The door to grace? Day 337 – 29 days left (Mon – Nov 5)

Last night I experienced a moment of unexpected grace.

I am the “speaker seeker” for the Saturday Al Anon meeting I regularly attend and next weekend is our speaker weekend. There was, as yet, no one scheduled to speak. I had talked to a few people about a month ago to see if any were willing to be the speaker for this month or for December, but hadn’t gotten any firm commitments.

I had started leaving myself reminders to make some calls, but just couldn’t seem to get there. Interestingly, I wasn’t particularly anxious about it. I was almost more curious than anything else, wondering what was up.

During the meeting I attended last night, I felt serene – or perhaps just sleepy (or both). I wondered if there was someone there I might ask to be our speaker. I had already let go and accepted the possibility that I might not find anyone. I wasn’t particularly concerned, though it would be nice to have a speaker.

During announcements, I didn’t mention the upcoming speaker meeting (which I would normally have done). Then, after the meeting, the woman who had given me a tentative ‘yes’ for December came to tell me that December wasn’t going to work for her. She then asked me if I had found anyone for this month (which she had thought wouldn’t work for her when we spoke a few weeks ago). When I said ‘no,’ she told me she would be glad to be our speaker!

I was struck by the fact that I had followed the leading I had been given – which had actually been to do nothing. I kept thinking I should make calls, but I would forget or simply be too tired. Yet, through it all, I didn’t feel particularly anxious. I just kept wondering how things would work out and kept listening for those nudges to lead me in a particular direction.

So many times it’s tempting to get busy and “make” something happen when, in fact, what I need to do is to “be still.” I know now that the reason I never felt an urge to make a call was because God already knew that I wouldn’t need to find someone to speak. She was already on her way to me, even though neither of us knew it till last night.

As I drove home from work today, I was thinking about this experience. It occurred to me that this was no different than a lot of other things I’d like to have happen in my life – like finding a new place to live or a more sustaining work situation. Those kinds of changes usually require patience and more waiting than I’d like. Rushing about in a frantic search usually leaves me exhausted and no further ahead than before I started.

The next time I’m tempted to push myself to try to “make” something happen, I hope I can remember this tangible experience of waiting and leaving space for God’s grace. Perhaps it’s the waiting that allows the door to open…

The Countdown: 30 days till the journey is “done” – Day 336 (Sunday – Nov 4)

I began this journey December 4th, almost a year ago, expecting to regularly and frequently be going through the paper piles and doing lots of other things that took more courage than I felt I had. With only 30 days remaining in this year of breaking through my fears, it could be deflating to look around my room and notice the many places those paper piles have not only not shrunk, but even grown. Then again, if I take a look inside, I am in awe of the ways I have changed and been changed.

My hope for these 30 days until December 4th is that I might use this time to consider what has happened – hopefully with frequent, perhaps shorter posts (it could happen!), and I’ll try not to worry about adding pictures when I don’t have the time.

I spent the past three days with a group of amazing and wonderful people, mostly transgendered or genderqueer in some way. Most of them active and involved, even being the leaders in their various faith communities. Being around them never fails to inspire me to continue the inner work I am doing. I’d like to share some of what I wrote in my journal this morning, beginning with a verse from Psalm 90: “Lord, You have been our dwelling place in all generations.” (NKJV)

In the past day or so, I’ve been thinking about new beginnings and how this day that begins the 30-day countdown of my ‘blog journey’ feels like a new beginning to me. Interesting, how it doesn’t feel like a journey to a new beginning, for the new journey has already begun.

This verse reminds me that God has been with me throughout this year of challenges and changes. The conference felt like a time of introspection and renewal. My trans friends and colleagues rekindle my desire to do ministry even as a I also appreciate that the “be still” process needs to continue. The author of a devotion I read talks about lying in a tree house as a kid, looking up at the sky, and not needing words to talk to God. She speaks of her experience as one of being in a “sacred space.”

