Day 27 – Saturday, December 31: Rethinking the year and other things

31 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , ,

This year’s a little hard to rethink. Would I have moved out with my friend had I known I would be asked to leave barely six months later because I couldn’t make the rent? Maybe. My financial situation would not likely have been much better had I stayed where I was and I needed a place where I felt nourished, and with more light and space. For a while I did feel that way and maybe getting out of the other place was the point.

What might I have done differently had I realized how quickly I would slip into a financial quagmire? If I think about it, I was just as scared of launching into new areas of looking for work then as I am now, perhaps even more. I’m still better at studying the how-to-do-it than I am the actual doing it. Sometimes those baby steps feel like I’m just marching in place. Yet I’m not certain I was able to do much more than I did.

One of my former classmates has a motto I’ve thought about often in the years since I’ve met him: Do something that scares you every day. It’s always sounded like something I wish I could do with the ease he seems to have around it. As if doing something that scares you is an exciting adventure to be explored. Right now, I’m not certain I’m doing something that scares me even once a week. The thing is, I think I’m scared of feeling scared, if that makes any sense. It’s as if I’m afraid I’ll fall apart or something if I try to do something and can’t because of the fear.

I’ve heard that courage is not about being fearless, but continuing on despite the fear. Maybe that’s all I need to do – keep taking those steps, even when they feel tiny. The fact of the matter is, they will not always be tiny; every now and then I’ll be able to take a bigger step, even a leap. Who knows, maybe I’ll even learn to run a bit. It could happen!

If you have a copy of Courage to Change, check out the July 28th reading. It’s one of the ones indexed under “progress, not perfection.” The author tells about how a stonecutter may strike a stone again and again with no apparent effect. Then, all of a sudden, that 100th strike breaks the stone apart. But it wasn’t really the 100th strike that did it – it was the 99 that came before it that enabled that final blow to make the difference. I’m going to try to remember this in the coming weeks and months when I’m tempted to feel like I’m not making progress. The truth is, there’s a lot of inner work going on even when I think I’m not doing anything. Every now and then I respond to something differently and realize I am making progress. That’s often all the encouragement I need to forge ahead with new resolve.

May you be blessed with all the encouragement you need for whatever challenges you’re facing!

And here’s a question for you: I’m still learning how to “blog,” in the sense of generating some discussion. What encourages you to comment or exchange ideas on a blog like this?  I’d really like to know. (Your response to this can remain private, btw – just let me know and I won’t approve it for public posting.)

Today’s action step(s):

  • Meeting a fellow program member who needed instruction in getting into the building for some special meetings today.
  • Making the commitment to be the secretary at one of my regular Al-Anon meetings, even though I no longer live close by.
  • Demonstrating my faith in God by writing my first check for 2012 to my church. (What a great way to begin my year financially!)

Day 25 – Thursday, Dec. 29: Learning to let go

29 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , ,

A little over a year ago, I wrote something in my reflection journal that I appreciated reading this morning. I was responding to several things: a verse from Philippians (4:11), where Paul writes that he has learned to be content with whatever he has; a reflection with this verse from a Daily Guideposts devotional (not sure which year, probably 2010); and the events that were going on in my life at the time – upcoming surgery, final semester in seminary and so on. In some ways I am in a very different place in my journey; in other ways, I am very much in the same place. Here’s the gist of what I wrote:

The (devotional) author talked about a mythical place called “When,” as in when I get done with xyz, I’ll do this. I know this place well – I think I lived there most of my life. But when I read this devotion, I realized I have already moved out of “When,” at least for the most part.

I can hear lingering thoughts in my mind even now; wistful images of happiness when this happens or time to do that when that happens. The difference is that now I know better. I finally get that things in me, especially behavior patterns, do not change just because outer circumstances change. Moving into a nicer room will not magically cause my files to suddenly become organized. Nor will buying new organizers relieve the problem either. (I’ve tried that many, many times.)

It’s taken me a long time to get this far and I still have a ways to go. Most of my progress has been through letting go of the fruitless seeking of quick fixes. And that has been a slow lesson to get.

I still dream of a larger room, a nicer apartment with lots of light and camaraderie, a loving partner to share my life, and so on. But I know it takes time for all of this to happen – especially for me to become ready to receive these dreams. In the time between now and whatever blessings may await me, I am learning more and more to appreciate all that I have now.

