Day 10 – Wednesday: A New Beginning

14 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality, Transformation Tags: , , , ,

Dear friends,

Hopefully you find this (or receive) this post seamlessly. I have been thinking about changing my URL and took the plunge just minutes ago. Interesting to discover how scary such a simple (and inexpensive) process can be. Yet it was.

I’m asking myself, why does it feel so scary to do this? The simple answer, and possibly the most honest one, is that I have spent ridiculous amounts of money over the years starting new adventures, then failing to follow through. I know that’s what’s being triggered for me now. I have bought exercise equipment or paid for gym memberships, begun using them enthusiastically, then quickly petered out. I have bought dozens (hundreds?) of books or magazines, only to have them remain virtually untouched. I have also bought other random things to “improve” my situation or “help” me to xyz, only to realize later what a waste of money it was.

So, what’s different about this? The truth is, I don’t know – yet. Only time will tell. Why do it? Quite honestly, because my original domain name doesn’t really do much for me. It was simply part of an email address I’ve sometimes used when I want to be somewhat anonymous and it’s what I used when I first started nibbling at an earlier notion of this blog. However, “Lucia’s Journey” echoes how I feel about this blog, about this process and about my life in general. It feels like a blog title that can lead me anywhere I may choose to go.

Yesterday, I saw what may have (formerly) been a Porcupine on the side of the freeway. When I got home, I looked up Porcupine’s message (according to at least one author). Porcupine reminds me to trust, to have faith, to remember to play. Porcupine’s ‘contrary’ message reminds me that it is time to start anew by having faith in my ability to move through this challenging time with joy. This is what I want to remember for this day.

Blessings to you!

Today’s action step(s):

  • Registering/purchasing a new domain name.
  • (Not sure if it counts for me exactly, but) Helping my aunt and uncle load all their released clothing/shoes to take to a shelter. I’m not sure, but I’m wondering if my goal to clear stuff out might be contagious! 😉

Days 6-8 – Saturday-Monday: Discovering grace

12 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

Today (Monday) I experienced what it’s like to make room for grace.

This weekend, I hit a wall. When I imagined doing this project, I had a Pollyanna vision of daily sorting through this box, working on that job application, and generally being “productive” in some way toward the goal I set for myself. I anticipated endless energy, as if things would suddenly be different simply because I had set a goal that was far enough out to give me time to get somewhere, not realizing I would become a task master, fearing that a single day missed might become two, then three, then more. I figured that pushing myself was the answer. Except I forgot one tiny thing – I respond poorly to being pushed, even when I’m doing the pushing.

Because I had been blogging late each night, knowing it was late but determined to push through, I got up Saturday morning, showered, had breakfast, then ran out of steam! I went back to bed for two hours, then felt fuzzy for most of the day…and weekend. I did go by my storage unit on my way to a meeting, however, and picked up some things to sort.

Fortunately, I had a built-in reprieve on Sunday. After church, I helped my aunt finish spiffing-up the house before my cousins arrived for a family dinner. I enjoyed the visit, but kept yawning. They left early (around 8:00) and I was asleep shortly after 9:00.

The post I had started yesterday (Sunday) was startlingly different from my experience of today. My impatience was evident: “You see, I want all the stuff in the room next to me to be cleaned up, cleared up, organized and either in storage or neatly accessible for me now! I don’t want it to take a few weeks. I don’t want to have to have this messiness right next to me where I see it every time I open the door! I want to be surrounded by the order and neatness that has virtually never been a part of my surroundings, except in isolated instances (like before I move in and live for a few days) and I keep wondering why things aren’t happening faster!”

That’s how I was feeling – and I was exhausted from the constant pushing. But today, things shifted for me. By the end of the day, I had discovered how much more gracefully things go when I take time to listen, to let go, and to be gentle with myself.

I was wait-listed for a workshop at JVS this afternoon. It was full, but you can show up early and hope to get in. So I totally let go of expectations around getting in and made the trip to the City. If I didn’t get in, I would only be out some time and about $7.80 of BART fare. It was when I was driving home from the BART station after the trip that I noticed just how much grace had accompanied me this afternoon.