I thought of the “sacred spaces” created through the differing faith expressions shared at the conference. There were people from Pagan, Jewish and Christian traditions, among others. Diverse experiences of the Divine were made available to all.

I don’t know that I have ever had the experience of being truly unwelcome in a particular faith group or 12-Step meeting, although my ACA/Al-Anon mentality can sometimes leave me thinking I might be unwelcome. Most, if not all of my trans friends have been rejected from these places that usually claim to “welcome” all who feel drawn to be there. Being around them enables me to show my support for their journey and deepens my own as I consider the courage they have needed just to be who they are.

This day does feel like a “new beginning” for me. The ten(!) hours of sleep I got helped, I’m sure. Yet it’s more than that. It’s even more than being thirty days away from the end of this 366-day journey.

It’s about having learned that I can “be still” and let my insides transform so that my “outsides” can begin manifesting those changes. It’s about learning that letting go in countless small ways is teaching me how to let go in bigger ways and how to let go with even greater ease.

It’s about discovering that even trusting God happens incrementally; that it’s not a simple decision I make, after which I can heave a sigh of relief, check it off my to-do list, and call it “done.”

It’s about learning to dream again and discovering that it’s the dreaming itself that’s important. I don’t have to know if or how any of these dreams may manifest, let alone when; it’s simply important that I do the dreaming and, through giving myself that permission, experience the growing belief that I am loved by God and I am just as worthy of experiencing these dreams as anyone else – as are you.

It’s about learning to trust, one day at a time, in God’s provision for me, in God’s love for me. And as I trust, I find I do have the courage to take those next steps of my journey through life.

Note: Your comments, experiences and reflections are welcome and appreciated. This is a place where “cross talk” can be a good thing! 😉

And for anyone who might notice: Admittedly, the math of my day numbers in previous posts doesn’t quite add up from the day I began this blog journey, but I needed to keep it simple. I adjusted the day count around the first of the year, adding 20 rather than 27 to whatever day of the year my calendar said, in order to make it easier to track. Yet this is, in fact, day 336, not day 345. 🙂

Just for today I can trust – Day 313 (Fri – Oct 19)

There are  only 53 days left in this year-long journey, but who’s counting? In fact, something tells me I’ve only just begun…

I don’t always realize how tense my body is until something jogs me into awareness. In a lovely devotion I read this morning, the author talks of “letting go into a simple state of trusting God…just for today,” she writes, “I will allow myself to be truly ‘at sea,’ mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually” (Daily Guideposts 2012, p. 322, Marilyn Morgan King). At sea – relaxed and drifting along on the ocean’s current on gentle waves of trust.

“Just for today,” a favorite 12-Step slogan that sometimes eludes me. This morning when I read those words in the same “breath” as the words “trusting God,” I suddenly noticed the tightness in my muscles, in my entire being really. It was as if I were poised, tensed, ready to leap into action – as though I could immediately begin to change my circumstances, even though it was barely past six a.m.

My fridge & pantry…Why ever would I want to move?!

I was feeling the need to take action – in particular, to find a graceful way to move into a better living situation…ASAP! Of course, “ASAP” is the place where grace seldom lives. As soon as I realized that the sense of urgency creating tension in my body does not come from God and certainly does not reflect trust in God, I felt myself begin to unwind.

It was surprisingly like a light bulb turning on when I realized that I didn’t have to trust God every second of every day; I could trust God with just this day and let that be enough. It dawned on me that I don’t have to do it all now. (I know I’ve mentioned this before, and I’ve discovered that some things take more repetitions to sink in and register than other things.) I don’t have to do it all now. Could somebody please turn that into a sign for me and put it where I’ll see it every day?

I remembered that I can simply make progress and move forward, let go and trust, and even wait patiently one day, sometimes one hour or one moment at a time.

Just for today, I don’t need to rush or to worry; I can let go and trust that God’s divine love for me is doing its perfect work in my life. I don’t have to see it; I can be still and know.

