Day 101 (Wed/Mar 21): Eleven days – Adventure is a state of mind, a journey within the journey

21 Mar 2012 4 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Life Practice Program group

I am so grateful that I went to InterPlay last night. Even though I was half an hour late to class, I connected seamlessly with the group and had a wonderful time. There was a remarkable young woman there with whom I connected. She and I had a lot of interests and experiences in common. It’s quite remarkable! And so typical of my InterPlay experiences – especially when I listen to those gentle nudges to be there for a particular class or event.

Today I found myself wrestling again with the uncertainty and challenge of my changing schedule. It finally dawned on me that I was starting to get frustrated with myself that I couldn’t figure out how to find more ease, more balance in juggling the temp job with my need and desire to be at my regular, part-time job. Today I worked half a day at each place. When I noticed myself struggling, I had to remind myself to let go even the struggle.

This morning, I had reflected on a verse that begins: Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. (Isaiah 43:18 NIV) I thought of all those embodied memories that are not so easy to forget. I don’t know about you, but mine tend to spring up whenever something rekindles them, sometimes unexpectedly, often unannounced.

It helps – a lot – to know that our bodies have their own memories. When I start to feel panicky, I can pause to consider what previous experience might have been triggered. Like right now, for instance. My body is filled with nervous anxiety after taking a call from one of my credit card companies. I so much want to be able to catch up on my payments before they have to “charge off” my accounts (i.e., send them to a collection agency), but I cannot give them and will not promise them money I do not have or expect to have. And talking about the anxiety seems to be making it worse! Augh!!

Much needed reminders...

The embodied reaction I’m having stems from an experience of crashing and burning financially more than twenty years ago. But the experience was so intense it became ingrained in my body. Having similar conversations about bills I can’t pay brings back those body memories.

Gosh this is fun… Not! It is time to release this into God’s capable hands because there’s very little I can do about it at the moment. (I sure am getting lots of opportunities to practice release. Hmmm.)

Generally, when I uncover the reason I’m overreacting to a particular situation, such as realizing that it’s triggering the body memories of former experiences, it does much to relieve the anxiety or at least to help me understand it. At this particular moment, I’ve only gotten as far as understanding it. 😉

There’s something I’ve heard often at Al Anon meetings: HALT. It means what it looks like – to stop, to pause, to cease whatever we’re doing. But the word is used as an acronym to remind us that whenever we feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, it is notthe time to make decisions or sometimes even to open our mouths and say anything. I know I’m tired this evening and I’m angry at the moment – frustrated by my inability to catch up my credit card bills when I wanted so badly to meet my responsibilities. So, for the moment, I won’t make any decisions about what to do.

Drawing how I feel lifts my spirits

It occurs to me that this is also an opportunity to let go the escalating tendency to berate myself for past failures and recent poor choices in how I’ve managed my finances. I’m glad I’m on this journey within the journey. I may have to work at it, but my goal is to focus on what I am doing that’s positive and helpful and to let go the rest. That reminds me…

A year ago, I reflected on the word “adventure” and how some people are able to see all the challenges and new things in life as adventures. There are some things that feel and sound like adventures to me, but this isn’t quite what I had in mind. It’s one of the things that feels more scary than adventurous.

A year ago, I was still regaining energy after my thyroid surgery and “adventure” sounded like something that requires a great deal more energy than I had at that moment. As I reflected in my journal about things I was eager to do, I wrote: “I’m just not sure I want to use that precise word [i.e., “adventure”] just yet. But I’d like to want to use it.”

That’s how I feel now. I’d like to think of my experiences and challenges as adventures. I’d like to see my financial situation as a challenge I’m eager to overcome. I’d like to have the mental, emotional and physical energy to tackle the whole networking/job-search experience with gusto. I’d like to look forward to new experiences with eager anticipation. I’d like to feel excitement more often than anxiety, to laugh more often than cry.

Most of all, I’d like to take joy in the unexpected because I am utterly certain it is God’s work at hand and that the results will be wonderful.

The blossoming of joy

Big and Small Steps:

  • Giving myself permission to turn off my phone for the rest of the evening.
  • Continuing to let go when things take longer than I expect.

Noticings:

  • How much I enjoy the way I learned to appreciate subtle patterns and differences in all sorts of creatures as a result of my first husband’s interest in snakes. I noticed this while I was watching some not-so-ordinary, beautiful little birds outside our window and appreciating the delicate markings that make them unique.
  • How much of a physical sensation anxiety can be.
  • How truly grateful I am for my time at InterPlay last night. My entire body-spirit was profoundly happy to be there!

