Having the Courage to Change

My goal at the beginning of the year (i.e., January 1st, rather than the beginning of “my” year, which began December 4th) was to write at least four posts a week. Up till this week, I had maintained that goal. Of the eight (Sun-Sat) weeks so far this year, not counting this one, I posted 4 times four weeks, 5 times three weeks and 6 times one week. This is only my second post this week and tomorrow is the end of the week.

Feeling the strength of a strong support...thinking of God

Yep, depression is sneaky. I started posts on Tuesday and Thursday, but couldn’t summon the energy to finish either one. Tuesday’s effort was so short, I’ll post it here:

“When I left work (i.e., my ‘regular’ job) today, I was not feeling very adventurous. I was feeling nervous, stressed and uncertain. I had received a call and accepted a temp job. It’s nine days (or a bit less if I’m fast enough, perhaps) and I can truly use the income. So, what gives?”

It began in my head on the way home from work, I “captured” my thoughts on the computer with plans to write more later, and it never happened. In fact, within a couple of hours, my thoughts had already moved on to other things and my energy was low. Tomorrow, I thought, I’ll finish up. Except I don’t seem to have so much as started a post on Wednesday.

Thursday, I got a little farther on a fresh post. I got 330 words written. It began like this:

“Ooh. Bumpy waters again. And the waters are coming in the form of unexpected tears of unknown origins. It’s one thing when I know what’s bringing up tears. It’s disconcerting and sometimes frustrating – as in I feel powerless to change it – when they seem to come out of nowhere…”

It “ended” like this: “Depression sneaking in again…”

Someone had said something this week to which I was inwardly overreacting. It seemed to consume much of my day and I was soon feeling depressed. I didn’t know how or where to release the feelings bottled up inside, so I held them in.

The cycle begins...

Depression is, for me, often subtle in the way it can creep up gradually before I even realize I’ve opened the door. I’ve heard that the repression of emotions, keeping our feelings bottled up inside, can lead to depression. Well, it was working. I was holding in my feelings of hurt and rejection and was soon feeling depressed both physically and emotionally. I was grateful to have a get together with a friend that evening.Before we met, I decided to do some “drawing” in my doodle-journal. I wanted to track the sequence of my thoughts and feelings during the day using pictures and words. (Are unsmiling smiley faces “drawings”?)

...and the cycle continues...

It was helpful to notice the  route my mind had taken: uncertainty –> fear –> more uncertainty and more fear –> attempts to control –> seeking affirmation (i.e., Tell me it’s going to be okay!) + a not-right-now-I’m-busy response –> feeling rejected –> two reactions: (1) feeling hurt –> holding it in / (2) feeling guilty –> feeling angry at myself –> feeling angry toward others –> holding it in ==> back to more uncertainty and more fear.

In sharing this with my friend, I don’t know that I exactly found the way to break the cycle but it definitely helped to not be holding all this in by myself.So much has been happening that I could write a few posts. I won’t hold my breath on completing two more before Sunday, but it feels good to at least get this one done.

I need a little help keeping my balance right now...

Noticings:

• Holding my emotions in is not helpful – it takes me too quickly into feelings of depression.
• Moving and talking help my body, mind and spirit to let go and release the energy that’s bogging me down.

Action step(s):

• Paid several bills and already have them entered in my checkbook and my checkbook total updated. (As compared to having a few weeks worth to enter just a week ago…)
• Invited a friend to join me in developing another blog/website. Doing so felt good and re-energized me!
• Took about 200 pictures to start a library of pics I may use on my blog. (Aren’t digital cameras fabulous?)
• Honored my need to slow down today and let go the feeling (translate: illusion) that I had to rush to and at work.
• Worked more on my other website! (Now that felt good! I’d love to have many more hours of time and internet access to do this and look forward to when that happens.)
• Received a call for a job interview (from an application last September!), told them I was, indeed, still looking for work, yet also honored my commitment to work Monday at my “regular” job and my commitment to a temp job from the 6th through the 16th. They said to call them when I’m done with the temp job. Not sure if this is the “right” opportunity, but it occurs to me that I can get some interviewing practice at the very least! Whoo hoo!