Day 240 (Tue, Aug 7): Growth Opportunities (and Miracles) Abound! (Pt 2)

The past month unfolded into new commitments, new challenges, and new beginnings. On July 1, I began thanking God daily, or rather nightly, for the things I envisioned for myself around finding a new home. I had gone to the store to pick up some 4×6 index cards and found myself wandering down the stationery aisle. The thank-you cards caught my attention and I purchased a box of sixteen cards that had delightful images that made me think of God. I decided I would write God a thank-you note for my anticipated new home every night for two weeks, or perhaps sixteen days, since that was how many cards were in the pack.

Sitting comfortably, safely in bed, I started my first thank-you note. Tears bubbled to the surface and poured down my cheeks. Tears of fear, tears of releasing fear, and tears of beginning to believe that maybe, just maybe God wants to love me more than I thought possible. I phrased that first thank-you and most of the ones that followed as though what I hoped for had already manifested in my life. As I wrote, I began to dream and, more importantly, to believe those dreams were possible. I began to believe that God loved me and wanted to bless me in this. I also came to understand that my dreams might unfold gradually in my life; incrementally, as I become ready to receive them.

I realized that not seeing all the things I hope for with my first move had nothing to do with whether or not I might realize those dreams in time. They may not be “big” dreams by some standards, but they feel big to me. I’ve spent years in what my sponsor calls “deprivation thinking” and it’s taking practice to break through that low ceiling of what I think I deserve to discover that God did not put that ceiling there – I did.

What a gift it has become to nightly release my fears and trust my dreams to my Higher Power, who loves me and wants me to not just survive, but to thrive in this world.

After a few days, I saw what a gracious and wonderful way this was to end my days. Instead of going to bed accompanied by worries or fear, I was going to bed on a note of gratitude and trust. July 14th came and went, and I haven’t stopped writing those thank-you notes!

On the afternoon of the 15th, less than 24 hours after I had fulfilled my commitment to thank God every night for two weeks, I received a call from a friend. She had a friend who was looking for the right person to rent a room (in what is a very nice neighborhood).

A couple of days later, I found myself sitting outside a coffee shop, talking with a lovely older woman who seemed surprisingly unconcerned with the fact that I had no idea what my income would be in August. We planned a time for me to see her house and the room she had to rent…

Hope…ready to blossom

I would love to hear about your experiences of thanking your Higher Power or finding other ways to open your mind to receive the blessings you know your Higher Power wants for you.

Day 234 (Aug 1): Growth Opportunities (and Miracles) Abound! (Pt 1)

One of the things my pastor used to say to me whenever things seemed to be going any direction but the one I wanted was, “Growth opportunities abound!” We would usually both laugh and I’d be a little more patient with whatever was going on.

I mean, does the pile ever grow smaller??

Right now one of my “growth opportunities” is having the patience to stay with this blog and its purpose even when I’m not posting as frequently as I would like. When I began this blog, I envisioned writing every day or at least many times a week. I thought by now, being as this is the 234th day of my (official) blog journey, I’d have about two hundred posts. I was hoping to share with you every step of this journey. As it happens, I have barely over one hundred posts. (Aren’t you lucky! ;-)) Then again, even though I’m not posting often, I am deep in the experience of finding the courage to change – one day, one week, one month at a time.

It seems as if there is always so much going on that it’s hard to find time to fit everything I want to do in, including talking to you. I’m beginning to wonder if there ever is a time when there isn’t “so much going on right now.” Could that actually be the norm? Is there no time when things are going well and steady, without seeming like there’s so much or “too much” going on, even as the growth continues? I’m beginning to wonder. I’d be curious to hear about your experience with this.

Waiting…

I’ve known for about two months now that I needed to find a new place to live. My aunt and uncle, quite understandably, would like their guest room freed up for family who will be visiting in the coming weeks. I’ve mentioned it to various friends and colleagues the past several weeks, to invite prayer, suggestions or other possibilities. I off-and-on considered checking Craigslist to see if there might be anything at all in my price range (which is pretty far below the typical market rates in this area). I had no idea whether or not I’d be back to only 14 hours of work per week come August. Such financial insecurity hardly invested me with confidence.