Day 96 (Fri/Mar 16): Sixteen days – Getting out of God’s way, a journey within the journey

16 Mar 2012 1 Comment

by Lucia in Change, Faith Walk, Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

I was stunned at the turn of events this morning – especially when I considered the last few days.

I found myself still wrestling with being powerless to effect any change in my job status. Still enjoying my part-time job; still hoping for more work. It was a joy to receive my paycheck yesterday; a challenge to realize how little it will take before it will be gone, since my printer’s almost out of toner.

A conversation with a friend yesterday reminded me of how much harder I make it for myself. I hold onto something, trying to change it, powerless to do so. I give it to God. Then I take it back. I realize what I’ve done and give it back to God. I forget and start chewing on it again. Back and forth. Back and forth. She reminded me that God loves me enough to give me the freedom to hold on, even while hoping I’ll let it go. It was fun to be able to laugh about how foolish we can be.

This morning I received a call from the staffing agency: “We’re sorry for the short notice, but would you be able to come into work today?”

Would I! Within an hour, I was back at the place I worked last week, slightly nervous, yet eager to work, grateful to be called back and grateful to be earning more money for this week.

 What’s truly amazing, though, is the context surrounding this blessing.

Since today, Friday, was going to be a day off, I hadn’t set my alarm. I relaxed last night and slept well. I woke up before 5:00, right about my usual time. I awakened slowly, enjoying the time to stretch, talk to God, and consider my plans for the day. Mostly I had no idea what I’d end up doing. I got up and began my normal morning routine of showering, fixing breakfast, then doing my reflection journal time. When I was done, I was considering writing the thank-you note I kept not quite getting to all week long. It was to have been to the people at the place I worked last week. No need for it now! (Or yet.)

At my ‘desk’ I noticed I barely missed a call from one of my credit card companies (the phone was still off). Then I noticed the battery could use a bit of freshening. I had just plugged it into the charger when I saw the call from the staffing agency coming in. The ringer was still off and I was fixing to text a message to a friend. Wow! Talk about timing!

In short, everything around my being able to work today (and at least Monday next week) was God’s timing:

  • Friday was a day off, though I often work on Fridays – I was available.
  • I was up early and had already showered and eaten breakfast when the call came – I was virtually ready. (Just had to change clothes and pack a lunch.)
  • I caught the call while the ringer was still off because I was holding it in my hands. A miracle!
  • I had postponed calling to set up the interview for another job – an interview I would probably have had to cancel to be available to work.
  • I kept postponing writing the thank-you note – and now it’s not needed.
  • I needed a little extra money to take care of printer toner and a couple of other things – and God has provided.
  • I had just yesterday succeeded in letting go any expectations around if and when I might get “recalled” by this company – and… Well, you know the rest!

Right now, I am feeling so grateful for the amazing gift of God’s timing when I get out of the way!

Big and Small Steps:

  • Took a few minutes to do some much-needed stretches this morning. My body sure appreciates it!
  • Let go of the desire to polish this post as much as usual, since I’m starting to fade and I haven’t even got this online yet.

Noticings:

  • How easily things happen when I let go and remember to leave God in charge.
  • How nervous and excited I was this morning, even though I was returning to somewhat familiar territory.
  • How much I enjoy the InterPlay CD I’ve been listening to this past week. I realized I can “play” along with the artists on the CD!
  • How often I forget to do some planned tasks, only to discover they weren’t meant to happen.
  • How eager I am to get to sleep!

Note: If you want an audio InterPlay experience, I highly recommend the CD Like Breathing (available with the book What the Body Wants or separately). It is filled with beautiful, delightful and even wildly fun tracks!

Day 93 – Tue, Mar. 13th (93/273): Yesterday’s journey – letting go

13 Mar 2012 4 Comments

by Lucia in Change, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Tears sprang up quickly when I opened my journal to the page with these words on it: Now a word came stealing to me, my ear received the whisper of it. (Job 4:12 NRSV). I don’t know that I can articulate exactly what it was about this verse that moved me… Perhaps it’s the reminder that God is whispering to me and I am learning to hear what is being said more clearly, more often.

 I’m still on the precipice of fear, feeling as if things are about to change in a big way. Wanting it. Fearing it. Leaning towards it. Backing away. Stumbling in my uncertainty, like a little child crying because she needs something, but not yet knowing what that is or how to ask for it.

I wore my Bluetooth, with the cell phone ringer turned up, on the way home from the office yesterday, hoping for a call to return to the temp job, the call to lead me to more income for this  month. I shed some tears as the phone remained silent, feeling powerless, my hope for additional income this month seeming to fade away. My hopes of making progress in some small way around finances seemed to shrink with every silent mile toward home. Not actually toward “home,” but rather toward the place I am staying for now.

