Day 26 – Friday, Dec. 29: Small things can feel pretty good

31 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , ,

I had planned to work today (Friday) just long enough to prepare the deposit. Instead, I recognized that I was tired of feeling rushed and took the time to consider what other tasks would be important or helpful to address. I checked phone messages, returned calls, answered the phone, and processed payments – none of which I had planned to do. I left feeling good about what I’d done and appreciating that my work next week will go a little more smoothly because of it.

It felt good to deliver the nutritional supplements I know I won’t be using to a friend. She called and left a message later saying she’ll be able to use quite a few of them. Yay! My releasing becomes her blessing. Isn’t that the way it should be?

Later in the day, after finishing a DVD from the night before, I felt an urge to do some organizing. In the short time I’ve been here, I already have a growing paper pile. The snowball effect of this all-too-frequent occurrence has typically been that I can’t find things I need and the pile grows…and grows…and becomes several piles. I have spent countless hours in frustrating searches for some essential piece of paper as a result of these proliferating piles. Yet dealing with them often feels overwhelming and intimidating.

Have you ever noticed that each piece of paper requires some kind of decision, and each decision is based on an evaluation of each piece of paper? If it’s a bill, the evaluation is around if, how and when I can pay it and where to keep it until I pay it. If it’s some type of correspondence, the evaluation is around my need to respond or not. Even if it’s advertising, I still ask myself if I need/want/care about the product or service. No matter what the paper is, the questions inevitably include: Do I need to do something in response to this? Do I keep it or toss it? Where do I keep it until I need to respond to it and/or where do I file it where I can find it again? Throw in the lack of any sort of filing space and that opens up a whole other challenge!

I’ve discovered that I do my best “paper work” when I have the “company” of something to watch on TV. Movies I enjoy and have seen before work quite nicely. If I miss part of them because I’m engrossed in what I’m doing, no biggie. If it’s recorded, I can rewind; if not, I’ve seen it before anyway. Just such a movie was on this evening and it felt good to start working on the papers I’ve accumulated this month – which included finally opening all the mail I picked up at the post office earlier this week.

It feels like such a small step. Yet it’s exactly one of the tasks I want to do more of on this journey. If I did this even twice a week, I wouldn’t have those boxes of unsorted papers filling up my storage units. Maybe I can find another movie to keep me company and have a fresh start by New Year’s Day.

I wonder, am I the only one who wrestles with these ridiculous piles of paper that seem to reproduce like bunnies all over my desk?

Today’s action step(s):

  • Relaxing at work by doing a bit more than planned.
  • Going through my mail and organizing some of the papers on my table.

Day 25 – Thursday, Dec. 29: Learning to let go

29 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , ,

A little over a year ago, I wrote something in my reflection journal that I appreciated reading this morning. I was responding to several things: a verse from Philippians (4:11), where Paul writes that he has learned to be content with whatever he has; a reflection with this verse from a Daily Guideposts devotional (not sure which year, probably 2010); and the events that were going on in my life at the time – upcoming surgery, final semester in seminary and so on. In some ways I am in a very different place in my journey; in other ways, I am very much in the same place. Here’s the gist of what I wrote:

The (devotional) author talked about a mythical place called “When,” as in when I get done with xyz, I’ll do this. I know this place well – I think I lived there most of my life. But when I read this devotion, I realized I have already moved out of “When,” at least for the most part.

I can hear lingering thoughts in my mind even now; wistful images of happiness when this happens or time to do that when that happens. The difference is that now I know better. I finally get that things in me, especially behavior patterns, do not change just because outer circumstances change. Moving into a nicer room will not magically cause my files to suddenly become organized. Nor will buying new organizers relieve the problem either. (I’ve tried that many, many times.)

It’s taken me a long time to get this far and I still have a ways to go. Most of my progress has been through letting go of the fruitless seeking of quick fixes. And that has been a slow lesson to get.

I still dream of a larger room, a nicer apartment with lots of light and camaraderie, a loving partner to share my life, and so on. But I know it takes time for all of this to happen – especially for me to become ready to receive these dreams. In the time between now and whatever blessings may await me, I am learning more and more to appreciate all that I have now.

 The funny thing is, I did get a couple of those things. I moved into an apartment with a friend. The place had lots of light and my room seemed much larger, although it probably wasn’t that different in size. But my fears kept me from moving forward and I didn’t know how to break the patterns of my behavior that were holding me back.

I’m still working on this, which is why I am here, writing this now. I read something else that I wrote in another journal entry last year that I keep thinking about:

Every step toward trust is a step away from fear.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot in the last few days after coming across it. Sometimes I think my fears are this giant challenge I have to overcome all at once, with or without God’s help. I forget that sometimes it really only does take those small steps, one by one, little by little putting distance between me and the fear that used to hold me back.

Today I took another step, trusting that whichever way things went, God would show me the way to what I need. I’m still learning how to make this more of a consistent way to respond to my fears and know that this, too, takes time and practice.

How do you let go or move past the fears and challenges in your life?

Today’s action step(s):

  • Getting my thyroid prescription filled – affordably and gracefully easily! (I was anxious that the prescription was “past due,” but that wasn’t an issue whatsoever.)
  • Taking some things to storage.
  • Parking a little farther away from where I need to go just to get a bit more walking in.

Day 21 – Sunday, December 25: Trusting the process

26 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , , ,

My sponsor often says, “Trust the process.” It reminds me to remember that taking all the small steps, working the program, and simply continuing on the path will bring changes and transformations along the way. I may not be able to see the changes right away. Usually it happens when I do something so differently from my pre-recovery behavior that it catches my attention.