Likely inhibited by my limited internet access (as in, the computers at work or the library), I kept forgetting to even look online. Yet it felt like I was doing what I needed to be doing. When I get done with work, the last thing I want to do is sit at the computer and engage in what might well be a fruitless and/or deflating search for the seemingly impossible – a place I can afford in a place I would want to be. Whenever I started to feel like I should get my rear in gear and hit the internet, my whole body-spirit would scream, “NO! That is NOT what you’re supposed to be doing right now!” The resistance was palpable and the notion of “should” invariably came from a place of fear.

I may have mentioned that I have a necklace I’ve been wearing virtually every day for months. It is a simple metal disk with the words “Be still” on it. It is my constant reminder to stop trying to make things happen and to instead let go and let God lead me on this journey. So I continued to let go the beat-the-bushes urges, continued to mention my need for a place whenever the subject arose (or I felt the urge to bring it up), and continued to “be still” and trust that God was doing something that I could not do for myself.

I’m ready

And the “miracles” have started to unfold…

Day 149 (Wed/May 8): An unexpected journey, unexpected blessings

I find myself floundering, wondering how to regain the semblance of balance I had only a couple of weeks ago… At least it felt like balance compared to the last few weeks.

Last week was a quiet week, especially in comparison to the preceding weeks, which were all about frantically getting ready for a summit (that, I’m told, turned out to be a great success). I would get home, fix dinner, plan my next day’s lunch, then “recover” for an hour or so before heading for bed. I worked six, sometimes seven days a week. It seemed like there was no time for anything but work. Last week felt like the calm after a storm – at least until I committed to a whirlwind trip out of town for the weekend.

A dear friend of mine was being ordained and installed at his new parish. Not only that, he was being installed at a church where one of my best friends attends. It made for a joyful opportunity to be there for him and to visit with a friend I haven’t seen in a few years. The challenge was the distance – about 8 hours each way, but my long-time friend was thrilled at the prospect of my coming there and more than happy to offer a place to stay. Other things opened the way to my being able to make the trip, both time-wise and expense-wise, from having the money and opportunity for some car repairs to the willingness of both my employers for me to take the day off on Friday. I was grateful.

Yet amidst my eagerness to be there were the stirrings of other intense feelings. I began my own journey through seminary with the expectation that I would become a pastor. That changed my last year there – for good reasons and in ways that I celebrate as well. But the change in my expectations still required adjustment and the emotional pot of those changes gets stirred up when I witness my classmates being ordained.

Thus the weekend became a jumble of emotions: joy and celebration, as well as grief and an inescapable feeling of inadequacy and uncertainty each time well-meaning colleagues asked me what I’m doing these days. “Looking for work” (when I’m not actively doing so) or “doing temp work” (even though it is blessing me) are not the answers I cared to give. So I floundered with what to say and each person heard something a little different, depending on how well I knew them. To strangers who asked where I was “serving,” I usually replied simply, “I’m not a pastor.” Each repetition reminded me that I’m also not doing the work I long to do. Each answer left me wondering how and when I will begin to do the work that calls me, the work that inspires and excites me…

Saturday evening, I headed to my room early, exhausted from the day’s events. I wrote in my journal. I let the pain and grief rise to the surface and wept quietly, when what I wanted to do was to sob loudly. I wondered how I would make it through Sunday morning and hoped my face would not reflect the grief that I knew would still be there.

I always feel better after a night’s sleep, no matter how rough the evening before. I process things physically and something about simply resting and “forgetting” about whatever has been on my mind, as only happens in sleep, allows me to wake up refreshed. It doesn’t mean the grief was gone, but the intensity of the emotions, the pain especially, was significantly less. (I hoped no one would notice the telltale bags and dark circles under my eyes.)

I’m so glad I was able to muster a bit of cheerfulness at hearing my friend preach his first sermon as an ordained pastor. What a joy it was to be able to be there. After his sermon, I turned to my other friend and simply said, “Wow!” She obviously had the same response.

