Day 102 (Thu/Mar 22): Ten days – The “Should” monster, a journey within the journey

22 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I *do* feel a little lost hanging out in financial neverland...

This morning as I was driving to my temp job, I noticed the residual anxiety from the evening before. Speaking to a creditor who was trying to “problem solve” for me wasn’t particularly helpful. It seems so odd sometimes how cavalier they can be about how I should resolve my situation. Borrowing money from family or friends seems a favorite suggestion. This particular person even suggested borrowing from the bank. (Let’s see… Credit rapidly washing down the drain. Go to a bank and ask for money to pay off one debt that I can’t pay because I don’t have the income, so I can have a new debt with no money to pay it. Hmmm. Am I missing something here?!)

So, as I drove, I asked myself what was the exact cause of the anxiety I was feeling. I knew there was something else besides guilt and frustration at being in the situation in the first place. Suddenly it dawned on me:

I was feeling anxious because I think there’s something I’m supposed to be doing that I’m not doing.

Wow! There’s the dreaded “Should” monster, alive and well in my mind!

This is *not* the "Should" Monster. This is my fearless protector!

A devotion I read earlier in the morning had triggered some of the feelings I was experiencing. The author had said that when we “fall short” of the “high calling” of Christ, we “betray” him/God. I’m going to try not to get on a religious rant here…but that’s not the God of my understanding!! Yet here I was, feeling like I had fallen short, thinking there were a bunch of things I should be doing that I wasn’t. The truth is, even though I don’t believe for a moment that God feels “betrayed” whenever we fail to do our very best, just reading this triggered all the guilt I’ve felt for being in such a financial situation in the first place. The author nailed me on my feelings, even though my mind knows better. Sigh…

It was recognizing the “Should” monster that helped me let go and release the temptation to beat myself up. And it was having those feelings thrown in my face that helped me to realize they were there in the first place. (I really know how to have a good time in my morning conversations with God, don’tcha think? ;-))

This evening, I am thankful for having recognized what was going on and being able to let it go before I began my thrilling work day of reading and editing endless job descriptions. Tomorrow, I’ll see how far I can get in the 106 I have left to do. Oy…

Let me always see the beauty around me

 Big and Small Steps:

  • In the last 24 hours, I’ve spoken with both my credit card companies. It’s the best I can do for the moment.
  • Updated my checkbook again. (It’s interesting that I was surprised at my balance, even though I was aware of it last week. I guess I didn’t need to pay attention when I knew there wasn’t anything there, so I forgot about it!)

Noticings:

  • How much better it feels to have called my second creditor this evening and gotten that conversation out of the way (for now – they call periodically).
  • How surprised I was that the second creditor, who had been the less cooperative of the two, seems a bit more helpful at the moment. Well, perhaps “patient” is a better word.
  • How much I actually enjoy feeling more “professional” looking when I’m dressed for my temp job. (I’ve virtually lived in denim pants for the past twenty-five years or so.)
  • How much I’m looking forward to currants in my hot cereal in the morning! (I’ve been out for a couple of days and just got some more today. :-))

Day 101 (Wed/Mar 21): Eleven days – Adventure is a state of mind, a journey within the journey

21 Mar 2012 4 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Life Practice Program group

I am so grateful that I went to InterPlay last night. Even though I was half an hour late to class, I connected seamlessly with the group and had a wonderful time. There was a remarkable young woman there with whom I connected. She and I had a lot of interests and experiences in common. It’s quite remarkable! And so typical of my InterPlay experiences – especially when I listen to those gentle nudges to be there for a particular class or event.

Today I found myself wrestling again with the uncertainty and challenge of my changing schedule. It finally dawned on me that I was starting to get frustrated with myself that I couldn’t figure out how to find more ease, more balance in juggling the temp job with my need and desire to be at my regular, part-time job. Today I worked half a day at each place. When I noticed myself struggling, I had to remind myself to let go even the struggle.

This morning, I had reflected on a verse that begins: Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. (Isaiah 43:18 NIV) I thought of all those embodied memories that are not so easy to forget. I don’t know about you, but mine tend to spring up whenever something rekindles them, sometimes unexpectedly, often unannounced.

It helps – a lot – to know that our bodies have their own memories. When I start to feel panicky, I can pause to consider what previous experience might have been triggered. Like right now, for instance. My body is filled with nervous anxiety after taking a call from one of my credit card companies. I so much want to be able to catch up on my payments before they have to “charge off” my accounts (i.e., send them to a collection agency), but I cannot give them and will not promise them money I do not have or expect to have. And talking about the anxiety seems to be making it worse! Augh!!

Much needed reminders...

The embodied reaction I’m having stems from an experience of crashing and burning financially more than twenty years ago. But the experience was so intense it became ingrained in my body. Having similar conversations about bills I can’t pay brings back those body memories.