I felt a bit resistant last night, but still determined to spend a few minutes sorting papers. The lid from the 10-ream paper box, brought home from work, has made it more convenient to migrate my (unsorted) papers between my “desk” and my bed each morning and evening. It has also made it easier to ignore them.

Ten minutes. That’s been my intention for days now – to spend only/at least ten minutes a day attending to my growing pile of papers. I had pulled out my green, plastic file box, put it on the bed and found some information I needed earlier in the evening. Now it waited there, open and ready to receive.

There are so many empty hanging files in it, there’s little space for adding papers. There’s little order or space to organize, but I decided to do something anyway. I turned on another DVD episode of Murder, She Wrote on my computer and began picking through the top of the pile.

Church bulletins landed in one folder. Notes from and related to the Islam class in another. A (paid) bill joined the folder with my other receipts.

I didn’t push it. I didn’t deal with more than the simple, obvious categories. It’s the dozens of little slips of paper, the notes, the tidbits of information or of things I want to remember that create clutter within the pile. I skipped past those – for now.

 I ended up working on the task for twenty or thirty minutes, nibbling away slowly as I paid just enough attention to the show to be able to follow it. I didn’t notice how long I worked. I just noticed that I was getting a start and appreciated that I was making an effort despite my lack of enthusiasm. I enjoy doing this much more when there’s space to file and a clearer order to the file. But I’m not in my own space. I’m staying – graciously blessed – with family, and for this I am grateful. Very grateful.

There’s much to do, but I can do what I can with what I have. Most papers I kept. A few I threw away. The box is a tiny bit less full than it was.

I’m still on that precipice of fear. But reading my reflection from January last year, I’m reminded that even the tiny steps toward sorting my papers, like those few minutes last night, teach me a practice of letting go that can help me learn to let go in bigger ways, more significant ways.

I read something in the February Forum (Al Anon’s publication) last night that stayed with me. It was a short quote about letting God have the steering wheel and learning to enjoy the ride. I’d like to do the same, and enjoy the ride a little more often.

Noticings:

  • How clear it was that the site I checked (see below) was not where I needed to spend my energy at this moment.
  • How often I pray for my uncle, like when I heard him coughing early this morning, trying to clear the congestion from his lungs.

Action step(s):

  • Sorted papers for twenty or more minutes, keeping it light and easy.
  • Took a quick peek at the job listings on a local organizations website. (Nothing looked like a good fit or felt right.)
  • Put the different types of hot cereals in stacking containers to make it easier to vary what I have in the mornings. (The trouble for me and many of us is not so much what we eat as that we eat too much of the same things with little variation. I am particularly guilty of this and continue to look for ways to mix things up a bit.)
  • Did the core exercise this morning that I was doing regularly for weeks, though have done it seldom these last ten or so days as I began doing short stair workouts (which are also helpful, if less targeted, for core strengthening). This morning I did both.

Day 91 – Sun (PM), Mar. 11th (91/275): Holding onto hope

11 Mar 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Faith Walk, Job Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

It’s interesting to notice how quickly moods shift and elation can become deflation. It’s not so much that I was specifically “elated” earlier, but one phone call from a creditor was all it took to open the door to feeling depressed again.

I’ve been observing these transitions, noticing more specifically the train of thoughts. Much like my experience a week or two ago, there seems to be a pattern to it that is rather similar. I’d like to examine it here and see what comes up. Perhaps you’ll have a perspective to share to help me see this in a different light.

Need I say more?

For the moment – and I’m grateful for my confidence that this is for the moment and not for the long-haul – I feel depressed. Before the phone call even ended, I was feeling defeated, shot down in my buoying hopefulness around expanding work possibilities (i.e., expanding income). The representative called to inform me of the status of my card – as if I didn’t know this already. Really, they are calling to inform me of their status in relation to my debt: how much longer they can work with me, how close they are to “charging off” the debt (i.e., sending it to a collection agency), and don’t I want to speak to their in-house credit counselors? (I would gladly speak to their in-house counselors if they would be willing to accept the tiny payments I can manage now until those payments grow larger.)

Today’s call revealed that the debt is still big and growing (not news) and that the charge-off date for one card is the end of this month and the charge off date for the other card is the end of next month. They don’t need a lot of money; about $238 per month would pay off both these cards within their allotted time (at zero percent interest). It’s just that I have not yet had that much extra money per month and, quite frankly, would rather have it help me get into my own place that turn it over to them. Actually, I’d rather be able to do both. I truly would like to catch up on my credit cards. It’s just that, for the moment, mundane things like food and gas and other randomly necessary expenses are a higher priority for me.

