Day 109 (Thu/Mar 29): Three days – Reflections, clarity, trust, a journey within the journey

29 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes it's time to sit, watch and listen

I’m so grateful for the space to “sleep on it,” with regard to how I feel and what I might be willing to accept or not accept with regard to the possible temp position that came up. It is now clear to me that I am not willing to betray the trust my employers have placed in me and run after a paycheck. As much as I may need the financial support, I have to think about where my trust lies. Certainly, it does not lie in my bank account.

This realization started unfolding last night and became clear this morning as I read a few verses in my Bible and wrote two surprisingly short reflections in my journal. Such phrases as “blot out my transgressions” and “you desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom” from Psalm 51 jumped out at me. My present challenges with financial debt and my desire to discern God’s will for me in what I am and am not willing to do to expand my income came to mind.

I let things flow this morning, writing a short reflection, then a prayer in response to the verses that caught my attention. Then I opened up last year’s journal. The verse was one of my favorites: “Then your light shall break forth like the morning, Your healing shall spring forth speedily…” (Is. 58:8 NKJV) I have been in need of so much physical and emotional healing in recent years that these words never fail to lift my spirits and remind me that my road to healing is also a road of recovery.

This morning, I pulled out my NKJV Bible and read the rest of the verse. O-M-G! “And your righteousness shall go before you; the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.” Heard by me as, “God will prepare the way for you and keep you safe; God will provide for you.”

Okay, so maybe you don’t happen to be into the Bible/God thing, but God is my Higher Power and somewhere along the line, my life became all about my relationship with God. Not in the sense of not being about relationships with other people, but definitely in the sense of wanting to develop and deepen the trust and the relationship I have with Hir. (Btw, for me, God is beyond gender and it’s our language that limits how we talk about Hir.)

So this morning, I find myself with a lot of serenity, several things on my calendar, and a number of “crackpot” theories. On my calendar for today: running some errands and meeting with my sponsor. On my calendar for Friday: morning appointment with my cousins to see if we might work well together (i.e., do I know Quickbooks well enough that I might work for them part-time), followed by getting together with a dear friend who lives an hour or so away. On my calendar for Saturday: a day-long InterPlay retreat, followed by my Al Anon meeting, followed by dinner with family. On my calendar for Sunday: church followed, I hope, by some actual R&R for the afternoon. (It could happen. Really it could!) On my calendar for next week: God only knows and hasn’t yet sent me the memo!

I am holding all of these plans loosely, knowing a few might change. But some will not. Some things require my commitment and I do not give them up lightly. That includes my part-time job. As this has become clear to me, an interesting thing happened. [So much for the short post. Sigh…]

Release and let go

I mentioned having “crackpot” theories. Well, there’s really only one that comes to mind at the moment: release is a powerful magnet to our good. Catherine Ponder advocates this and I am fast becoming a believer. In the few, short days since I began letting go again (and again and again) when things threatened to derail me from my serenity, I have been blessed with new possibilities.

A couple of days ago I was pretty stressed about my debt situation. Then, in these past 24 hours, as I have gained clarity about how to respond with integrity to possible job opportunities, it has become equally clear to me how to respond with integrity to my financial situation. I had been distressed, I realize now, because I had been letting my credit card company force me to an unwanted choice, when the truth is, I can continue to do what I can, when I can, and they can choose how to respond to my efforts. I do not need to make any hard and fast choices in this moment. I can continue as I had intended and allow things to unfold.

Isn’t that kind of the way life goes most of the time anyway? 😉

Things *do* come together when I let go and let God do the putting together

Big and Small Steps:

  • Made payments this morning on my three credit cards. (Yay for Thursday paychecks from the temp agency!)
  • Decided not to try to “get” my creditors to do anything. I’ll just keep doing my best and it will either work or it won’t.
  • Let go my fears about the possible 5-week position and, along with it, my fears about my finances.

Noticings:

  • How good it feels to gain clarity around a particular situation.
  • How much I miss my son. (We missed each other on the phone the other night.)
  • How much I’m learning about myself in this 18-day “journey within a journey.”
  • How happy I am to be at the office this morning, having time to write this! (And how nice it is to be able to ignore the phone until I’m “at work.”)