Gosh this is fun… Not! It is time to release this into God’s capable hands because there’s very little I can do about it at the moment. (I sure am getting lots of opportunities to practice release. Hmmm.)

Generally, when I uncover the reason I’m overreacting to a particular situation, such as realizing that it’s triggering the body memories of former experiences, it does much to relieve the anxiety or at least to help me understand it. At this particular moment, I’ve only gotten as far as understanding it. 😉

There’s something I’ve heard often at Al Anon meetings: HALT. It means what it looks like – to stop, to pause, to cease whatever we’re doing. But the word is used as an acronym to remind us that whenever we feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, it is notthe time to make decisions or sometimes even to open our mouths and say anything. I know I’m tired this evening and I’m angry at the moment – frustrated by my inability to catch up my credit card bills when I wanted so badly to meet my responsibilities. So, for the moment, I won’t make any decisions about what to do.

Drawing how I feel lifts my spirits

It occurs to me that this is also an opportunity to let go the escalating tendency to berate myself for past failures and recent poor choices in how I’ve managed my finances. I’m glad I’m on this journey within the journey. I may have to work at it, but my goal is to focus on what I am doing that’s positive and helpful and to let go the rest. That reminds me…

A year ago, I reflected on the word “adventure” and how some people are able to see all the challenges and new things in life as adventures. There are some things that feel and sound like adventures to me, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind. It’s one of the things that feels more scary than adventurous.

A year ago, I was still regaining energy after my thyroid surgery and “adventure” sounded like something that requires a great deal more energy than I had at that moment. As I reflected in my journal about things I was eager to do, I wrote: “I’m just not sure I want to use that precise word [i.e., “adventure”] just yet. But I’d like to want to use it.”

That’s how I feel now. I’d like to think of my experiences and challenges as adventures. I’d like to see my financial situation as a challenge I’m eager to overcome. I’d like to have the mental, emotional and physical energy to tackle the whole networking/job-search experience with gusto. I’d like to look forward to new experiences with eager anticipation. I’d like to feel excitement more often than anxiety, to laugh more often than cry.

Most of all, I’d like to take joy in the unexpected because I am utterly certain it is God’s work at hand and that the results will be wonderful.

The blossoming of joy

Big and Small Steps:

  • Giving myself permission to turn off my phone for the rest of the evening.
  • Continuing to let go when things take longer than I expect.

Noticings:

  • How much I enjoy the way I learned to appreciate subtle patterns and differences in all sorts of creatures as a result of my first husband’s interest in snakes. I noticed this while I was watching some not-so-ordinary, beautiful little birds outside our window and appreciating the delicate markings that make them unique.
  • How much of a physical sensation anxiety can be.
  • How truly grateful I am for my time at InterPlay last night. My entire body-spirit was profoundly happy to be there!

Day 99 (Mon/Mar 19): Thirteen days – Confessions…, a journey within the journey

19 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Sometimes what looks like a wall is actually a gateway to someplace new

Earlier today I wrote: I’m actually feeling really grateful for my part-time job. On Friday, I received a late-notice, can-you-work-today call from the temp agency. She asked if I was available to work Friday, Monday and Tuesday. I was thrilled! On the other hand, I knew whatever we were doing might not require three whole days, as the last 9-day job turned out to be a 3-day job. As it happens, between Friday and today, I only worked a total of 10.75 hours. I’m grateful for the extra money, truly I am. I’m more grateful still for the distraction of my part-time “permanent” job and the fact that it distracts me from the deflation of such a short temp assignment.

It’s interesting to notice that I continue to think about a “lost” 6-week temp job that sounded great in many ways,

Just taking a step back can reveal new possibilities

including logistically. It occurs to me that the only reason I keep thinking of that job or other “missed” opportunities is because I am presuming that I’ve lost something that was mine to lose, which isn’t the case. I’m also presuming they would have changed my financial situation – which means I’m not remembering to trust God to take care of the details.

On the other hand, it’s fair to honor the reality that it’s deflating to have opportunities shrink after my anticipation rises. I’m just astonished to see how quickly my “fat” check disappeared and…

Ruh roh! I was just starting to beat myself up – and for things over which I’m powerless. See how easy it is to slip into that mode! I gotta remember to not let the deflation determine how I see things. It’s a darn good thing you’re here to remind me that I said I was only going to affirm the good in each day! 🙂

Later today…

God is always there, active, behind every act of releasing and letting go

Last night I was reading some more in Catherine Ponder’s book. She was talking about the power of releasing and letting go. I’ve mentioned before that I’m inching my way through this book, even though I’ve read it at least a couple of times, some chapters more than that. I feel the need to slow down and take in on deeper levels each concept she’s describing.

My car sounded a little odd coming home last night, so I decided to take the train to work after worrying about it. I felt more serene making that decision. The funny thing was, it became an ongoing exercise in releasing and letting go. I didn’t leave the house quite as early as I’d hoped. It would have been early enough if I was driving, but getting to the station, parking and catching the train added extra time. Then the train I needed was having computer trouble, which delayed it arriving and delayed us en route.

