorrow, one for which I want to dress a bit nicer than I normally need to do. I spent some time trying on different clothes, realizing how little I have that’s suitable for interviews and similar situations. It was deflating. I also decided to switch to my new, more-professional-looking purse. You’d think that would be simple. But I started feeling nervous doing that simple, but not-so-easy task.

Moving out of my comfortable, casual, back-pack-style purse, in which I’ve been able to carry all sorts of things, was surprisingly disconcerting. You see, my comfy purse provides a kind of security blanket for me. I can carry a bottle of water, snacks, my planner, a small book to read, and all sorts of “in case I need them” things. Which is also why the silly thing ends up being so heavy – and decidedly unprofessional looking. So this one small task of moving into a more professional, conspicuously smaller purse started triggering the fears that accompany looking for work and doing interviews and all the steps in between.

Sometime between the trying on the clothes and putting together my new purse, I got a call from one of my credit card companies – the company that seems less willing to be patient with me as I make tiny payments on my overdue balances. It’s as if there was a convergence – a conspiracy even – of several nervous-making things come to shatter what serenity I might have had.

In fact, this is exactly the reason I started this blog, for it is these kinds of little things of combinations of things that derail me from forging ahead with so many bigger things.

Tomorrow, the meeting that actually has me nervous is a networking event sponsored by a vocational services organization. I am partly looking forward to it and partly (make that mostly) wanting to chicken out. But I’m not willing to avoid doing this. I am reminding myself that it doesn’t really matter what I look like (although I kind of think it does – just not as much as it feels like it does) and that my career and future do not depend on this one semi-social, semi-business event. The thing is, I have little experience “networking” and even less confidence in my ability to do it gracefully. Sometimes I can picture myself acting confidently, but inside I’m quaking a bit. And it isn’t even time to go there yet!

Alas! I know I want to keep moving ahead, even if it gets bumpy. Perhaps especially if it gets bumpy. So now, with wardrobe planned and purses exchanged, I will spend some time doing some journaling, reading and talking to God to wind down for bed and dispel this growing apprehension about tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

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