  • I found close, free parking.
  • I had a short wait for the train.
  • I had a delightful conversation with a stranger on the way to SF.
  • I got into the workshop (and it was pretty full).
  • A classmate next to me alerted me to the Linked-In II class next Monday.
  • I immediately registered and got in!
  • I got to the BART station quickly after class and had barely a 2-minute wait for my preferred train.
  • I easily got a seat – facing forward!
  • And I was greeted by carolers near the station exit – singing one of my very favorite Christmas carols, no less.

I even had easy traffic driving home.

Where does grace start? Was it the decision to follow my intuition to attend this workshop? The releasing of expectations around getting into it? Or was it in choosing to be kind to myself for the last twenty-four hours?

Every day this week, I have something scheduled and each ‘event’ is something that moves me in a healthy, helpful direction. Today, it was the workshop at JVS. Tomorrow, my first appointment with my employment specialist. Wednesday, a massage. Thursday, a meeting with my sponsor. Friday through Sunday, (InterPlay) Life Practice Program. Maybe I can carry what I learned today into the rest of my week…

(Btw, my mouse, which has not worked to scroll both directions for months now, is suddenly working properly. Who says miracles can’t happen every day?)

As for “progress” on my project each day (or each blog), I’ve decided to put those notes at the bottom each time. They aren’t often interesting, although I rather like keeping tabs so I can appreciate my progress.

My “action” step(s):

  • Saturday I picked up three containers of herbs and vitamins from storage to sort and clear out what I no longer want or need.
  • An ongoing step: to use (up) the lotion in the partially empty bottles I’ve been hanging onto to consolidate into a single bottle.

Day 2 – Tuesday: Unexpected bump…

06 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , ,

I am appreciating the responsibility of attending to this blog and to doing something that “counts” toward my goal. Yesterday, clearing out some things, then writing my post energized me. In fact, I was too energized to fall asleep at a reasonable hour. Today, I was yawning all day. I’m thinking that clearing stuff out and writing these posts should happen a bit earlier in the evenings.

Today, I feel as though I did far less, yet I notice that fear is starting to creep in… I noticed some mail I had recently picked up and went through that. It was easy to throw most of it away. The student loan notice was disconcerting, reminding me that I will soon need to do some paperwork around that. I actually can’t do it before a certain date, so it looms there rather ominously, an intimidating deadline.

I have a couple of meetings tomorrow, one for which I want to dress a bit nicer than I normally need to do. I spent some time trying on different clothes, realizing how little I have that’s suitable for interviews and similar situations. It was deflating. I also decided to switch to my new, more-professional-looking purse. You’d think that would be simple. But I started feeling nervous doing that simple, but not-so-easy task.

Moving out of my comfortable, casual, back-pack-style purse, in which I’ve been able to carry all sorts of things, was surprisingly disconcerting. You see, my comfy purse provides a kind of security blanket for me. I can carry a bottle of water, snacks, my planner, a small book to read, and all sorts of “in case I need them” things. Which is also why the silly thing ends up being so heavy – and decidedly unprofessional looking. So this one small task of moving into a more professional, conspicuously smaller purse started triggering the fears that accompany looking for work and doing interviews and all the steps in between.

Sometime between the trying on the clothes and putting together my new purse, I got a call from one of my credit card companies – the company that seems less willing to be patient with me as I make tiny payments on my overdue balances. It’s as if there was a convergence – a conspiracy even – of several nervous-making things come to shatter what serenity I might have had.

In fact, this is exactly the reason I started this blog, for it is these kinds of little things of combinations of things that derail me from forging ahead with so many bigger things.

Tomorrow, the meeting that actually has me nervous is a networking event sponsored by a vocational services organization. I am partly looking forward to it and partly (make that mostly) wanting to chicken out. But I’m not willing to avoid doing this. I am reminding myself that it doesn’t really matter what I look like (although I kind of think it does – just not as much as it feels like it does) and that my career and future do not depend on this one semi-social, semi-business event. The thing is, I have little experience “networking” and even less confidence in my ability to do it gracefully. Sometimes I can picture myself acting confidently, but inside I’m quaking a bit. And it isn’t even time to go there yet!

Alas! I know I want to keep moving ahead, even if it gets bumpy. Perhaps especially if it gets bumpy. So now, with wardrobe planned and purses exchanged, I will spend some time doing some journaling, reading and talking to God to wind down for bed and dispel this growing apprehension about tomorrow.

Thanks for listening. 🙂

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