Discovery:

  • We now have irrefutable proof that my (92 1/2-year-old) uncle is hard-headed. When he took a tumble backwards on Sunday and hit his head on the closet door, his skull “fractured” the door rather than the other way around! (What a fun story this will make at family gatherings!) 😉

Day 108 (Wed/Mar 28): Four days – Light is dawning, a journey within the journey

28 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , ,

When it rains...things get wet!

This is getting more and more interesting… I kid you not, this is what I wrote in my reflection journal this morning:

“I feel as if I’m in that moment right before taking in and releasing a deep breath. My life feels as if it’s about waiting, when it seems like it should be about “action.” I may know why this odd “waiting for something to happen” feeling lingers. I have made some plans for my time the rest of this week. Not a lot of plans and some are quite open to change. Yet it seems as if anytime I’ve thought I’ve known what I’m doing, something has come along to change things…I find myself again waiting for the call that suddenly changes my plans.” (SJ 45, p30) (Yes, I number my pages and my journals.)

I had barely been to work an hour when I got a phone call from the temp agency.

“Are you available to work today?”

“I’m already working.”

Then, a few hours later, I get another call from the same agency. Am I interested in returning to the place I’ve been temping these past couple of weeks? It’s doing different work with (presumably) different people, for a longer term – five or so weeks, full-time, at $5-7 an hour more, to start Monday.

Crash! Bang! Boing!

 

Wait a sec?!

Okay. So here’s the deal. I work for a small non-profit organization, filling an important niche, working with people I thoroughly enjoy and appreciate. The only reason I don’t work more (paid) hours is that we don’t have the luxury of the kind of income larger for-profit organizations have. This isn’t like a part-time job at some fast-food place where anyone can jump in and learn all they need to know in a couple of hours. It’s not that I’m irreplaceable. Certainly I am. But there’s a big difference between having time to make arrangements and suddenly saying, “See in five weeks!” (Not even counting the withdrawal pains I would experience…)

Fortunately, this last position is still in the “maybe” pile, both in terms of whether the company wants me and whether I would accept the position. I debriefed it with my supervisor, mostly because I was still reeling from the “if this happened it would be a HUGE change in my work (and non-work) schedule and would dramatically impact my ability to do my work at this organization” standpoint. It helped to be able to talk about it to someone right away.

As I’ve continued to process this in the hours since, I have noticed and even learned some things about myself.

Opportunities bloom and go...

1. I need time to process changes, especially big changes. One way or the other, I at least need time to get used to the idea. I don’t shift gears that quickly. I’m not sure I ever have.

2. All of this is up in the air. I mean, ALL of it. I haven’t been offered any positions anywhere as yet and I may not be offered either of the temp positions that have just come up. My reactions are based on possible changes, not actual changes in my life.

3. It is clear to me that I want to act with integrity and make choices that honor me, my part-time job employers and the needs of any position I might accept – in that order. As I have considered this, I recognized something I hadn’t fully “gotten” before…

Slippery when wet...or when approached in fear

4. My initial reaction to this possibility (and the other recent ones, for that matter) – in other words the “Crash! Bang! Boing!” –  is based solely on a wild leap in my imagination as to what the changes might mean. In other words, I’m leaping to conclusions about the way things might change. And most of those conclusions are fear-based. (See? I knew I needed to do this blog…) For instance: fear that working 40 hours a week would be completely exhausting; fear that I might miss a “real” (i.e., “permanent”) job that would come along; fear that I might not like the work or the people in this new department; fear that I would have to give up a job I love for a temporary influx of income; worry about the other potential employers I’ve recently connected with; and so on.

5. The most important thing I realized, however, is this. Whether or not I’m offered this 5-week position, which could bring me more income than I’ve earned in the past several months combined, I don’t want financial fear to be the reason for my choice. In fact, I don’t want any kind of fear to be the reason for any of my choices around work.

I'm listening...Help me to hear

This past week, I have discovered that my confidence in myself and my sense of self-worth have grown a lot. With the positive feedback I’ve received through these recent temp experiences (as in, “We’ll ask for you next time we need help!”), I have begun seeing myself as competent, capable, and worth so much more than I did a few months, possibly even a few weeks ago.

As I discover this about myself, I realize I have choices I didn’t used to think I have. I can negotiate with potential employers to see if we might strike a balance. I could set more specific boundaries with the temp agency. I could even ask the recruiters to lobby for my needs (as in, “She’s really worth it. Can you be flexible?”).