Despite my mixed feelings from the day before, something happened in the hours that followed that morning. I left for home feeling inspired and changed in ways I’m still sorting out. But I’ll have to save an exploration of that for a later post. It is time for me to head for bed and get some rest. As I was getting ready this morning and beginning to feel rushed, I asked myself if I was truly attending to what my body and spirit needed at the beginning of the day. From that moment on, I began to move at a pace that was peaceful, as well as productive. Tonight, I’m going to do the same.

Thanks for still being here. 🙂

(For whatever reason, the computer I’m using is not happy with my attempts to add photos. Maybe I’ll try again in the morning…)

Day 120 (Mon/Apr 9): Kipping

Some things take time to bear fruit

Have you ever done gymnastics – particularly on the uneven parallel bars? Well, it’s been a hundred years since I’ve done that and I was never particularly great at it. But I loved it anyway and had a great time trying to do as much as I could…and as much as I was brave enough to try.I remember learning to kip on the unevens. It’s that move you see the Olympic and other televised gymnasts do with such grace. They make it look so easy, as if anyone can do it by just leaping toward the lower bar, hands outstretched to grab it, swinging under it, then doing a sort of abrupt snap back with the arms and hips (the “kip”) and, voila!, you’re on the bar with your hips at hand level, ready for your next move. There’s only one teensy little catch: your untrained body has not a clue as to how to actually make this move!

I remember trying and trying and trying, seemingly countless times, but my hips and legs and everything else couldn’t seem to get the knack of that sudden movement that seemed so effortless when I saw others do it. Since it involves arms and hips and legs and hands all working in one coordinated movement, it seemed like different parts of my body would get their particular part, but trying to get everything working together felt impossible. Then I almost got it. And once I almost got it, I got more of it – until suddenly my body understood what it was supposed to do and I could do it!

Patience has its rewards

The thing is, there were too many little parts to this move to be able to mentally teach myself how to do it. My body had to experience it to get it. Once my body had experienced it, then it got a little easier and easier. (Perhaps more accurately in my case, it got less and less awkward. ;-))

I suppose I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I learned to kip because there are certain things in life that I just don’t seem to “get” how to do yet. They involve lots of steps or pieces or bits of knowledge that need to come together to do them with ease. Thankfully, not too many of them are the kind of thing that don’t work until all the mechanics are in place. What a relief! I don’t have a set of unevens to practice on.

Around financial matters, this morning I had an unexpected piece fall into place. With my usual monthly paycheck having landed at the end of the month, along with a decent-sized check from the temp agency, I had a little breathing room. It didn’t feel like I was spending much, yet when I checked my bank balance this weekend, I was startled at how little I had left. What the heck happened, I asked myself.

This morning I discovered that nothing “happened.”

As I wrote in my journal, reflecting on this seeming insanity, I found myself using the word “able.” I’ve been able to catch up on some of my grocery shopping. I’ve been able to buy a few clothing items. I’ve been able to restock some of my nutritional supplements. And so on. All of a sudden I realized that what I had been experiencing with regard to purchasing some of these (needed) items was what would be normal if I had a regular, full-time income. None of the purchases I was making in the past couple of weeks were unusual, indulgent (if you don’t count a few extra snack foods) or extravagant. They were simply the things I have routinely been buying, plus a few of the things I have not been able to buy in recent months.

Wow! What a difference it made to be able to recognize this. I still put on the brakes and want to move slowly with regard to how I continue to spend, but I gotta tell you – it sure feels good to know I was simply taking care of myself in what shouldbe a normal, healthy fashion.

So I continue to remind myself...

Big and Small Steps:

  • Returned the phone message from the person who called in an “attempt to collect a debt.” (Admittedly, I was relieved that I got her voicemail. ;-))
  • Checked on my student loan status and was relieved to discover all but one (which I knew about) are still in deferral for a few months. Whew!
  • Gently informed someone when she (unintentionally) left me feeling dismissed through a poor choice of words.