 The funny thing is, I did get a couple of those things. I moved into an apartment with a friend. The place had lots of light and my room seemed much larger, although it probably wasn’t that different in size. But my fears kept me from moving forward and I didn’t know how to break the patterns of my behavior that were holding me back.

I’m still working on this, which is why I am here, writing this now. I read something else that I wrote in another journal entry last year that I keep thinking about:

Every step toward trust is a step away from fear.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last few days after coming across it. Sometimes I think my fears are this giant challenge I have to overcome all at once, with or without God’s help. I forget that sometimes it really only does take those small steps, one by one, little by little putting distance between me and the fear that used to hold me back.

Today I took another step, trusting that whichever way things went, God would show me the way to what I need. I’m still learning how to make this more of a consistent way to respond to my fears and know that this, too, takes time and practice.

How do you let go or move past the fears and challenges in your life?

Today’s action step(s):

  • Getting my thyroid prescription filled – affordably and gracefully easily! (I was anxious that the prescription was “past due,” but that wasn’t an issue whatsoever.)
  • Taking some things to storage.
  • Parking a little farther away from where I need to go just to get a bit more walking in.

Day 23 – Tuesday, Dec. 27: Argh… Then again…

27 Dec 2011 1 Comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery Tags: , , , , , , ,

Do you ever have those days when things just keep not working? Well, I’m having one of those days.

I went early to work on a computer before my resume workshop this morning. First the computer shut down when I was in the middle of writing an email. Then the programs took so long to open, I thought they hadn’t. After I finally got going, then wanted to try a different approach, the computer froze up altogether. We had to do a hard shutdown – about ten minutes before my workshop. Not helpful.

Now, I’ve spent a frustrating 20 of my allotted 60 minutes on the library computer, fighting with a similarly slow and seemingly unresponsive computer. Argh! I really don’t think it’s all about being impatient, but I confess that I have been.

My crackpot theory is that I’m having this kind of day because preparing for the resume lab raised my anxiety level in the first place. The thing is, I feel the need to find a job that will provide a regular paycheck that will allow me to take care of my financial responsibilities. But my presumptions around that are that this means a desk job, doing office work – which I happen to be good at and generally enjoy. But what I really want to do is the kind of work my recent seminary training prepared me to do, which is things like education, lay ministry, chaplaincy, developing some new curricula, and so on. (I’m not going to be a pastor, btw, but I do want to do things that support people spiritually and emotionally.)

When I think about getting full-time work as an administrative assistant, I usually first start to feel trapped and ‘panicky’ (not in the clinical sense, just in the ridiculous, Al-Anonish, mind racing off in stupid directions kind of panicky). I forget that I might actually love being an admin at the right kind of organization where I can also help provide spiritual and emotional support for people.

My question for myself right now is this: How am I limiting myself in my desire to find satisfying, gainful employment by these presumptions and the preconceived ideas, which are triggering the fear?

I don’t have any brilliant (or coherent) answer to this at the moment. I keep hearing that I need clarity around what I want – and I know that’s true. If I don’t feel clear in what I want, how can I possibly come across as a good candidate, let alone top candidate for any given job?

What I noticed last night as I quickly made a few changes to my resume for this morning’s workshop is that there’s a kind of domino effect that happens when I work on my resume. The resume tweaking leads to anxiety about getting it “right.” The idea of actually submitting the resume leads to anxiety about how I present myself in the cover letter and resume. The idea of actually getting an interview makes me nervous for all the same reasons. And all of these thoughts lead to the work that might really help me find a place and work I would enjoy – informational interviewing. And that, at the moment, scares the peewaddlin’ out of me! Although I notice I actually start feeling a twinge more interest and excitement at the prospect of doing informational interviews around chaplaincy work or certain organizations. Hmmm…

I need to remember that I only have to take this one small step at a time. Do you suppose I could tattoo this on my hands or somewhere I might remember it more often?