It’s rather amazing to me to discover that I have choices and that I’m worth it. The light is dawning, helping me to see that I am worth having as an employee and the right employer, whether offering me temp work or a long-term position, will want me to act with integrity with my present employer and will respect my decision to do so.

Stretching, reaching, still staying connected to my Higher Power - God

(This is so much longer than I anticipated. There’s just so much on my mind right now…)

Noticings:

  • That I’m hungry again – which is probably why I can’t think more succinctly! Must be time for a snack before bedtime… 😉
  • That after a bazillion years of eating canned fruit, it just dawned on me a few minutes ago that eating four halves of canned pears is like eating two whole pears. Talk about a sugar bomb! (Whoops! Too late…) Doh!
  • How much fuel my body requires when my mind is racing about.

Tuesday, Jan. 10th (30/336): Breaks – a bit of body wisdom (I hope)

11 Jan 2012 2 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Money Walk Tags: , , , , ,

Yesterday, I tried something different at work. Most days, I’m scheduled to work four to five hours, so I don’t plan a lunch break. Then I end up working six or seven hours and I’m wiped out by the end of the day. It’s not that I don’t eat, because I do. I just eat at my desk and keep working, thinking I won’t be there much longer. Yesterday, I planned to work a longer day, so I made a point of taking a half-hour lunch break. I relaxed and read a (fiction) book while I ate and discovered it was quite nice, even though I was only about fifteen feet from my desk.

For some reason, I find it hard to take breaks. Some of this is logistics. I don’t have the money to go to a restaurant where I might enjoy time away from the office. The neighborhood where I work is not conducive to taking walks. That leaves staying at the office. However, my co-workers are actually quite respectful of my break time on those rare occasions when I’ve actually taken a break. Thus, it can only be self-imposed nonsense that leads me to feel like I “can’t” take a break. This is especially dopey since we are encouraged to take care of ourselves in body, mind and spirit.

However, it occurs to me that this isn’t the first place where I’ve struggled with this particular boundary. I’m not quite sure what the deal is. At my last job, which was full-time, I eventually started using the conference room when it was empty and once in a while the cafeteria, but I still ended up eating at my desk at times.

One of the things that makes me nervous about the possibility of seeking full-time work right now is the fact that I’m often wiped out after only a five- or six-hour workday. So how well would I do if I was suddenly working eight hours a day?

I tend to pour myself into my work, going at full speed, and that requires adequate sustenance, rest (i.e., at night) and taking breaks. The labor laws recognize the need for breaks and build in requirements for this. So why, then, is it uncomfortable, even disconcerting for me to decide to take a break?

A job I had some years back comes to mind. There literally was nowhere to go outside the small building to take a break, so I tended to just work straight through. My boss, who was a large, intimidating man, got used to me being available the entire time I was there. When I finally started taking breaks, he had a hard time getting used to the idea that I wasn’t available when I was on break or at lunch. I was, after all, only thirty or so feet away from my desk. I was anxious, but I stood my ground and he learned to respect it. Sort of.

My suspicion as to the real reason I feel guilty taking breaks is that I still see myself as being somehow inadequate. That perfectionist mindset hovers near my shoulder and tells me, “You’re not good enough! You should have all of it done by now!” Never mind that I’m trying to do 20-30 hours worth of work in 14 hours. Never mind that my supervisor and bosses are pleased with my work and have never said anything to indicate they expect more. Never mind that any job tends to have an endless flow of work that renews itself every month, every week or even every day.

Maybe it’s time to experiment with taking breaks at work. And maybe, just maybe, I might discover that I actually work more effectively for the time I’m there.

Action step(s):

  • Took a lunch break at work Monday!
  • Went to bed very early last night.
  • Respected the reality that I can’t get it all done and simply did what I could today.
  • Let go and deleted tons of emails from my office email (mostly from 2010). Wheee!
  • Did some cleaning for a friend and earned some extra money!
  • Gave myself permission to post this online Wednesday morning so I could get to sleep at a more reasonable hour Tuesday evening!