Noticings:

  • How quickly the sensation of hunger produces mild, but nonetheless obvious feelings of anxiety.
  • How palpable the shift was while journaling this morning, when the fourth “able” helped me see things from an entirely different perspective.
  • How much I long to have more time and internet access to explore other possibilities, like resources for other people’s photos to use. (I’d love to have a pic of a gymnast doing a kip to go with this blog, for example.)

Day 116 (Thu/Apr 5): There’s dreaming, and then there are dreams

A week ago, I awoke with an interesting dream, followed by two more interesting dreams the following two nights – or mornings actually. (Have you ever noticed how natural it is to talk about dreaming during the “night,” when the reality is that it is often happening in the hour or two just before waking up in the morning? But talking about something happening “this morning” sounds like something happening while you’re awake. English is such a peculiar language…) Anyhow, the short versions…

Last Thursday, I awoke with a dream about a little girl who was just a baby, being held by a woman who was a kind of nanny or nurse or something. We were singing the familiar song about having ten fingers and ten toes. It’s a counting song for little kids. [At least it was in my dream.] Then I noticed that the little girl actually had eleven toes on one foot and twelve on the other. I started saying things like, “How cool is that!” and “How special you are!” in an effort to make sure she knew it was okay to be “different.” Moments later, another woman, the matron, came in with a doctor, both obviously concerned and distressed about this “condition.” I was afraid they would undo my efforts to affirm this little girl. When I awoke, I remember how important it had been for me to make this little girl feel accepted and lovable just the way she was – the way I would have liked to have felt more often in my life, especially as a child.

Last Friday, I awoke with a dream about my son and I traveling somewhere in a kind of wilderness, like in the mountains or something, up near Alaska. [Where I’ve never been.] I was trying to determine if we had what we would need, in terms of clothes and gear and such. I was trying to decide what to take and what would be safe to leave in the car. When I awoke, it wasn’t hard to make the connection between my assignment that began this week and how little I knew about what I would be doing or what would be expected of me. What I “needed” (to wear) was even unclear to me at that point and I was worried that my wardrobe would be inadequate. (It isn’t the least bit inadequate.)

Saturday, I awoke with a dream where I was on a freeway in the area here. I couldn’t really see other cars, but there were somehow there or nearby. I was in the far right lane at a diverging point, when I needed to be way over in the next-to-the-left lane. I felt like I had been and was being swept up in the flow of this invisible traffic. I remember being partly awake and actually feeling in my physical body the force/influence of others trying to move me along. It was like being caught in a current, with no time to think or to pause to choose/discern if I was heading the right way. When I awoke, my thoughts went in two directions. One was noticing how quickly I was spending the money I had and wanting to slow down, to pause and plan. The other was noticing how quickly other people were ready to see me as a permanent employee of the company where I was assigned this temp work.

Wednesday morning, I awoke with a dream of getting ready to go on a (very strange) honeymoon and not feeling at all certain it was what I wanted. That day was my first day of working first at one job, then finishing my day at the other. I wasn’t at all certain this was what I wanted and that uncertainty was noticeable in my dream.

I don’t always have such clear and significant dreams, so it has made for an interesting week. I am thankful for my conversations with God, through prayers and journaling. It has helped me to remember that I don’t have to make any decisions about any of this at this point. I haven’t been offered a job and am not yet sure if I want to apply if there are openings. Just for today, I am appreciating the income I’m earning, the new people I’m meeting, and the expanding of my work experience into slightly different things than I’ve done before.

Dreams are for dreaming

Big and Small Steps:

  • Let go the temptation to see if the credit card company has made any changes to my account online – as in, can I still make payments…
  • Continued to think a lot on forgiveness and release and letting go. I keep thinking about these as a theme I want to follow in my posts for a time. (Another recent dream brought up a situation with someone where forgiveness is needed.)

Noticings:

  • How supportive and affirming the people are at my temp assignment.
  • How good it feels to have one’s work noticed and to be appreciated.
  • How grateful I am to have dreams that teach me what I need to know or lead me to what I need to be considering for now.