Day 17 – Wednesday, Dec. 21: Mixed feelings

21 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , ,

This morning I woke up with the freedom to not leap out of bed and get a busy start to my day. I lay there and began to thank God for the things I was noticing and appreciating in that moment: Being able to sleep until I was “done.” The comfort in my right eye, which has been bothersome these past few days. The space over the holidays to attend to such things as student loan paperwork and other financial matters. Even the time to start jotting down the many things that actually do need my attention if I am to take care of myself better.

When I thanked God for my aunt and uncle and having a safe space to stay for the holidays, I ended up in tears as a mixture of pain and appreciation filled me. The ‘pain’ is the loneliness I feel and the longing for family, particularly for my son and for the aunt, uncle and cousins I grew up with from my mother’s side of the family. (I’m staying with my dad’s older brother.) My other uncle has passed on and my other aunt lives in a lovely and personable assisted-living facility several hours away. My cousins, their children, have, of course, grown up and now have families of their own all around the state. My son is living a couple of states away and neither of us have the funds for travel to see each other. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often.

The appreciation I felt is deep gratitude for being with family rather than strangers and for being in a place that feels safe and familiar. It gives me the space to attend to the challenges that are on my plate at the moment. And these are the edges where fear tends to live.

Student loan paperwork to defer repayment, finding housing where rent will not be needed (at least for a time), and addressing healthcare issues with no insurance can be challenging on a well-paid day. They feel intimidating to me right now, when my finances are so tight. I wonder how I will ever be able to take care of these things on my present income.

When I try to muster the energy and courage to search for work, it just isn’t there if I’m in the midst of feeling overwhelmed. The release of tears this morning helped. It is helpful to acknowledge just how difficult this journey is for me right now.

For a little while, I felt energized to begin tackling some of these scary things and resume the tiny steps toward my goals. But I can’t always turn on that tear-release-valve and capture a sudden burst of energy and confidence. Most of the time, I have to keep reading things, reminding myself that I am not alone on this journey, and keep taking those baby steps. (The movie “What About Bob?” comes to mind. Maybe I should look for it at the library.)

How do you face these kinds of challenges in your own life? Or what kinds of challenges are you facing? I’d be interested to hear, if you’re willing to share.

Take care and be blessed.

Today’s action step(s):

  • Threw away a formerly favorite velour sweater that I virtually never wear anymore. 😦
  • Checked bank balance and downloaded statement to balance.
  • Re-posted ad to find housing on Craigslist.

Day 16 – Tuesday, Dec. 20: I remembered the reason I’m doing this

20 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery Tags: , , ,

Quick, before my aunt and uncle return and he begins his evening round of Freecell, I shall post!

There’s an event coming up later this week and I have been hemming and hawing about going. Some of the activities are not fun for me, nor comfortable. In fact, if it weren’t for the company, I wouldn’t go at all. Then I remembered the point of this journey is to break past my fears. So, I’ve decided to go. I’m still a little nervous about showing up properly attired and equipped, but I’ll get over it.

I realized, the discomfort I feel around certain kinds of activities is rooted in fear. The fears are silly, actually. They include things like worrying about what people might think of me if I’m not dressed a certain way, if I don’t want to partake of certain foods or beverages, if I don’t think such-and-such is fun or any number of other things I might do “wrong.” I notice that notions of “right” and “wrong” are often at the heart of my fears, as if life were all about doing things “right” or “wrong.” Who decides which is which in the first place? And since when is our world so black-and-white that there’s a dichotomy of judgment around any given behavior or activity?

In any case, I’ve decided to attend at least this one event precisely because it’s uncomfortable and scary for me. The cost is minimal. The people who will be there include many I know and like. And I might even forget myself and have some fun. Besides, I want to exercise my “pretending to be brave” behavior so I can have an opportunity to discover that my fears were (of course) completely unfounded. As I have often discovered before, my fears about doing xyz are usually far worse than actually doing xyz.

So, that’s it for today. No major breakthroughs today. Although I did release a small item I had started to hang onto. I realized holding onto silly little things (like this envelope with Russian words printed on it – I have a thing about the Russian language) is the very reason I have accumulated such an alarming amount of stuff, including lots and lots and lots of papers, in the first place. I also let go of preconceived notions about what kind of cereals I might buy and had a wonderful experience of buying some new, cool, gluten-free cereals at this wonderful whole foods store nearby. I think my body’s going to appreciate that!