Thursday, Jan. 5th (25/361): Hard but good…

05 Jan 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Faith Walk, Money Walk, Recovery, Spirituality, Step Talk Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Today was hard. Early this morning, my fearful thoughts ran something like this:

  • What if I called the staffing agency?
  • They might demand time I’m not (yet) willing to give and try to make me do something unwanted or want me to put everything else on hold…
  • Augh! I don’t want to call! I’m afraid it might start a chain reaction!
  • New possibility–>I could get clear on what I’m willing to do.
  • Here’s where I get stumped…
  • I could call and be willing to set clear boundaries around my availability.
  • What about being open to either direction? [i.e., admin assist work and ministry]
  • Eek! What I really want to do is some kind of ministry; if I jump into office work, I might get stuck there.
  • How do I let go of this fear???
  • What are all those presumptions I’m making about these…

A little later, as I did my morning reflection time, the verse that spoke to me was: “Do not judge according to appearance…” (John 7:24) I thought about my present circumstances. I’m staying at my aunt & uncle’s because I don’t have the money to actually pay rent, no matter how low. My monthly paycheck from my part-time job lets me pay some of my bills and buy some food and gas. I sort of get by. If it weren’t for the occasional financial gift from friends and the like, I don’t know how I’d make it at all. All this is to say that this is a very rough patch for me at the moment.

The challenge with looking for work is that because of my financial need, I don’t feel free to pursue the work I’m passionate about because it doesn’t come in a neat package with a regular paycheck. I’m also on this intentional journey to break through my fears, and finding employment is one of the scariest things for me. Right now, things appear really bleak and, from the outside,it might look like I’m doing almost nothing to change my situation. But the truth is, I know I’m doing some of the hardest work there is.

Still, the financial piece has made it hard for me to relax and simply get on with the stuff (I don’t know how to do very well yet) that could lead to improving my financial situation. I attended an interview workshop today. It was very helpful, even though it triggered my fears as well.

Later, shortly before I met with my sponsor, I was reading the preface and intro in Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses, an Al-Anon publication. It was timely to read about grief when I’ve had these bubbles of grief trying to rise to the surface. I especially liked what it said on page 7 – that I don’t have to confront everything all at once and I can be patient and gentle with myself, trusting that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. That’s worth rereading for me.

My sponsor unwittingly helped me get the tears rolling. (Thanks be!) She named and affirmed that things are hard for me right now and that it’s okay to say that it’s hard. I don’t have to pretend that it’s not. I so needed to cry…

I appreciated coming across something I wrote a year ago that’s helpful for me now: “The process of healing is not likely to be a straight line.“ It was a relief to recognize this. When I feel afraid, I feel like I’ve lost faith, like I don’t trust God to take care of me. My sponsor reminded me that God knows how hard this is for me and my feelings of fear are a normal, human response to the very real challenges I’m facing. I’m so grateful that it’s okay to be human and that healing is happening even when I don’t yet see the results.

My action step(s):

  • Attending an interview workshop.
  • Doing some research on chaplaincy positions/requirements.
  • Testing and improving my skills on MS Word and Excel 2007.
  • Meeting with my sponsor.
  • Letting go my self-imposed need to work tomorrow (when I’ve already fulfilled my hours for the week).

Day 20 – Saturday evening, December 24: Small but definite progress

26 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Recovery Tags: , , , , , ,

Christmas Eve day was spent helping my aunt get the house in order for the family dinner, doing a bit of cleaning in my own room, enjoying the Christmas Eve service at church, and attending to one particular are of my recovery journey… And let me just say that I find this difficult to talk about here, but that is the point of this blog – to face my fears and challenges. (It is oh so tempting to not post this.)

More than a decade ago, I began giving the love-relationship area of my life over to God. After my last relationship ended, I recognized that I did not know how to do this part of my life well. I was tired of feeling like I couldn’t shut off the “guydar” that was on constant alert and wanted to discover what it was like to let God lead me into a healthy, loving relationship. Since that decision, my progress has been gradual and sometimes challenging. In fact, I have not always been able to tell if I’m actually making progress since I have not been in a relationship in a very long time.

Friday, my aunt told me about “George” (not his real name). George and her oldest boy had been best friends in their youth and George had taken to calling my aunt “mom.” George and my aunt’s oldest son had reconnected a year or so ago and have again become the best of friends. It turned out George would be joining us for dinner.

When I learned that he was single, I knew I needed to not pretend my curiosity and possible interest would be piqued. I immediately began releasing any preconceived ideas or romantic fantasies that might come into my thoughts. As it turned out, having so many things already on my plate around my recovery, it was actually fairly easy to turn my thoughts to other things. Yay!