Day 110 (Fri/Mar 30): Two days – Change happens in a moment, a journey within the journey

It's a bit scary, but oh, the possibilities!

What a powerful affirmation of the willingness to let go and trust! The five-to-six week temp position came through on my terms – to work only 32 hours a week (except a couple of weeks later in April) in order for me to be able to honor my part-time position. And at the higher of the possible pay rates!

I am still taking in what it means to be willing to stand up for myself, to honor my needs and to act with integrity, all in the face of possible rejection if the other party, in this case a potential employer, decides I’m not worth it. The thing is, I am realizing that I am worth it. And it has only taken me…um…well…a long time to get there. (Let’s not count the decades.) 😉

Today I am feeling grateful for my time with my sponsor yesterday. She affirmed and applauded my desire to act with integrity and stand up for my needs. And she helped me to see a bigger picture of my value when we talked about how much money I would need to earn to be able to live the kind of life I’d like to live. What I envision isn’t a life of luxury, but rather a life in which I can take care of myself physically, emotionally and spiritually, including having the time and money for fun, for health care and for being able to simply enjoy life – things I have neglected in recent years.

Sometimes even that which nourishes us can overwhelm us at first

For the past…well actually probably for too much of my life, I have allowed myself precious little time for fun. At the present time, InterPlaying has become one of the few resources for fun for me, either when I’m playing with others or because I’m allowing myself to see the playful side of life because of what I’ve learned through InterPlay. Thinking in terms of a spending plan that specifically includes money set aside for “fun” is new to me. In fact, thinking in terms of a spending plan that includes everything, from food/rent/living expenses to clothes to fun to other things that are fulfilling, if not “necessary,” is a new experience for me.

When my sponsor asked me if I had ever figured out how much I need to live the kind of life I want to live, I told her the mere idea of trying to figure that out overwhelms me – whereupon she promptly pulled out a pen, I pulled out a business card (to use the blank side), and she and I quickly developed a spending plan for me. It was so simple with her asking questions and helping me find answers I didn’t know. Left to my own resources, I tend to get tangled in the notion of being accurate and literal. But I’m learning.

One step at a time...

I suspect this post is rambling because, quite frankly, I could crawl into bed right now and sleep for ten hours. This sudden change in my financial state for the next few weeks is almost, but not quite overwhelming. It’s a lot to take in and I find myself surprised at how serene I am under the excitement. I know this temp position is a “windfall,” lasting however many weeks it lasts. So I want to exercise wisdom and discernment around how I use – and conserve – the resources that will bless me in the coming weeks.

Today I was blessed with the gift of some new clothes for work, thanks to the generosity of a friend. I also bought a few things with my most recent paycheck. Little by little, I’m acquiring a more professional-looking wardrobe. As much as I prefer comfortable and casual, I am learning to appreciate the look and feel of a more professional image.

A lot has changed for me in the past couple of days. I know God has a plan and this is another step along that path. Let me walk with wisdom!

So many possibilities on the other side of the gate

 

Big and Small Steps:

Let go worry about the cost as I looked for things that would enable me to dress more professionally for my new temp position – and was blessed with the gift of more than a hundred dollars worth of new and used clothes.

Exercised restraint (admittedly aided by fatigue and growing hunger) in shopping for a few more things that I paid for myself.

Noticings:

The push-pull of emotions around spending money on new clothes when the way I’ve seen myself has not quite caught up to the image I now want to present.

The surprising ease around accepting my friend’s generous gift of clothing. It felt like a little more of God’s plan.

How exhausting such big and sudden changes can be, even before I start living them.

Day 109 (Thu/Mar 29): Three days – Reflections, clarity, trust, a journey within the journey

Sometimes it's time to sit, watch and listen

I’m so grateful for the space to “sleep on it,” with regard to how I feel and what I might be willing to accept or not accept with regard to the possible temp position that came up. It is now clear to me that I am not willing to betray the trust my employers have placed in me and run after a paycheck. As much as I may need the financial support, I have to think about where my trust lies. Certainly, it does not lie in my bank account.