I continued to let it go, recognizing that I was powerless to change any of this. It was too late to change my mind and there was absolutely nothing I could do. Whenever anxiety about being late started to arise, I reminded myself that I had no control over this, including the reaction of my supervisor. I kept releasing it into God’s hands. I left messages in a couple of places, although I didn’t have the number for my supervisor. When I got there, she was totally fine and obviously pleased I had left a message with a her colleague.

This evening, I was refiguring my finances and thinking how I would use the small check I’ll receive this week and the even smaller one next week. I kept releasing it all, trusting that God is sorting out details I can’t (and may never) see. I felt serene despite some discomfort in my body. (Too much sitting; too little walking.) So I began releasing even that, electing to do what I can (stretching) and let go the rest.

It’s amazing how quickly things can change when we let go. Around 6:00 I got a call from the temp agency. (Weren’t they closed??) Could I return in the morning and work there the rest of the week?

I’m not holding on too tightly to the expectation of being there all week. We’ll see how things unfold. I am going to talk to them tomorrow about my part-time job and see if we can strike a balance that allows me to fulfill my responsibilities at both jobs. Whatever happens, I’m going to keep practicing letting go. 

Oh, the confession? My body tells me I’m still holding a lot of fear. My mid-back, low-back and hip are not happy campers. I also get a little overly excited when things start changing quickly, careening between nervousness, pleased-excitement and uncertainty about what will happen next. When I say I feel serene, I mean it. I’m just not convinced all of me has caught up with how wonderful it is to need to practice release!

Big and small steps:

  • Still enjoying the step workouts and did a bit of stretching this morning and a fair amount more this evening.
  • Asked the temp agency about shifting my schedule – which opened the door to them suggesting I work it out with the supervisor at the temp job.
  • Found some coupons for having my car serviced.

Noticings:

  • How tempting it is to try to “force” my body to loosen up and relax. (Uh, it doesn’t work.)
  • How grateful I am to have more work this week.
  • How grateful I am for my present employers (at my ‘regular’ job) – especially for their flexibility when I’m getting short notice about working elsewhere.

Day 98 (Sun/Mar 18): Fourteen days – Grace and space, a journey within the journey

18 Mar 2012 5 Comments

by Lucia in Change, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Have you ever had those moments when there’s a collision of graceful happenings in your life? They come out of the blue, completely unexpected, and are made all the more beautiful because of their happenstance. Yesterday I had such a day.

After carefully updating my checkbook, I did some errands. A new toner cartridge. A new thumb drive. (My recent photo-taking indulgence needs more space!) Gas for the car. A few essentials at the grocery store. Then to the library to hang out for a while before the meeting. Libraries are one of my favorite places to be. My watch battery died a couple of weeks ago, so I set a quiet alarm on my cell phone to notify me when I needed to leave for my Al Anon meeting.

In the meeting, I recounted the insanity of my having rehashed the communication mishaps of the previous week – the crazy stuff that led me to this journey within the journey. I forgot to mention that I’d been called to return to the same temp job. It doesn’t matter. At the end of the meeting, everyone helped return the chairs and I organized the materials. People were enjoying chatting after the meeting. I didn’t even notice what time I left with a friend of mine. She doesn’t have a car, so we sometimes enjoy the opportunity to catch up while I drive her home. We often go by the store as well.

Yesterday, this angel told me she wanted to pay for my groceries as an expression of appreciation for the many times I’ve given her rides. I was stunned! I had been wondering if I had enough money from my recent check to spend on groceries, what with a couple of bills yet to pay and the (expensive) toner cartridge to buy. Yet God provides.

While we were at the store, I couldn’t reach the rice-milk carton I needed. It was on a top shelf and there had obviously been lots of people buying some that evening. The remaining cartons were out of reach for all but the tall. An attractive man noticed my struggle and handed me one. When I remarked that they needed to rearrange their shelves, he began doing just that. Later, he was just ahead of me when my friend and I came up to the checkout counter. It occurred to me just how easily it can happen, when people meet and connect.

When my friend and I pulled onto the freeway, listening to a beautiful song from Like Breathing, I was amazed at how few cars there were. It was like landing in an expanded gap between groupings. I thought we might catch up to a congested spot, but it never happened. God had my attention. So much serenity on a “busy” freeway on a Saturday evening.

After dropping off my friend, I experienced the same thing getting back onto the freeway. Yet I could see a lot of headlights a fair distance behind me. I was playing that song again and the tears started flowing. Between the generosity of my friend and this incredible experience of virtually no traffic at a time when lots of cars were actually on the freeway, the notion of a chance encounter with someone…it all came together in a powerful affirmation of God’s grace in my life.

As I continued to reflect on the experience this morning, I noticed even more things. More moments of grace that had happened throughout a day when I’d chosen to let go worry or concern about such mundane things as time or hurrying.