So, back to the present challenge: the depression that threatens to swamp me if I hold these feelings in…

My colorful pens, my trusty journal

What I noticed, as I got off the phone feeling increasingly depressed, is that I am feeling angry. I’m angry at them for not being willing to let me do what I can until I can do more, regardless of how long it takes. I’m angry at them for calling and shooting down my excitement over being able to make at least one, if not more, “extra” payments this month. Mostly though, I’m angry at myself for feeling powerless to change this as quickly as both of us want.

I feel like I’m lying when I tell them I have no other resources from which to draw. I have one tiny IRA. If I cashed it out, I could partially catch up one payment. I’m not willing to do that. (Duh!) I might have an income tax refund coming. I’ll know more in a week or so. But I’m not willing to hand that over either. However big or small it is, I have here-and-now needs that take precedence over past due credit card bills.

I feel angry at myself that I’m still, obviously, paralyzed enough by my fears to not have more actively done something to generate more income. It would be one thing if I was submitting applications right and left. At least I could say that I’m trying. But doing all this inner work, no matter how important, still leaves me feeling like a liar and a failure when I tell my credit card company I’m trying to expand my income. The truth is I dowant to expand my income; I even want to expand my work hours. I just feel inept and overwhelmed, still, about how to go about it more effectively.

Gathering words of encouragement

It’s all well and good to talk about small steps and the progress I’m making. I doappreciate that. Truly. It’s quite another thing to have a creditor breathing down my neck and not be able to say, “Hey, I’m going to be able to catch up my payment in x weeks (or months). Can you hang in there just a little bit longer??”

Just for tonight, or perhaps this moment, I’m feeling angry, frustrated and powerless. I feel deflated and defeated. This is why my morning reflection journaling time is so important to me, as is reading books like Al Anon’s Courage to Change and Catherine Ponder’s Open Your Mind to Receive.  It’s much like pouring clear water into a class of long-dried mud. It takes time – and lots of water – to loosen the old patterns of thinking and clear the way for the new. It’s amazing just how many repetitions of certain words and concepts it takes for the encouragement to build and build until the depression or defeat doesn’t stand a chance of survival. Fortunately, I have a lot of reps of that variety ‘under my belt,’ so I know I will feel better when I start my day tomorrow.

Two wonderful verses come to mind right now. I think I’ll hold onto them this evening and use them for my reflection in the morning.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Ps 30:5 NKJV)

Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning, For in You do I trust; Cause me to know the way in which I should walk, For I lift up my soul to You.(Ps 143:8 NKJV)

A favorite book, my journal, a reminder

Day 87 – Wed, Mar. 7th (87/279): Oy! Did I ever work this much before?!

07 Mar 2012 3 Comments

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Job Talk Tags: , , , , ,

I’m torn between wanting to write this and wanting to give my eyes a rest after being on the computer for eight solid hours at a temp job I started yesterday. I am so grateful for the coming income and simply the opportunity to have another, different work experience. Yet the work is mind-numbingly monotonous. It takes just enough thought that you have to pay a bit of attention, but it’s unbelievably repetitive.

Select cell. Copy. Alt-Tab. Enter number. Click search. Click refresh. Click on document. Click, click, click. Paste cell contents. Move to next cell. Repeat. 

They're all the same...yet not...

Oy! Make that “Ooooooooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”

It’s ironic how incredibly distressed I was Monday late afternoon when I finally learned the whereabouts for this job. It wasn’t the where that got me; it was the expectation of “business professional” attire.

I don’t own “business professional” attire. At least not if you’re speaking of the very professional attire, such as pumps, slacks, blazers and button-down blouses. Nope, nope, nope. The only thing on that list that I own are slacks – and probably only one of my three non-denim pants truly fit into the “slacks” category. (The pair I like the least, of course, because apparently “slacks” are not make of anything but human-made materials like polyester and rayon. BLECK!!!!)

However, on the UP side of all this… It turns out that the drive could be during somewhat heavy traffic, but the worse traffic is actually going the other direction. Whew! Plus, I discovered that I can not only leave early to avoid the busier traffic, I can start work earlier and leave earlier accordingly. Yay! 

Remember to play!