Okay, enough for now. Dinner’s a-cooking and I want to be ready to relax and enjoy it when it’s done!

Todays action step(s):

  • Deciding to go to ignore my fears and apprehensions and go to a gathering with some of my friends.
  • Signing up for more workshops to help me in my job search.

Day 15 – Monday, Dec. 19: Falling behind or catching up?

19 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , , , ,

I’m not honestly sure whether I had unrealistic expectations when I set my goals for this blog or simply underestimated the challenge of limited computer access. I have come to realize that trying to take “action” toward my goals every single day does not allow much room for grace. Nor does it allow me room to grow or to integrate what I am learning – especially if I put narrow parameters on what form the steps of the journey take. However, I still prefer to think in terms of my intention to daily attend to this project and it remains an ongoing conversation in my thoughts.

 I don’t have access to an online computer right now, as I am writing this, and actually the power just went out, so I have to shut my computer down for now…

 Power’s back on for now. We’ll see if I can complete this entry…

I’m learning a lot about letting go these days. Most of my weekend, which began Friday evening after a full day’s work, was spent at InterPlayce in the Life Practice Program – our final weekend for this group. The weekend was full of opportunities to dive into the things that are “up” for me, which includes my fears. I came home too tired to even think about tackling anything “productive.” After the first week or so of working on this blog until past my usual heading for bed time, I have been reluctant to push the envelope. Even now, I should be getting ready for bed – I really need the sleep. But I’ve missed too many days already.

It would be nice to be able to say I tackled a particular something-or-other this weekend, but the truth is, I came home and either headed straight for bed or unwound a little and then headed for bed every evening for the past three nights. The mail I picked up on Friday still awaits my attention (except the two Christmas cards from cousins). The piles and clutter still linger. My resume is not yet revised after some new and helpful suggestions. Yet I know all of these things will be taken care of in time.

It has also just occurred to me that I actually did do something this weekend that I have usually been too afraid to do in times past.

A colleague said something to me that felt rude. I was taken aback and already a bit out of sorts with so much on my mind. I chewed on it for a while and resisted the urge to say something snippy. When I finally found the courage to say something (which actually happened less than an hour later), we both managed to muddle through the conversation fairly well. I told her how it had felt to me; she felt sad that I had experienced her request that way. I acknowledged that I knew it was my problem and we actually discussed how both of us might have responded differently.

It may seem odd (or not), but I believe this is one of the first times I have ever directly addressed something like this and dealt with it head on. Certainly, it is the first time I have dealt with something like this so quickly. In times past, I would have continued to stew, complained to someone else, or generally avoided facing it at all. But I work with this person and want our relationship to be free of hidden resentments. When I acknowledged that it felt scary just bringing it up with her, she understood. Near the end of the conversation, when I (jokingly) asked her if she’d write a note to my sponsor, she gave an enthusiastic, “Yes!” 😉 and we high-fived for the both of us.

I realize this is actually the sort of random occurrence I hope will happen more often as I continue to hold the intention of walking this journey.

This weekend’s action step(s):

  • Dealing with an uncomfortable and awkward situation almost immediately after it happened.

Day 9 – Tuesday: Yikes!

13 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery Tags: , , ,

So much for the sense of grace floating me on a cushion of gentleness. Today I met with my employment specialist at JVS. She gave me some forms to start on while she checked her parking meter. As soon as I encountered questions like “Can you give 20 hours a week to your job search?” and “Do you have a stable place to live while you look for work?” I started feeling overwhelmed and disconcertingly close to falling apart. Thankfully, I had distracted myself by the time she came in and she did not actually go through all those (for me) deeply personal questions with unsettling answers.

Instead our conversation centered around what kind of work I want to do and where I might like to do it. This all sounds so simple, but it doesn’t feel at all simple for me right now. It feels distressing and confusing and dreadfully insecure when so much of my life feels up in the air.

Because I need income, I feel I must look for a “survival job” to pay the bills and regain my footing, but I dislike the implications of the term “survival job.” The truth is, I want to work some place – or places – where I enjoy working and want to continue working. I think I may be what some call a “nester” – I want to be able to settle in and enjoy being in one place for a long while. I like the stability; I like the familiarity; I like the opportunity to become better and more efficient at what I’m doing; and I like having a consistent rhythm to my days and weeks. The idea of looking for work that is far more “permanent” than the place I’m staying feels very disconcerting indeed.