  • I took the time for lunch and left a little later than planned, but decided not to worry. Traffic was light.
  • At a traffic light, when I asserted my (debatable) right of way, I realized I didn’t want to be or feel pushy. From that point on, there was increasing ease.
  • At the library, the lot was full, but the street next to the library was free, with several spaces. They quickly filled within a few minutes while I ate a snack in my car before going in.
  • There were lots of people in the library waiting for their turn to check out materials. I found a short line and enjoyed a tiny tot “helping” her mother scan the items.
  • I found parking spaces with ease at the places I shopped.
  • I went through checkout lines with little or no waiting.
  • My friend blessed me with a large sack full of food.
  • Then God cleared a wide swath for me all the way home!

When the tears came, my question for myself became: Am I afraid of receiving bigger blessings?

I’m still working on the answer…

From a beautiful card my son sent me...words I need to read - often.

 

Big and Small Steps:

  • Attended an ACA Al-Anon meeting this evening. It was nice to just sit and listen.

Noticings:

  • How nourishing libraries can be for me when I simply want a place to be. I love the quiet, the sounds, the excitement of little kids insisting on scanning their own books at the checkout station, the patience of parents who are teaching their children the value of this place.
  • How I still tend to overeat when I’m feeling some anxiety – perhaps especially when I’m not acknowledging the anxiety in order to deal with it in healthier ways.
  • How I still crave something sweet after dinner, even though I haven’t indulged in sugary desserts in a number of years. Interesting how eating patterns linger…
  • How serenity can linger and stay with me for some time after it arrives.

Day 95 (Thu/Mar 15): Seventeen days – Changing gears, a journey within the journey

15 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Job Talk, Transformation Tags: , , , , , , , ,

My day was transformed yesterday by the decision to remain judgment-free toward whatever I do or don’t do each day. Since it was a day off work and I had no appointments, I had the freedom to let my day unfold. After that wonderful beginning (i.e., the decision to do 18 days of affirmations only), I let go the plans I had been originally considering (like going to the post office and the library) and let myself be led from one task (or “non-task”) to another.

I had remembered an email a friend sent me a few weeks ago and decided to check it out. She had sent me a link to a website for non-profit organizations and philanthropic endeavors. (Foundation Center) She had suggested it to me because I can subscribe to receive notices of job announcements – which I have now done!

As I explored the site a bit, deciding which types of emails I might be interested in receiving, I found a job listing for an organization I’ve been considering contacting because I admire the work they’re doing. (Contacting them is in my “hope I can get up the nerve to do some informational interviewing here” virtual file. ;-)) I printed out the description, eager to see if I might be a good fit. The position is for an executive assistant. While I am a terrific administrative assistant, I’ve never pursued this level of administrative work.

After a bit of internal wrestling, I finally acknowledged and accepted two things. One is that I don’t really want a job that requires the level of energy this one would require to do well. It’s not that I don’t put a lot of energy into my work – I do. But I want to have energy left over at the end of the day for other things, including InterPlay, Al Anon, and a ministry site I’m developing with a friend of mine. Oh yeah. And a social life.

 The second thing I accepted is that I don’t really want a job that is so critically dependent upon my being there, as this one would be, that there would be no room for the occasional meeting or absence during the work day as my other interests expand. (This job sounds like they want not just a right arm for the director, but a left arm and one or two legs as well. Oy!)

Still, I may consider applying simply for the experience and the possible opportunity to connect with the organization. It really is the kind of place I would enjoy being – in another capacity.

There are a couple of other things I thought about. A couple of thank-you notes to write. A follow-up call to set up an interview at a place I’m uncertain I’d like to work. The interesting thing about the latter is that I had pulled out the message with the person’s name to call, thinking I might call her yesterday. Then I ended up completely forgetting about it as the day progressed. The interview practice would be good and I might even find something I’m interested in doing.

The thank-you notes are in that fuzzy, not-too-certain-if-it’s-the-appropriate-thing-to-do, it’s-kind-of-late-but-still-could-be-good category. It’s also uncharted territory for me. It’s job related, so it’s a little bit nervousness-producing. I’ll keep considering it.

All this is to say that I had lots of opportunities to practice letting go any judgments about what I did or did not get accomplished. Mostly, I’m appreciating how incredibly freeing it was to be intentional about not judging myself. I found that I had to keep reminding myself that there really was nothing that needed to be on a “should” do list for me. At the end of the day, what mattered most was that I felt good about myself, whatever I had or had not done.

