Day 75 – Friday, Feb. 24th (75/291): Transformation happens even amidst the struggle…or because of it.

I was feeling better again yesterday, as though the depression had subsided, if not quite lifted. Then it sneak-attacked me again this morning. Like right now, when I don’t feel much like writing a blog post. Still, I know that maintaining regular posts (at least four per week) helps me to do the inner work I need to do.

On the way to work, my thoughts snowballed into tears that were connected to my aunt’s passing, family and the losses that come with growing old enough that my siblings and cousins and I are not far from being the elder generation. The precise reason for the tears was a little hazy, but it had to do with longing for connection and in knowing that my two siblings and my cousins will all be together at my aunt’s memorial service. I’ll be at home.

The odd part of it is that I’m okay with this. Several days ago I had been at peace with the realization that I didn’t have the money or the confidence in my vehicle to travel down to the memorial service. Then yesterday evening, after my sister called earlier that day to say that she and my brother would be going to the service, I put myself through a whirlwind of trying to find a way to get there.

I could afford to take the train down to my sister’s, but not the trip back. I could get a ride part way back with one of my cousins, but that wouldn’t have connected me to the train or any other public transportation to return me to wherever I would leave my car. Finally I realized that even if I could get help with train fare, my cousins would have to leave soon after the service (one has a plane to catch), so I wouldn’t really get to spend any time with them after all. And being with them, even more so than my siblings, was what I wanted. It was the way to be with my aunt.

Sometimes we find family simply by being with those who love and play with us. (Another InterPlay graduation moment.)

So I let it go. I returned to my earlier plan to stay home and began to experience serenity.

At bedtime, since I had finished a fiction book I was reading, I considered what to read before going to sleep. I chose to begin (again) Catherine Ponder’s book Open Your Mind to Receive. (She’s one of my favorite authors.) As I read those first pages again, slowly, already getting sleepy, I was struck by the possibility that my life could truly become quite different. In the introduction, Ponder asks why a “loving Creator” who wants to heal our physical bodies wouldn’t also want to heal our “sick pocketbooks.”

Suddenly, I had the clear thought, the spark of belief, that my financial situation could be radically different in only one year from what it is right now. The belief stemmed not from “magic thinking” as a friend of mine calls it, where our problems are suddenly swept away by a major windfall or the like, but rather from the simple fact that I am changing and being changed. Little by little my relationship with myself is being transformed and I am learning how to respond differently to my circumstances. I’m learning how to make wiser choices around financial matters and so many other things.

As I learn to love and appreciate myself, those fearful reactions to my financial circumstances at any given moment are shifting toward healthier choices, wiser choices. I may still bumble along in any given situation, but I am learning. Every now and then I am shown this by the deep responses that go past my thoughts and into my whole being to tell me that I “got” something that seemed elusive before. It may be only a seed, or it may be the first sprouts from that seed. Whichever it is, it is a sign of growth within and for that I am truly grateful.

Noticings:

  • How I can feel it in my whole body, my entire being, when I “get” something on a deeper, more profound level.
  • How serenity so often follows when I let go of something that is not working.
  • How God provides when I really need it – a paycheck that came just in time to pay a bill and to get me through the rest of the month.

Action step(s):

  • Looking for other options for attending my aunt’s service – then letting it go when it wasn’t working.
  • Attending to the deep needs of my spirit, even as I said yes to another possible temp job.
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