My employment specialist encouraged me to start networking, researching some places I might like to work, setting up times to talk to people, considering volunteering, and generally putting myself out there. I could feel my body cringing at the thought. My “ohshitometer” was hitting near the red zone. (That’s pronounced “oh-shi-TAW-mi-tur,” btw.) I kept thinking of all the reasons I had other, more important things to do. You know, like sorting the papers on my desk, or reading about the things I should be doing, or sorting papers, or reading how to use WordPress, or… Well, I know I had some really “good reasons” to do anything but moving toward the many suggestions she gave me. (Lack of convenient online computer access is my current favorite.) She even recommended Toastmasters! That is totally too scary to contemplate just yet.

Still, I’ve finally officially connected with an employment specialist and now have someone who is specifically there to encourage me, send me job possibilities now and then, and generally provide some accountability for my efforts in connecting with job possibilities.

Yesterday’s Linked-In class was very helpful, yet even that kind of connecting feels scary. For reasons that baffle me when I stop to think about them, I tend to presume that everything needs to be done just so or there will be either disaster or acute embarrassment. Of course, neither of these things happens but rarely, but try telling me that when I have that bunny-in-the-headlights expression on my face and the corresponding feelings in my head!

However, to be honest, this day was actually surprisingly graceful despite the scary steps (or should I say, talking about the scary steps). Without planning to, I let things unfold this morning, rather than trying to fit everything I usually do into the time between waking up (or thinking about waking up) and getting out the door. I still have some reflection writing to do, because I tried unbending my self-imposed rules this morning, but I’m looking forward to it ending my evening. It felt good to let things happen with greater ease. I’m still thinking about how I might – or might not – want to do things differently on the mornings I work. Because I went with the flow, I left later than I’d hoped, but right when I was ready, encountered surprisingly unclogged traffic and easily found close parking to work, a blessing that happens inconsistently. Between work and returning home, the transitions went surprisingly smoothly and I feel good about what I got done.

I’ll try not to think too much about the scary steps I hope to begin taking soon and look forward to a full night’s sleep.

Thanks for being there.

Blessings!

My action step(s):

  • Meeting with my employment specialist.
  • Registering for more JVS workshops in the next two weeks (Developing an “Elevator” Pitch, Networking Techniques, and a Resume Lab).

Days 6-8 – Saturday-Monday: Discovering grace

12 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

Today (Monday) I experienced what it’s like to make room for grace.

This weekend, I hit a wall. When I imagined doing this project, I had a Pollyanna vision of daily sorting through this box, working on that job application, and generally being “productive” in some way toward the goal I set for myself. I anticipated endless energy, as if things would suddenly be different simply because I had set a goal that was far enough out to give me time to get somewhere, not realizing I would become a task master, fearing that a single day missed might become two, then three, then more. I figured that pushing myself was the answer. Except I forgot one tiny thing – I respond poorly to being pushed, even when I’m doing the pushing.

Because I had been blogging late each night, knowing it was late but determined to push through, I got up Saturday morning, showered, had breakfast, then ran out of steam! I went back to bed for two hours, then felt fuzzy for most of the day…and weekend. I did go by my storage unit on my way to a meeting, however, and picked up some things to sort.

Fortunately, I had a built-in reprieve on Sunday. After church, I helped my aunt finish spiffing-up the house before my cousins arrived for a family dinner. I enjoyed the visit, but kept yawning. They left early (around 8:00) and I was asleep shortly after 9:00.

The post I had started yesterday (Sunday) was startlingly different from my experience of today. My impatience was evident: “You see, I want all the stuff in the room next to me to be cleaned up, cleared up, organized and either in storage or neatly accessible for me now! I don’t want it to take a few weeks. I don’t want to have to have this messiness right next to me where I see it every time I open the door! I want to be surrounded by the order and neatness that has virtually never been a part of my surroundings, except in isolated instances (like before I move in and live for a few days) and I keep wondering why things aren’t happening faster!”