I also want to mention that the anxiety I felt about the dress code actually mellowed out within a couple of hours. It felt longer because I was truly freaking out before I calmed myself down and started thinking sanely again. Classic Al-Anon overreaction. I thought I was getting better. Actually I know I’m getting better. I just didn’t realize I wasn’t immune from those overreactions. Sigh… Step by step…

Back to my earlier point, I really would like to keep this short. My eyes and my right hand/wrist have been working hard all day long for the past two days. I was so wiped out yesterday, I was asleep by 8:30. Tonight I might do the same, but I’m glad to not be quite such a mush-brain.

The goofy thing is that most of my life I’ve worked 8:00-5:00, Monday through Friday. Although it’s been several years, you wouldn’t think it would be that hard to get back in the groove. And maybe it isn’t. Today was a tad easier than yesterday – although that was in part because we had some anomalies to help capture our attention. (When you’re doing literally hundreds of repetitive entries, anomalies border on excitement!) I’m curious to see what it might feel like to be working 8-hour days again. It’s been a long time. Although I am clear about one thing: I do not want to be a full-time data-entry person!

Before I started this, I received an email in response to a resumé I have posted on a job-hunting site. After doing considerable research, it turns out that the company contacting me is another staffing agency. (This was not the least bit obvious on their website.) I let them know some of my preferences, in terms of logistics and availability, and asked them to tell me about their application process. At the moment, I’m too tired to care (especially given the location and time-requirement of this particular, possibly-available position), but I realized I can always keep the options open.

I'm learning to bloom where I'm planted

  Now I’m going to enjoy having the house to myself and having a couple of hours before bedtime. Early to bed, early to rise may not make me healthy, wealthy, and wise, but it sure let’s me enjoy my favorite time of the day a little more easily. 🙂

Hmmm. So much for keeping it short…

 

 

Noticings:

  • How important it is to shift positions often while working in virtually the same position all day.
  • How lovely it is to have some stairs to walk up just to get the blood moving through my legs!

Action step(s):

  • Kept the option open to get setup with another staffing agency.

Day 78 – Monday, Feb. 27th (78/288): A reflection on building – and balancing – one step at a time…

27 Feb 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

This morning I read a verse about God needing to build the house, otherwise those who are building it are laboring in vain. Then I read another verse, about yeast permeating every part of the dough. Between the verses and my reflections with them more than a year ago, the pieces started coming together.

I liked the words in the first verse (Psalm 127:1), but I wasn’t seeing how they fit with my desire to seek employment. Busily searching for position announcements feels out-of-synch with letting God build the house. Then a verse about God doing it quickly when it’s time flashed to mind, followed by the verse that goes something like “though it seems slow, wait for it.” The push-pull again of wanting to take this journey slowly enough to hear what I need to hear, while feeling the pressure of the outer world of creditors and loan requirements. Breathe… Sigh…

The verse about the yeast and the dough (Matt. 13:33) struck a deep chord with the particular translation that reads, “Even though she put only a little yeast in the three measures of flour, it permeated every part of the dough” (NLT). The reminder raised tears of gratitude, as I remembered that what I’m learning permeates all the areas of my life, eventually changing the way I respond to the world.

Sometimes the steps I’m taking seem so small, it feels like I’m getting nowhere or that I’m inching along too slowly to get where I need to go. I went back and reread the verse from Psalm 127, about God building the house. I realized that I let God do the building anytime – and every time – I stop to ask for guidance or hold in my awareness my intention to follow the path I believe God has for me. Progress, not perfection…

As for the seeming slowness of my journey, it helps to remember that these seemingly small steps add up and make a big difference over time. After an InterPlay retreat Saturday, I’m noticing again how what began as a spontaneous practice of playing with balance, by standing on one leg and seeing how well I could hold it while moving other limbs, turned out to be a gift of building strength in my legs and my body. I started playing with balancing on one leg at a time as a metaphor for playing with balance in my life. When I discovered that I could easily rise from a squat to a stand using only my legs (i.e., no flapping arms or bending forward), I wondered when I had gained the strength in my legs. It gradually dawned on me that it was the playful balancing on one leg that had built up my leg-strength little by little.

Similarly, I suspect, the seemingly small steps I’m taking in this journey of breaking through my fears may be doing far more than I realize. With each bit of confidence I gain, each experience of practicing social or networking skills, each moment I pause to consider how to respond to a particular circumstance, I am learning and I am strengthening my “core” in ways that make it increasingly easy to make healthier choices for myself.

Noticings:

  • How healing it was to tell some of the story and to dance on behalf of my aunt in the day between her burial and her memorial service.
  • How often I like to stand when I’m at home – often at the kitchen counter, doing a puzzle or simply visiting with my (other) aunt while she works in the kitchen. I suspect the standing is my body’s way of balancing the all-day-sitting work I do.