No wonder it's all about small steps

The interesting result was that I actually took more steps toward finding work opportunities yesterday than I have in a long time, even though I didn’t have a specific intention to do so.  I’m curious to see what happens in the next two and a half weeks. 🙂

Big and Small Steps:

  • Found an interesting job possibility and printed out the description. I’m now registered on the site and will receive emails about other jobs (plus I can look on the site for more).
  • Filed some job-search related papers in my binder and typed up the “pitch” I had developed at the JVS workshop. It felt good to refresh my memory.
  • Updated my checkbook and know exactly how much is there. For the first time in years, I recently added back into the balance the minimum amount of $150 I was keeping as a cushion. (It has not served me well when I’m as broke as I’ve been in recent months.)

Noticings:

  • How my step workouts are actually a bit more difficult the way I’m doing them than the way I learned at the gym. (I tried the approach from the gym, which is more “balanced” in that it alternates feet throughout. Yet it’s more of a workout to do ten sets, for example, leading with one foot, then ten leading with the other.)
  • How freeing it feels to have given myself permission to affirm myself only in positive ways. I can let go the “shoulds” without guilt for the next seventeen days (or years?)! Whoo hoo!
  • How often I felt the tingle down my spine yesterday that tells me I’m following my heart.
  • How good it feels to actually know, to the penny, what’s in my checking account!
  • How totally fun it was to have taken the “No Dumping” picture this past weekend, with no idea how I’d use it, yet finding it perfect for yesterday’s post! 🙂
  • How jazzed I get working on my blog posts in the evenings, especially after such a breathtaking shift in direction yesterday. Gotta watch out if I want to get a full night’s sleep! (I didn’t. Oh well.)

Day 93 – Tue, Mar. 13th (93/273): Yesterday’s journey – letting go

13 Mar 2012 4 Comments

by Lucia in Change, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Tears sprang up quickly when I opened my journal to the page with these words on it: Now a word came stealing to me, my ear received the whisper of it. (Job 4:12 NRSV). I don’t know that I can articulate exactly what it was about this verse that moved me… Perhaps it’s the reminder that God is whispering to me and I am learning to hear what is being said more clearly, more often.

 I’m still on the precipice of fear, feeling as if things are about to change in a big way. Wanting it. Fearing it. Leaning towards it. Backing away. Stumbling in my uncertainty, like a little child crying because she needs something, but not yet knowing what that is or how to ask for it.

I wore my Bluetooth, with the cell phone ringer turned up, on the way home from the office yesterday, hoping for a call to return to the temp job, the call to lead me to more income for this  month. I shed some tears as the phone remained silent, feeling powerless, my hope for additional income this month seeming to fade away. My hopes of making progress in some small way around finances seemed to shrink with every silent mile toward home. Not actually toward “home,” but rather toward the place I am staying for now.

I felt a bit resistant last night, but still determined to spend a few minutes sorting papers. The lid from the 10-ream paper box, brought home from work, has made it more convenient to migrate my (unsorted) papers between my “desk” and my bed each morning and evening. It has also made it easier to ignore them.

Ten minutes. That’s been my intention for days now – to spend only/at least ten minutes a day attending to my growing pile of papers. I had pulled out my green, plastic file box, put it on the bed and found some information I needed earlier in the evening. Now it waited there, open and ready to receive.

There are so many empty hanging files in it, there’s little space for adding papers. There’s little order or space to organize, but I decided to do something anyway. I turned on another DVD episode of Murder, She Wrote on my computer and began picking through the top of the pile.

Church bulletins landed in one folder. Notes from and related to the Islam class in another. A (paid) bill joined the folder with my other receipts.

I didn’t push it. I didn’t deal with more than the simple, obvious categories. It’s the dozens of little slips of paper, the notes, the tidbits of information or of things I want to remember that create clutter within the pile. I skipped past those – for now.

 I ended up working on the task for twenty or thirty minutes, nibbling away slowly as I paid just enough attention to the show to be able to follow it. I didn’t notice how long I worked. I just noticed that I was getting a start and appreciated that I was making an effort despite my lack of enthusiasm. I enjoy doing this much more when there’s space to file and a clearer order to the file. But I’m not in my own space. I’m staying – graciously blessed – with family, and for this I am grateful. Very grateful.

There’s much to do, but I can do what I can with what I have. Most papers I kept. A few I threw away. The box is a tiny bit less full than it was.

I’m still on that precipice of fear. But reading my reflection from January last year, I’m reminded that even the tiny steps toward sorting my papers, like those few minutes last night, teach me a practice of letting go that can help me learn to let go in bigger ways, more significant ways.

I read something in the February Forum (Al Anon’s publication) last night that stayed with me. It was a short quote about letting God have the steering wheel and learning to enjoy the ride. I’d like to do the same, and enjoy the ride a little more often.

Noticings:

  • How clear it was that the site I checked (see below) was not where I needed to spend my energy at this moment.
  • How often I pray for my uncle, like when I heard him coughing early this morning, trying to clear the congestion from his lungs.