I helped my aunt by clipping holly branches to adorn the buffet, cleaning and decorating the front bathroom, vacuuming the carpets, and setting the table. During the afternoon, I spent time organizing the small, but chaotic collection of kitchen and food items in my room. (One of the “conveniences” of temporary living quarters is having virtually everything all in the same room…) It didn’t take long, but I appreciated how helpful even this small task of organizing was. I was rewarded by finding two items I had fruitlessly searched for earlier in the week. Besides, now I know what I have with me.

The first guests, my cousin and her spouse, arrived while I was dressing for church. I left shortly afterward and returned from church to find everyone assembled: my cousin and her spouse, two step-cousins and their spouses, my aunt and uncle, and my aunt’s other “son,” George.

I am often nervous around people I don’t know, especially single, handsome men, which he turned out to be. But my efforts over the previous day and a half paid off. It was important that I had honored my plans to attend the Christmas Eve service at church and, even more so, that I acknowledged that I am still not ready for a relationship. It took me a very long time to be willing to recognize the boundaries of my recovery and to respect where I am right now.

Right now, I have important things that need my attention: finding more work, finding a place to live, taking care of my health and finances, and focusing on my recovery. As much as I do hope to someday have a love relationship, now is not the time. Recognizing this and respecting it has taken time and effort on my part. But this evening’s dinner, even with George sitting right next to me, showed me that I am making progress.

I was grateful to discover that, with very little effort, I was relaxed and comfortable being myself in circumstances that, a short time ago, would have gone quite differently. And that was one of the best Christmas presents I could have received!

This day’s action step(s):

  • Organizing my food and kitchen stuff.
  • Keeping my attention on my recovery and letting go the circumstances around me.

Days 6-8 – Saturday-Monday: Discovering grace

12 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

Today (Monday) I experienced what it’s like to make room for grace.

This weekend, I hit a wall. When I imagined doing this project, I had a Pollyanna vision of daily sorting through this box, working on that job application, and generally being “productive” in some way toward the goal I set for myself. I anticipated endless energy, as if things would suddenly be different simply because I had set a goal that was far enough out to give me time to get somewhere, not realizing I would become a task master, fearing that a single day missed might become two, then three, then more. I figured that pushing myself was the answer. Except I forgot one tiny thing – I respond poorly to being pushed, even when I’m doing the pushing.

Because I had been blogging late each night, knowing it was late but determined to push through, I got up Saturday morning, showered, had breakfast, then ran out of steam! I went back to bed for two hours, then felt fuzzy for most of the day…and weekend. I did go by my storage unit on my way to a meeting, however, and picked up some things to sort.

Fortunately, I had a built-in reprieve on Sunday. After church, I helped my aunt finish spiffing-up the house before my cousins arrived for a family dinner. I enjoyed the visit, but kept yawning. They left early (around 8:00) and I was asleep shortly after 9:00.

The post I had started yesterday (Sunday) was startlingly different from my experience of today. My impatience was evident: “You see, I want all the stuff in the room next to me to be cleaned up, cleared up, organized and either in storage or neatly accessible for me now! I don’t want it to take a few weeks. I don’t want to have to have this messiness right next to me where I see it every time I open the door! I want to be surrounded by the order and neatness that has virtually never been a part of my surroundings, except in isolated instances (like before I move in and live for a few days) and I keep wondering why things aren’t happening faster!”

That’s how I was feeling – and I was exhausted from the constant pushing. But today, things shifted for me. By the end of the day, I had discovered how much more gracefully things go when I take time to listen, to let go, and to be gentle with myself.

I was wait-listed for a workshop at JVS this afternoon. It was full, but you can show up early and hope to get in. So I totally let go of expectations around getting in and made the trip to the City. If I didn’t get in, I would only be out some time and about $7.80 of BART fare. It was when I was driving home from the BART station after the trip that I noticed just how much grace had accompanied me this afternoon.

  • I found close, free parking.
  • I had a short wait for the train.
  • I had a delightful conversation with a stranger on the way to SF.
  • I got into the workshop (and it was pretty full).
  • A classmate next to me alerted me to the Linked-In II class next Monday.
  • I immediately registered and got in!
  • I got to the BART station quickly after class and had barely a 2-minute wait for my preferred train.
  • I easily got a seat – facing forward!
  • And I was greeted by carolers near the station exit – singing one of my very favorite Christmas carols, no less.

I even had easy traffic driving home.

Where does grace start? Was it the decision to follow my intuition to attend this workshop? The releasing of expectations around getting into it? Or was it in choosing to be kind to myself for the last twenty-four hours?