Action step(s):

  • Updated and balanced my checkbook. (I’d really like to pay closer attention this coming month and not be surprised by the bank.)
  • Gave myself permission to take things slowly when I felt a bit depressed, which actually led to my getting some things done, like my checkbook balancing.
  • Kept focused on getting ready for work this morning, attempting to “be here now” (as compared to many mornings when my mind is busily writing blog posts or making other plans).

Day 67 – Thursday, Feb. 16th (67/299): Leaving the rest to God

16 Feb 2012 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Faith Walk, Job Talk, Money Walk Tags: , , , , ,

This week has been a time of changes, blessings, disappointments, gifts… I’ve noticed some things as I continue to reflect on this journey.

A year ago, shortly before Christmas, I found myself wanting to focus on the twelve Days of Christmas. It wasn’t so much what I planned to do as the fact that I had a place to direct my focus. What I noticed, as I turned my attention toward attending to those twelve days – which is something I’d never done before (I don’t think singing the song counts ;-)) – was that my Christmas suddenly didn’t feel quite so empty or lonely even though I was just as alone as I had been before. In fact, in some ways, I was more alone than in previous years.

I recognized in this something I’ve been experiencing recently. As my attention has become consumed with financial issues, I have seemingly lost interest in other concerns, such as the desire for love and romance that used to be on my mind virtually all the time. I’m increasingly interested in attending to my own self-care and, with that, being able to let go the things I’ve never been able to control but have nonetheless clung to as though I could control them.

Yet even this awareness doesn’t stop the tears when they well up, triggered by something I’ve read, something I’ve watched on TV or a DVD, something that reminds me that the road is still rough, hard, a long way from where I want to be. This afternoon I learned that the longer-term temp job didn’t come through. Disappointment seeps in amidst the gratitude for the extra twenty hours of income this week and I didn’t realized how much so until something on TV raised tears when it wasn’t especially sad.

Yet there have been blessings this week as well. The possibility of additional paychecks coming at regular weekly intervals got me to thinking about how to more wisely use the income. In recent years, I’ve often quickly spent any monies that came to me, as if to spend it quickly was the only way to enjoy it. This week, I came to realize that each paycheck would and could only be a small piece of the resources I would need to be able to get back on my feet and move forward.

I began planning – loosely, lightly, carefully. Tithe first. Pay a little on my credit cards. Put aside a little toward rent or a rent deposit. See if I might buy a piece of clothing here or there to expand my “professional” wardrobe. (Most of what I have is in the jeans and T-tops arena.) Remembering my plan from a little over a year ago when I got my new cell phone, to purchase one ringtone a month (which I’ve actually not done), helped me to realize that all these things can happen in small steps.

As unremarkable as it may seem to actually think about and plan financially, it is nonetheless a remarkable experience for me. It is virtually uncharted territory for this long-time instant-gratification addict. I suspect it took a kind of “hitting bottom” for me, where I ran out of available resources to discover and discovered that I can do without this or that, at least for a time.

I was also unexpectedly blessed in the temp job I had when part of the job involved looking at photos of condos and apartments and homes. My work involved uploading photos for “profiles” of places for rent. There was something about seeing so many beautiful homes that opened the door for me to begin dreaming. In fact, it opened the door to dreams bigger than I’ve ever truly had. For the first time that I can remember, I could actually see myself being able to someday afford one of those homes. They weren’t places for the very rich; they were simply nice places that people with good, solid incomes can afford. For too long, I have let my limited resources determine the size of my dreams and the past two-days have expanded those dreams in an unexpected and wonderful way.

Okay, it’s late now (for me), so I’ll close by saying that I’m appreciating all that’s happened this week. The ups, the downs, the changing tides of what I would and wouldn’t be doing for the next few weeks. As I was reminded to do in a reading from Courage to Change, I’ll attend to my responsibilities and leave the rest to God.

Actions step(s):

  • Listened to my body’s needs and got a long, full night’s sleep Tuesday night (9 hours!).
  • Did my best at my temp job (and was affirmed by my boss, who may call me again to work there if I’m available).
  • Called the temp agency to check in, rather than waiting to see if the other job was available. So much better than dangling in the unknown.