Action step(s):

  • Sorted papers for twenty or more minutes, keeping it light and easy.
  • Took a quick peek at the job listings on a local organizations website. (Nothing looked like a good fit or felt right.)
  • Put the different types of hot cereals in stacking containers to make it easier to vary what I have in the mornings. (The trouble for me and many of us is not so much what we eat as that we eat too much of the same things with little variation. I am particularly guilty of this and continue to look for ways to mix things up a bit.)
  • Did the core exercise this morning that I was doing regularly for weeks, though have done it seldom these last ten or so days as I began doing short stair workouts (which are also helpful, if less targeted, for core strengthening). This morning I did both.

Day 87 – Wed, Mar. 7th (87/279): Oy! Did I ever work this much before?!

07 Mar 2012 3 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Job Talk Tags: , , , , ,

I’m torn between wanting to write this and wanting to give my eyes a rest after being on the computer for eight solid hours at a temp job I started yesterday. I am so grateful for the coming income and simply the opportunity to have another, different work experience. Yet the work is mind-numbingly monotonous. It takes just enough thought that you have to pay a bit of attention, but it’s unbelievably repetitive.

Select cell. Copy. Alt-Tab. Enter number. Click search. Click refresh. Click on document. Click, click, click. Paste cell contents. Move to next cell. Repeat. 

They're all the same...yet not...

Oy! Make that “Ooooooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

It’s ironic how incredibly distressed I was Monday late afternoon when I finally learned the whereabouts for this job. It wasn’t the where that got me; it was the expectation of “business professional” attire.

I don’t own “business professional” attire. At least not if you’re speaking of the very professional attire, such as pumps, slacks, blazers and button-down blouses. Nope, nope, nope. The only thing on that list that I own are slacks – and probably only one of my three non-denim pants truly fit into the “slacks” category. (The pair I like the least, of course, because apparently “slacks” are not make of anything but human-made materials like polyester and rayon. BLECK!!!!)

However, on the UP side of all this… It turns out that the drive could be during somewhat heavy traffic, but the worse traffic is actually going the other direction. Whew! Plus, I discovered that I can not only leave early to avoid the busier traffic, I can start work earlier and leave earlier accordingly. Yay! 

Remember to play!

I also want to mention that the anxiety I felt about the dress code actually mellowed out within a couple of hours. It felt longer because I was truly freaking out before I calmed myself down and started thinking sanely again. Classic Al-Anon overreaction. I thought I was getting better. Actually I know I’m getting better. I just didn’t realize I wasn’t immune from those overreactions. Sigh… Step by step…

Back to my earlier point, I really would like to keep this short. My eyes and my right hand/wrist have been working hard all day long for the past two days. I was so wiped out yesterday, I was asleep by 8:30. Tonight I might do the same, but I’m glad to not be quite such a mush-brain.

The goofy thing is that most of my life I’ve worked 8:00-5:00, Monday through Friday. Although it’s been several years, you wouldn’t think it would be that hard to get back in the groove. And maybe it isn’t. Today was a tad easier than yesterday – although that was in part because we had some anomalies to help capture our attention. (When you’re doing literally hundreds of repetitive entries, anomalies border on excitement!) I’m curious to see what it might feel like to be working 8-hour days again. It’s been a long time. Although I am clear about one thing: I do not want to be a full-time data-entry person!

Before I started this, I received an email in response to a resumé I have posted on a job-hunting site. After doing considerable research, it turns out that the company contacting me is another staffing agency. (This was not the least bit obvious on their website.) I let them know some of my preferences, in terms of logistics and availability, and asked them to tell me about their application process. At the moment, I’m too tired to care (especially given the location and time-requirement of this particular, possibly-available position), but I realized I can always keep the options open.

I'm learning to bloom where I'm planted

  Now I’m going to enjoy having the house to myself and having a couple of hours before bedtime. Early to bed, early to rise may not make me healthy, wealthy, and wise, but it sure let’s me enjoy my favorite time of the day a little more easily. 🙂

Hmmm. So much for keeping it short…

 

 

Noticings:

  • How important it is to shift positions often while working in virtually the same position all day.
  • How lovely it is to have some stairs to walk up just to get the blood moving through my legs!

Action step(s):

  • Kept the option open to get setup with another staffing agency.

Day 82 – Fri, Mar. 2nd (82/284): It’s official – depression is depressing and sneaky

02 Mar 2012 4 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , ,

My goal at the beginning of the year (i.e., January 1st, rather than the beginning of “my” year, which began December 4th) was to write at least four posts a week. Up till this week, I had maintained that goal. Of the eight (Sun-Sat) weeks so far this year, not counting this one, I posted 4 times four weeks, 5 times three weeks and 6 times one week. This is only my second post this week and tomorrow is the end of the week.

Feeling the strength of a strong support...thinking of God

Yep, depression is sneaky. I started posts on Tuesday and Thursday, but couldn’t summon the energy to finish either one. Tuesday’s effort was so short, I’ll post it here:

“When I left work (i.e., my ‘regular’ job) today, I was not feeling very adventurous. I was feeling nervous, stressed and uncertain. I had received a call and accepted a temp job. It’s nine days (or a bit less if I’m fast enough, perhaps) and I can truly use the income. So, what gives?”