Every day this week, I have something scheduled and each ‘event’ is something that moves me in a healthy, helpful direction. Today, it was the workshop at JVS. Tomorrow, my first appointment with my employment specialist. Wednesday, a massage. Thursday, a meeting with my sponsor. Friday through Sunday, (InterPlay) Life Practice Program. Maybe I can carry what I learned today into the rest of my week…

(Btw, my mouse, which has not worked to scroll both directions for months now, is suddenly working properly. Who says miracles can’t happen every day?)

As for “progress” on my project each day (or each blog), I’ve decided to put those notes at the bottom each time. They aren’t often interesting, although I rather like keeping tabs so I can appreciate my progress.

My “action” step(s):

  • Saturday I picked up three containers of herbs and vitamins from storage to sort and clear out what I no longer want or need.
  • An ongoing step: to use (up) the lotion in the partially empty bottles I’ve been hanging onto to consolidate into a single bottle.

Day 4 – Thursday: Bumpy beginning – gentler ending

08 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , , ,

Here’s the challenge I’m discovering about this blogging process – at least in my present circumstances. I am what might technically be called “homeless.” Although I have a roof over my head (thanks to the generosity of my aunt and uncle), I do not have a place I can actually call “mine.” My stay here is temporary and the room I am using is partially occupied by my aunt’s things. My uncle has a computer I can use when he is not in his office (and he enjoys doing things in there often), but I have no internet access on my own computer. Thus, I end up doing my posts at odd hours – most often while my aunt and uncle are enjoying their dinner after eight-something at night. (And I thought only people in books and movies ate that late!) Then, in part because of the neuron-activating nature of being on a computer and in part because of the mental activity of writing the blog, I end up getting to sleep much later than my norm, which makes getting up in the morning that much harder. (I prefer the 5:00-6:00 window for arising – preferably closer to 5:00 than 6:00.)

That said, I may end up writing my blogs on my computer – as I did with this one, then transferring them and/or writing them a day late. Of course, writing them a day late challenges my memory! 😉

Today, my day became about self-care. I began my morning with a most interesting event at work. I leaned on a shelf, apparently with too much weight. The shelf broke, I smashed my nose on a glass-sphere paper weight (I realized later) and hit my head on I-don’t-know-what. Fortunately, no one was around to see or hear the ridiculous chaos, including my shriek of pain as I clutched my nose.

After grabbing some paper towels to apply to my battered nose, I made my way downstairs to the bathroom to apply a cold compress (i.e., a wet paper towel) and to clean up a bit. (Thank goodness, my hands and the paper towels had kept my clothing safe!) I then went upstairs, cleaned the few small drips of blood from the carpet, and wondered when someone would arrive to be properly sympathetic to my ordeal. Naturally, it was a late day for everyone but me.

It actually wasn’t an ordeal at all, though it was startling and startlingly painful for a short bit. I took a few ibuprofen and approached the rest of my day with due caution. It was odd to discover how battered I felt.

To be quite honest, I’m not the least bit certain I tackled any fears this day. In a peculiar kind of way, the painful experience with my nose (which, fortunately, barely evidences the earlier trauma) freed me from feeling overly anxious about breaking the shelf. I’m still puzzling how exactly it all happened in the first place. I know I have leaned on that shelf before. Perhaps this was simply the straw on the camel’s back. (I don’t think I’ve gained upper body weight…)

Something interesting is happening though. I am noticing small ways in which my journey out of the fear is manifesting at work. I find myself tossing things into the recycle bin more easily, rather than hanging onto them “in case.” And today, after the morning’s excitement, I found myself willing to set a healthy boundary. I was concerned about getting certain parts of my work done today, especially after having missed all of last week while I moved out of my apartment. Yet I knew I needed to go home earlier, rather than later. So, I did all of one type of correspondence (the more urgent kind) and organized the remaining correspondence to be done next week. The truth is, there is no end to the tasks at work – too little time to do too much work tends to work that way.

After heading the wrong way on the freeway when I finally headed “home,” I ended up buying some foods my body needed and giving myself permission to treat myself gently for the rest of the evening. That has included a long phone conversation with a friend, watching a movie that makes me both laugh and cry, writing these blogs, and letting go the obligation to “work” on this project. Is that a letting go of the fear of not performing the “obligatory” fear releasing activities? Could be…

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