Day 61 – Friday, Feb. 10th (61/305): We were not given a spirit of fear

10 Feb 2012 4 Comments

by Lucia in Faith Walk, Job Talk, Recovery Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

How fragile courage can be when it’s new, unpracticed, still developing… I went to work today, looking forward to the brief phone interview for the temp job, already planning how I might accommodate my present work responsibilities for the weeks I would be largely unavailable during normal business hours if I get the job. I wanted to give my colleague a heads up, in case my schedule needs to abruptly change. It caught her off-guard, as it had me, and the timing was poor. My eagerness rapidly shrank back to distress and concern. Would it work? Will I have to choose between a job I’d like to keep and a job I may need to be able to make ends meet in the coming weeks?

I was truly wishing I had my copy of Courage to Change with me. I would have turned to some pages on fear, worry, or some similar topic. (The thought to bring it had been there when I was getting ready for work. Once again, I dismissed the nudge I was getting from you know Who.)

So, I cast about in my memory banks for some 12-Step wisdom and remembered that I can choose what kind of attitude I want to hold. I could let my dismay and renewed fear dislodge the confidence I felt earlier this morning or I could remember that I need to take care of myself and trust God to work it out.

The irony, I realized as I was writing this, is that I had been given a classic “fear not” verse just this morning during my reflection time. In fact, I had recorded three such verses in my journal:

But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for see – I am bringing you good news of great joy…” (Luke 2:10 NRSV)

Perfect love casts out fear. (1 John 4:18 NKJV)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7 NKJV – This is one of my favorites.)

I’m also now remembering the spider that startled me when it dashed across my comforter as I was preparing for bed last night. Oy! Spider reminds me that if I am not decisive enough about changing my lot in life, I may end up being consumed by my fears and limitations. (Sams & Carson’s Medicine Cards, p 209) I wasn’t thrilled to abruptly encounter the speedy little critter, but I appreciated the message. (Services were held for it this morning…)

Ya think Someone’s trying to tell me something about letting go of my fears and moving past them? I can take a hint! (And I’d prefer not to wait till the 2 by 4 is needed!)

I don’t know what’s going to happen with the temp job. I didn’t receive word one way or the other this afternoon, but the gentleman interviewing me said it might be Monday morning before we (candidates) would know. Until then, I’ll plan my work keeping the possibility in mind, but let go the worry about receiving the job. I know that if I am fortunate enough to get this or some other position, God will be able to sort out the details.

Action step(s):

  • Went into work early and caught up on some personal emails.
  • Responded to an email that came because my resumé is posted on a job site. The message undoubtedly goes out to everyone with a resumé on the website (they’re looking for sales people), so I flipped things and asked the inquirer to let me know if he knows anyone who needs a good admin!
  • Asked a friend, who inquired how things were going, to let me know if she hears of any admin positions. She said she’d keep it in mind. “Networking” again! Whoo hoo! 🙂
  • Boldly shopped for some healthy foods, knowing that God will provide if I run short later in the month.

Day 60 – Thursday, Feb. 9th (60/306): Shifting gears and “unfreezing” the fear response

09 Feb 2012 1 Comment

by Lucia in Body/Health Talk, Change, Job Talk, Recovery Tags: , , , , , ,

In the conversation with my friend Wednesday morning, as we talked about fear, she mentioned the paradigm of “fight or flight.” It’s a familiar paradigm to me. What was new to me was the expanded paradigm she described, which recognizes a third response: “fight, flight or freeze.” More so than taking flight, certainly more than fighting, “freezing” is a familiar response for me.

Such responses are embodied reactions to fearful situations for all of us. I bring them up here because I want to remember something my friend suggested – an exercise that creates a kinesthetic experience to help me (and my body) learn a new, healthier response to fear.

The exercise is simple and can be done almost anywhere. You begin by “freezing,” standing perfectly still in one spot, consciously, intentionally, for several moments – long enough that your body knows it has “frozen,” stopped in its tracks. Then you intentionally choose to look about, turning your head if you like, but keeping the rest of your body in the “freeze.” Next, you choose a spot, then very intentionally choose to move to that spot. The dynamic experienced by you (and your body) is one of creating a new practice of moving from freezing to action. The fact that you consciously choose to do this helps you to discover that you can choose new responses to fearful situations as well.

Our conversation was really quite interesting. She pointed out that things that trigger fear can feel like they are life and death to us, even when we know that, in reality, they aren’t that big a deal. In the grand scheme of things, they might even be ridiculously non-threatening. Yet that doesn’t diminish the fearful response we might be feeling. It’s important to honor the fact that our bodies can experience something as threatening, even as our logical mind tries to tell ourselves we shouldn’t be so frightened. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

We talked about how intense emotional reactions to current events, that seem out of proportion to the situation, are often connected to something from our past. Reflecting on the current situation and asking ourselves what it reminds us of from the past may help uncover what is triggering the disproportionate reaction. Even if it doesn’t, acknowledging that our response is disproportionate and that it may be connected to some event from our past can help us let go some of the fear (or anger or other intense emotion) and move through the experience a little more easily.