It began in my head on the way home from work, I “captured” my thoughts on the computer with plans to write more later, and it never happened. In fact, within a couple of hours, my thoughts had already moved on to other things and my energy was low. Tomorrow, I thought, I’ll finish up. Except I don’t seem to have so much as started a post on Wednesday.

Thursday, I got a little farther on a fresh post. I got 330 words written. It began like this:

“Ooh. Bumpy waters again. And the waters are coming in the form of unexpected tears of unknown origins. It’s one thing when I know what’s bringing up tears. It’s disconcerting and sometimes frustrating – as in I feel powerless to change it – when they seem to come out of nowhere…”

It “ended” like this: “Depression sneaking in again…”

Someone had said something this week to which I was inwardly overreacting. It seemed to consume much of my day and I was soon feeling depressed. I didn’t know how or where to release the feelings bottled up inside, so I held them in.

The cycle begins...

Depression is, for me, often subtle in the way it can creep up gradually before I even realize I’ve opened the door. I’ve heard that the repression of emotions, keeping our feelings bottled up inside, can lead to depression. Well, it was working. I was holding in my feelings of hurt and rejection and was soon feeling depressed both physically and emotionally. I was grateful to have a get together with a friend that evening.Before we met, I decided to do some “drawing” in my doodle-journal. I wanted to track the sequence of my thoughts and feelings during the day using pictures and words. (Are unsmiling smiley faces “drawings”?)

...and the cycle continues...

It was helpful to notice the  route my mind had taken: uncertainty –> fear –> more uncertainty and more fear –> attempts to control –> seeking affirmation (i.e., Tell me it’s going to be okay!) + a not-right-now-I’m-busy response –> feeling rejected –> two reactions: (1) feeling hurt –> holding it in / (2) feeling guilty –> feeling angry at myself –> feeling angry toward others –> holding it in ==> back to more uncertainty and more fear.

In sharing this with my friend, I don’t know that I exactly found the way to break the cycle but it definitely helped to not be holding all this in by myself.So much has been happening that I could write a few posts. I won’t hold my breath on completing two more before Sunday, but it feels good to at least get this one done.

I need a little help keeping my balance right now...

Noticings:

  • Holding my emotions in is not helpful – it takes me too quickly into feelings of depression.
  • Moving and talking help my body, mind and spirit to let go and release the energy that’s bogging me down.

Action step(s):

  • Paid several bills and already have them entered in my checkbook and my checkbook total updated. (As compared to having a few weeks worth to enter just a week ago…)
  • Invited a friend to join me in developing another blog/website. Doing so felt good and re-energized me!
  • Took about 200 pictures to start a library of pics I may use on my blog. (Aren’t digital cameras fabulous?)
  • Honored my need to slow down today and let go the feeling (translate: illusion) that I had to rush to and at work.
  • Worked more on my other website! (Now that felt good! I’d love to have many more hours of time and internet access to do this and look forward to when that happens.)
  • Received a call for a job interview (from an application last September!), told them I was, indeed, still looking for work, yet also honored my commitment to work Monday at my “regular” job and my commitment to a temp job from the 6th through the 16th. They said to call them when I’m done with the temp job. Not sure if this is the “right” opportunity, but it occurs to me that I can get some interviewing practice at the very least! Whoo hoo!

Day 78 – Monday, Feb. 27th (78/288): A reflection on building – and balancing – one step at a time…

27 Feb 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

This morning I read a verse about God needing to build the house, otherwise those who are building it are laboring in vain. Then I read another verse, about yeast permeating every part of the dough. Between the verses and my reflections with them more than a year ago, the pieces started coming together.

I liked the words in the first verse (Psalm 127:1), but I wasn’t seeing how they fit with my desire to seek employment. Busily searching for position announcements feels out-of-synch with letting God build the house. Then a verse about God doing it quickly when it’s time flashed to mind, followed by the verse that goes something like “though it seems slow, wait for it.” The push-pull again of wanting to take this journey slowly enough to hear what I need to hear, while feeling the pressure of the outer world of creditors and loan requirements. Breathe… Sigh…

The verse about the yeast and the dough (Matt. 13:33) struck a deep chord with the particular translation that reads, “Even though she put only a little yeast in the three measures of flour, it permeated every part of the dough” (NLT). The reminder raised tears of gratitude, as I remembered that what I’m learning permeates all the areas of my life, eventually changing the way I respond to the world.