That’s how I was feeling – and I was exhausted from the constant pushing. But today, things shifted for me. By the end of the day, I had discovered how much more gracefully things go when I take time to listen, to let go, and to be gentle with myself.

I was wait-listed for a workshop at JVS this afternoon. It was full, but you can show up early and hope to get in. So I totally let go of expectations around getting in and made the trip to the City. If I didn’t get in, I would only be out some time and about $7.80 of BART fare. It was when I was driving home from the BART station after the trip that I noticed just how much grace had accompanied me this afternoon.

  • I found close, free parking.
  • I had a short wait for the train.
  • I had a delightful conversation with a stranger on the way to SF.
  • I got into the workshop (and it was pretty full).
  • A classmate next to me alerted me to the Linked-In II class next Monday.
  • I immediately registered and got in!
  • I got to the BART station quickly after class and had barely a 2-minute wait for my preferred train.
  • I easily got a seat – facing forward!
  • And I was greeted by carolers near the station exit – singing one of my very favorite Christmas carols, no less.

I even had easy traffic driving home.

Where does grace start? Was it the decision to follow my intuition to attend this workshop? The releasing of expectations around getting into it? Or was it in choosing to be kind to myself for the last twenty-four hours?

Every day this week, I have something scheduled and each ‘event’ is something that moves me in a healthy, helpful direction. Today, it was the workshop at JVS. Tomorrow, my first appointment with my employment specialist. Wednesday, a massage. Thursday, a meeting with my sponsor. Friday through Sunday, (InterPlay) Life Practice Program. Maybe I can carry what I learned today into the rest of my week…

(Btw, my mouse, which has not worked to scroll both directions for months now, is suddenly working properly. Who says miracles can’t happen every day?)

As for “progress” on my project each day (or each blog), I’ve decided to put those notes at the bottom each time. They aren’t often interesting, although I rather like keeping tabs so I can appreciate my progress.

My “action” step(s):

  • Saturday I picked up three containers of herbs and vitamins from storage to sort and clear out what I no longer want or need.
  • An ongoing step: to use (up) the lotion in the partially empty bottles I’ve been hanging onto to consolidate into a single bottle.

Day 5 – Friday: Is it just me?

09 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , , , ,

Today, I let myself sleep in and decided not push myself. I needed to do laundry and I wanted to go through something – some box or bag – to get rid of some things. In and of itself, going through stuff doesn’t necessarily feel scary. But that’s the tricky part – I don’t always know what will trigger fear or simply lead to my feeling overwhelmed by life again. Sometimes the clearing out of some box becomes exhilarating. It’s a toss up and I’m never certain which side of the coin will be face up once I throw it in the air.

This evening, I found myself wrestling with fear again (and not necessarily winning). I did a bit of throwing things out earlier in the day, once again enjoying tossing some things I used to think I needed to hold onto. Once I was done with the one small plastic tub, though, I didn’t quite know what to do. I’ve been thinking more about the need to again start looking for employment opportunities, but couldn’t quite seem to get there. My uncle’s frequent presence in his office (did I mention he’s 91?) inhibits the freedom I have in hopping online to see what’s out there. It can be a convenient excuse. I vaguely thought of rewriting my recent cover letter – the one that didn’t get me an interview – to see how I might improve it, as practice for future letters. I just couldn’t seem to get there.

When I was later enjoying a long phone conversation with one of my best friends, something about looking for work came up. I was soon in tears, feeling completely overwhelmed by the whole process. Was it really so simple to look for work back in 1998 when I landed my last full-time job? Is it actually harder now? Or is it just me?

I keep hearing that things truly are different, that with the economy the way it is there are simply more people looking for work and employers are overloaded by the sheer volume of applications. If your application isn’t dazzling, it quickly gets tossed in the reject pile. Yet even in hard economic times there are people finding work and people making money.  There are opportunities out there.

So, how do I stay afloat, buoying up my courage and confidence (make that developing the confidence) to learn the things I need to learn to find the work I need to find to be able to provide myself with such mundane things as a roof over my head?