Today I received a call from a staffing agency about a temp position. The position would begin Monday and be virtually full-time (Mon-Fri, 9:00-4:00) for six weeks. It was interesting to notice my body’s reaction to the possibility of needing to suddenly shift gears – the EEK! response. If I get the job, it would mean a sudden shift in when I can do my work at my present job, with no transition period. Boom! I would suddenly go from 14 to 46.5 hours per week.

I really hope I get the job – if this is where I’m meant to be for a time. I truly need the money, and I like the organization and would appreciate the opportunity to work there. Could it be that my ability to adjust to this possible change so quickly – I “unfroze” rapidly after the initial call to see if I was interested – happened as a result of Wednesday’s conversation about fear and learning how to respond to it differently?

And I haven’t even practiced the freezing, choosing a spot and moving to it yet!

Action step(s):

  • Had lunch with a friend and did an informal “informational interview” with her about chaplaincy work. (Which led me to even more questions we didn’t get to!) Networking!!
  • Said yes to a possible temp position and became willing to adapt as needed.
  • Listened to my body’s need for quiet this evening.

Day 57 – Monday, Feb. 6th (57/309): Coming out/Breaking Out

06 Feb 2012 2 Comments

by Lucia in Change, Queer Talk Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Before you leap to the popular understanding of what “coming out” means, let me start by saying that I don’t happen to be gay, bi or trans, though I count my many LGBTQ friends among my “heroes.” They have had to break through many (valid) fears and barriers to claim who they are. Whenever I’m around these friends, I wonder, how long will it take me to claim who I am, to be the person God created me to be?

I’ve carefully avoided talking about queerness in any sense of the word. And just in case you haven’t been hanging around academia in places like Berzerkley and other planets, queer is actually a term used and appreciated in academia around gender studies and the like, to explore the ways we push against the status quo and notions of the way things are or have been (as if they ever were a particular way). But I am not an academician, so I won’t even attempt to go there. I offer this point merely as a way of quieting, hopefully, the discomfort or concern some people feel about using the word “queer” in connection to notions of sexual orientation or gender.

I might as well tell you right now that I enjoy using the word “queer” because I rather like pushing against, well, lots of things that make some people uncomfortable. We are too often told what we “should” or “shouldn’t” do or say by others and that in itself is a good reason to question the way things are. (It’s also the nature of Aquarians to be a bit contrary.)

But my queerness – or lack thereof – is not what this is about for me. What I’m trying to do is to keep pushing at the boundaries I’ve built around myself that keep me from breaking through my fears. When I began considering bringing up LGBTQ topics (like, this morning), I balked. That’s not really what my blog is about, I thought. I don’t want to derail the conversation (even if it has largely been one-sided) that is here to help me break through my fears. Then I noticed that bringing up a subject about which I feel passionate (as in supporting LGBTQ people) brought up fear. Oops! And I thought this journey was merely going to be about organizing and purging the paper piles and finding adequate employment…

“Coming out,” for me, is about breaking through my fears and not being afraid to be who I am. I have so many friends who have had to face far worse fears than I do to be who they are and they are not only fine, they are amazing and often wonderfully successful because of who they are. The fact that I am so drawn to my lesbian and trans-women friends made me wonder about myself. Eventually I realized that the attraction I experience is not what I experience toward (“straight”) men, but rather the admiration for those who have had the courage to become more fully themselves.

For me, as someone who has considered herself to be shy most of her life, part of my “coming out” will be to embrace the closeted extrovert in me. I remember remarking to my pastor once that I was shy. He looked at me with a puzzled expression and said, “You’re shy?!” The memory of that moment stayed with me. It is only in the past couple of years that I have come to recognize that my shyness has really been about fear and being afraid to be who I am for fear people would dislike or reject me

There’s so much more to say on all this, but I’ll stop for now. Be prepared, though, now that I’ve brought up one of my favorite topics. (See, Aquarians really do like to be contrary and, I suspect, do a bit of trouble-making!)

Have a blessed and wonderful day being yourself!

Action step(s):

  • Writing a birthday card to my birthday “twin,” even though it’s a bit late.
  • Giving myself permission to perhaps regularly get to work early and take some time for my own tasks before “clocking in” – like writing this post.
  • Bringing up the “Q” word in this blog – despite the fact that I feel extremely nervous doing so. (Have I lost you now? ;-))

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries

© 2013 LuciasJourney.com