Sometimes the steps I’m taking seem so small, it feels like I’m getting nowhere or that I’m inching along too slowly to get where I need to go. I went back and reread the verse from Psalm 127, about God building the house. I realized that I let God do the building anytime – and every time – I stop to ask for guidance or hold in my awareness my intention to follow the path I believe God has for me. Progress, not perfection…

As for the seeming slowness of my journey, it helps to remember that these seemingly small steps add up and make a big difference over time. After an InterPlay retreat Saturday, I’m noticing again how what began as a spontaneous practice of playing with balance, by standing on one leg and seeing how well I could hold it while moving other limbs, turned out to be a gift of building strength in my legs and my body. I started playing with balancing on one leg at a time as a metaphor for playing with balance in my life. When I discovered that I could easily rise from a squat to a stand using only my legs (i.e., no flapping arms or bending forward), I wondered when I had gained the strength in my legs. It gradually dawned on me that it was the playful balancing on one leg that had built up my leg-strength little by little.

Similarly, I suspect, the seemingly small steps I’m taking in this journey of breaking through my fears may be doing far more than I realize. With each bit of confidence I gain, each experience of practicing social or networking skills, each moment I pause to consider how to respond to a particular circumstance, I am learning and I am strengthening my “core” in ways that make it increasingly easy to make healthier choices for myself.

Noticings:

  • How healing it was to tell some of the story and to dance on behalf of my aunt in the day between her burial and her memorial service.
  • How often I like to stand when I’m at home – often at the kitchen counter, doing a puzzle or simply visiting with my (other) aunt while she works in the kitchen. I suspect the standing is my body’s way of balancing the all-day-sitting work I do.

Action step(s):

  • Updated and balanced my checkbook. (I’d really like to pay closer attention this coming month and not be surprised by the bank.)
  • Gave myself permission to take things slowly when I felt a bit depressed, which actually led to my getting some things done, like my checkbook balancing.
  • Kept focused on getting ready for work this morning, attempting to “be here now” (as compared to many mornings when my mind is busily writing blog posts or making other plans).

Day 76 – Saturday, Feb. 25th (76/290): Noticing the depression, the peace, the bursts of energy and more

25 Feb 2012 2 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , ,

Yesterday became a surprisingly peaceful day. After getting to the office and taking the time to write my last post, I soon found myself going through the tasks on my desk without any sense of urgency or need to hurry. I simply kept attending to one thing after the other, beginning with being able to post data on my colleague’s computer without having to rush, since she wouldn’t be in for a few hours.

The odd thing was that I ended up working much longer than I had planned, not out of any compulsion to stay or sense of obligation, but because I was simply enjoying the freedom to be here and to work as long as I wanted. I got caught up in catching up on a particular type of correspondence, which helped me to work my way through some incomplete tasks that were filling up my folders. It felt good to clear them out one by one.

Working in a part-time job with far too much to do in far too little time often presents the challenge of picking and choosing which tasks garner my attention at any given moment. Perhaps that’s why yesterday was so nice. There were several people in the office, which doesn’t happen all the time. The atmosphere was quietly productive in a serene, sometimes playful sort of way. And the truth is, I was enjoying being around people, even if we weren’t often in conversation.

These past eight days have been a strange mix of depression and loneliness, peace and connection, small bursts of energy and sudden “who turned off the lights?!” moments of fatigue. I appreciated reading that Lent is a time of slowing down. I can use some slowing down right now, even as I sometimes feel the need to shift gears into more action. It gives me permission to attend to the inner journey even more closely.

When that happens, I find I’m able to notice things I might otherwise rush past. For instance I noticed I was able to respond differently to a call from the staffing agency. When they called to see if might be interested in another temp position that is farther away than I would like and would require a commute through a particularly congested stretch of freeway, rather than hesitate and send out the signal that I wasn’t interested, I said, “Tell me more.” That simple act gave me a few moments to adjust to the idea that even though this is far from what I would consider an ideal location, I want to be open to what might be there and, certainly, to the much-needed income. I never know when I might encounter unexpected blessings, like those that came through my last temp job.

Perhaps it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you, being able to say, “Tell me more.” Yet for me, it was a new and helpful way for me to respond when my kneejerk reaction was to inwardly groan at the prospect of that particular location. It’s moments like these, when I’m able to respond in a different, healthier way that I appreciate this journey of introspection and moving slowly.

Noticings:

  • How nice it was to choose to relax and stay at work yesterday until I felt ready to leave.
  • That it was a good decision to stay home this weekend, as much as I would have liked to have said good-bye to my aunt with my cousins and siblings.
  • How good it feels to be able to dance and move and “babble” today.
  • How much I’ve enjoyed having pictures in my post and wondering where to find more.

A word about “noticings”: Noticing is something we do a lot of in InterPlay. It’s not about making judgments or trying to make meaning or sense of whatever we’re noticing. It’s simply observing what it is and letting that inform our experience in whatever ways it does.

Action step(s):

  • Attending a Day of Deepening at InterPlay, giving my body and my spirit a space to play, to move and to be in community.
  • Saying ‘yes’ to the possible temp job despite the location and schedule because I want to be open to possibilities, rather than closing them off.

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