My friend tells me I’m doing a lot of hard work right now. She means the deep inner work I’m doing. Sometimes it feels like I am; sometimes it feels like I’m just avoiding doing what seems like the “hard” stuff – like looking for work. I’m not a “pavement pounder” and the thought of “knocking on doors” to see if people are hiring scares the peewaddlin’ out of me. I don’t see that happening anytime soon, if ever. But I can put one foot in front of the other. I can take tiny, baby steps in that direction. The tiny steps feel manageable, especially when I don’t think too far ahead.

Maybe the real work is to resist the temptation to turn tail and run when I feel scared and overwhelmed and completely intimidated by the daunting task of stepping into unfamiliar territory, learning to “network” and “present” myself well in an interview (should I be fortunate enough to reach this stage of the hiring process). It’s much easier to go through a box and dwindle its contents down to the things I truly want to keep than to think about looking for work. Of course, I’ll have to remind myself of that the next time going through the “stuff” feels overwhelming. Then again, it usually feels overwhelming because it’s all connected – the too-much stuff, the skinny finances, the stepping out into the “job search” arena, and so on. I’m not sure, but I think it’s called “life.”

So when and why did life become so dang scary?

Day 3 – Wednesday: Different journeys?

08 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Transformation Tags: , , , , ,

In the midst of this process, I am often amazed to discover parallels between my journey from a year ago and my journey today. In one of my journals from last year, I wrote: Piece by piece, I find myself pulling together the tattered edges of my life. They have become tattered through neglect and through simply not knowing how – or perhaps being willing? – to go at them in a more effective manner. Shades of the Al Anon journey.

Years ago, I didn’t know what I didn’t know. In 1998, I read Janet Woititz’s book Adult Children of Alcoholics, recommended by a family member who wisely recognized that we were, indeed, raised in an alcoholic home, even though the alcoholic was no longer present in the home (or in our lives for the most part). I was startled to feel like I was reading about myself. One of the things Woititz said was that adult children of alcoholics “guess at what normal is.” How true that is! Lately I’ve begun noticing more and more things that I don’t know how to do. I find myself wondering how others seem to do so many things with ease. I wonder what class I missed while growing up. I wonder what class I can take to catch up. I feel anything but “normal.”

I’m not sure what I meant by “tattered edges” last November. The entry was written just three weeks before I had my hyperactive, unhappy thyroid gland removed. The surgery brought blessed relief to my body and I suspect the transition in my health is what has enabled me to work at deeper levels in other arenas. Being freed from the persistent physical challenge has allowed me to notice more the things going on inside my mind, including the fears to which I turn my attention through this blog-journey. The first two days, I was focused on letting go of stuff I don’t need. This day I reached into other arenas where fear has held me back.

Wednesday was a day of attending to one of the bigger challenges in my present life – learning how to (effectively) search for work. I have a part-time job at a place I love and hope I will be able to stay there. Needless to say, though, having only one part-time job makes life a bit challenging. Thankfully, a friend recently introduced me to a wonderful organization, “JVS” (Jewish Vocational Services) in San Francisco (http://jvs.org). This organization provides a fantastic array of workshops and training to prepare people for finding work and it’s available to whomever needs the help and support, regardless of faith affiliation. There were two JVS activities on my calendar this day.

In the morning, I went into the City to attend a cover letter and thank-you note writing workshop. All through the workshop I thought about a recent application I had submitted. I had learned that I was not being considered for the job, though my resume “impressed” the hiring committee. After attending this workshop, I could see several things I would have done differently in my cover letter that might have given me a better shot at an interview. This part of my day was more helpful than intimidating. The scary part came later – the “networking event.”

I’ve never been to a networking event and the mere idea of going someplace for the express purpose of “networking” intimidates me enormously. I barely know how to socialize with a group of friends. For whatever reason, when I’m with more than one or two people – even friends – I quickly turn into a wallflower and disappear at the first opportunity. Being intentionally with twenty or so people to “network” felt most intimidating. But I’ve made a commitment to “job searching” and learning how to do it. The truth is, I know these events are also teaching me skills that will serve me well in the work I want to do.

After a hesitant start, I found myself rather comfortably visiting with a few different people at various times during the 90 minutes I was there. I had no expectations of finding a job connection at this, so I had let go concerns about how I presented myself and practiced just being me. I was nervous at first, but I’m glad I went. I didn’t stay long, but I learned enough to know I can do this – and to realize that I’ll get better with practice.

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