This realization started unfolding last night and became clear this morning as I read a few verses in my Bible and wrote two surprisingly short reflections in my journal. Such phrases as “blot out my transgressions” and “you desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom” from Psalm 51 jumped out at me. My present challenges with financial debt and my desire to discern God’s will for me in what I am and am not willing to do to expand my income came to mind.

I let things flow this morning, writing a short reflection, then a prayer in response to the verses that caught my attention. Then I opened up last year’s journal. The verse was one of my favorites: “Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily…” (Is. 58:8 NKJV) I have been in need of so much physical and emotional healing in recent years that these words never fail to lift my spirits and remind me that my road to healing is also a road of recovery.

This morning, I pulled out my NKJV Bible and read the rest of the verse. O-M-G! “And your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.” Heard by me as, “God will prepare the way for you and keep you safe; God will provide for you.”

Okay, so maybe you don’t happen to be into the Bible/God thing, but God is my Higher Power and somewhere along the line, my life became all about my relationship with God. Not in the sense of not being about relationships with other people, but definitely in the sense of wanting to develop and deepen the trust and the relationship I have with Hir. (Btw, for me, God is beyond gender and it’s our language that limits how we talk about Hir.)

So this morning, I find myself with a lot of serenity, several things on my calendar, and a number of “crackpot” theories. On my calendar for today: running some errands and meeting with my sponsor. On my calendar for Friday: morning appointment with my cousins to see if we might work well together (i.e., do I know Quickbooks well enough that I might work for them part-time), followed by getting together with a dear friend who lives an hour or so away. On my calendar for Saturday: a day-long InterPlay retreat, followed by my Al Anon meeting, followed by dinner with family. On my calendar for Sunday: church followed, I hope, by some actual R&R for the afternoon. (It could happen. Really it could!) On my calendar for next week: God only knows and hasn’t yet sent me the memo!

I am holding all of these plans loosely, knowing a few might change. But some will not. Some things require my commitment and I do not give them up lightly. That includes my part-time job. As this has become clear to me, an interesting thing happened. [So much for the short post. Sigh…]

Release and let go

I mentioned having “crackpot” theories. Well, there’s really only one that comes to mind at the moment: release is a powerful magnet to our good. Catherine Ponder advocates this and I am fast becoming a believer. In the few, short days since I began letting go again (and again and again) when things threatened to derail me from my serenity, I have been blessed with new possibilities.

A couple of days ago I was pretty stressed about my debt situation. Then, in these past 24 hours, as I have gained clarity about how to respond with integrity to possible job opportunities, it has become equally clear to me how to respond with integrity to my financial situation. I had been distressed, I realize now, because I had been letting my credit card company force me to an unwanted choice, when the truth is, I can continue to do what I can, when I can, and they can choose how to respond to my efforts. I do not need to make any hard and fast choices in this moment. I can continue as I had intended and allow things to unfold.

Isn’t that kind of the way life goes most of the time anyway? 😉

Things *do* come together when I let go and let God do the putting together

Big and Small Steps:

  • Made payments this morning on my three credit cards. (Yay for Thursday paychecks from the temp agency!)
  • Decided not to try to “get” my creditors to do anything. I’ll just keep doing my best and it will either work or it won’t.
  • Let go my fears about the possible 5-week position and, along with it, my fears about my finances.

Noticings:

  • How good it feels to gain clarity around a particular situation.
  • How much I miss my son. (We missed each other on the phone the other night.)
  • How much I’m learning about myself in this 18-day “journey within a journey.”
  • How happy I am to be at the office this morning, having time to write this! (And how nice it is to be able to ignore the phone until I’m “at work.”)

Discovery:

  • We now have irrefutable proof that my (92 1/2-year-old) uncle is hard-headed. When he took a tumble backwards on Sunday and hit his head on the closet door, his skull “fractured” the door rather than the other way around! (What a fun story this will make at family gatherings!) 😉

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