Today, “Trust the process,” came to mind as I let go of my hopeful plans to work on my blog while my aunt and uncle were enjoying Christmas Day dinner elsewhere. They both awoke with sore throats and (wisely) decided to stay home and take it easy. For my uncle, this included spending time in his office. When they were having dinner and I peeked into his office to see if I might use his computer, I saw that he was in the middle of a sewing project and had stuff all over the desk. (The man amazes me. He endlessly repairs things, including his many denim shirts and pants. May I be so active and productive in the years to come!)

Since I had to abandon my anticipated blog-time, I decided to do something fun. I headed to the movie theater to catch what looks to be a delightful and enjoyable movie…only to discover it wasn’t even on the electronic ticket purchasing menu! I overheard someone say “sold out” to someone else and wondered if it might be this movie. In any case, I drove by a couple more theaters, then let it go and returned home.

Later, while watching some DVDs, I found myself antsy to do something toward my goals. Since finances are a primary concern and I have difficulty keeping a handle on what I actually have to work with, I recently purchased some “realistic” play money to see if working with that could help me get a better picture of my monthly resources.

I counted out one paycheck’s worth of play money. Then I set aside my usual set monthly expenditures: my tithe, storage, cell phone, car insurance, and so on. I then figured out what I typically spend on gas and what I need for a couple of other bills. The remaining amount was disconcertingly little for food, other groceries, and everything else from public transportation to vitamin supplements to unexpected necessities.

As my anxiety started to increase, I remembered something I recently read in a book by one of my favorite authors. The (true) story was of a man who was struggling in his business. Rather than stressing about it, he took the small amount of money he had, gave thanks for it, and paid what he could. Over time, as he continued this practice, his finances did indeed improve.

It was truly helpful to begin seeing what I have to work with on my present income, to remember to be thankful for what I have, and to know that I can always do something. As I let go the fear, I found myself able to see what I do have, rather than what I don’t – and that was a blessing!

Today’s action step(s):

  • Going through two plastic bins of nutritional supplements I’ve had for some time and releasing almost all of them. (I’m passing them onto a friend to see if they might be helpful to her, which admittedly made it much easier to release them.)
  • Using play money to help me get a better picture of my available finances.

Day 20 – Saturday morning, December 24th: Reflections

24 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality, Transformation Tags: , , , , ,

I read a few pages in Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II last night – two were listed under patience in the index (p. 197 & 210, July 15 & 28). One of them talked about all the small steps and countless things that precede what appears to be an abrupt change or healing.

There are definitely times when I feel as if I have experienced a sudden shift or change, even though I know it didn’t happen out of nowhere. Even though I am often eager, sometimes even anxious, for a particular something to happen, in recent months I have begun discovering a patience with my process that feels new. Sometimes I wonder if it is just the natural maturity that comes with age and experience. Often I know better and recognize the work I have been doing for many years now.

As I was writing this, my eyes landed on the small lighthouse calendar I recently picked up for only a dollar. I bought it because I liked – and still like – the idea of daily seeing a lighthouse as a reminder of God’s light in my life. I know that I would not have made the progress I have, were it not for God’s unending light showing me the way.

I sometimes wish I could run ahead to get to the easier, more comfortable places in the journey. But I’ve discovered and come to appreciate the value in moving slowly enough to absorb and integrate what I’m learning along the way.

A story I heard or read long ago comes to mind. A woman woke up one morning to discover that she could see perfectly well without her glasses. But because she couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept it as a reality in her life, she soon required wearing glasses again. I don’t remember if her clear vision lasted hours or days. I don’t even remember if the story was actually about a woman or a man. What I remember is that her (or his) inability to accept that incredible blessing is what caused things to revert back to the way they had been before.

I know that my thinking is what needs to change the most in my life. Any healing, any blessing, any manifestation of unexpected abundance will be sustainable only when I can believe and accept it. Until I truly believe I am loved by God and that God wants my recovery, my healing and an abundance of blessings for my life more than I want it for myself, only then will I be ready and willing to receive these things.

I wonder, what do I believe about my eyes and their ability to be restored to their former, normal and healthy condition? About my finances and my ability to have a place I can actually call “home”? About all the other things I want and hope for in my life?

What do you believe about yourself and the things you hope for in your own life?

Day 17 – Wednesday, Dec. 21: Mixed feelings

21 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Recovery, Spirituality Tags: , , , , , , ,

This morning I woke up with the freedom to not leap out of bed and get a busy start to my day. I lay there and began to thank God for the things I was noticing and appreciating in that moment: Being able to sleep until I was “done.” The comfort in my right eye, which has been bothersome these past few days. The space over the holidays to attend to such things as student loan paperwork and other financial matters. Even the time to start jotting down the many things that actually do need my attention if I am to take care of myself better.

When I thanked God for my aunt and uncle and having a safe space to stay for the holidays, I ended up in tears as a mixture of pain and appreciation filled me. The ‘pain’ is the loneliness I feel and the longing for family, particularly for my son and for the aunt, uncle and cousins I grew up with from my mother’s side of the family. (I’m staying with my dad’s older brother.) My other uncle has passed on and my other aunt lives in a lovely and personable assisted-living facility several hours away. My cousins, their children, have, of course, grown up and now have families of their own all around the state. My son is living a couple of states away and neither of us have the funds for travel to see each other. I wonder if he knows how much I miss him and how often.

The appreciation I felt is deep gratitude for being with family rather than strangers and for being in a place that feels safe and familiar. It gives me the space to attend to the challenges that are on my plate at the moment. And these are the edges where fear tends to live.

Student loan paperwork to defer repayment, finding housing where rent will not be needed (at least for a time), and addressing healthcare issues with no insurance can be challenging on a well-paid day. They feel intimidating to me right now, when my finances are so tight. I wonder how I will ever be able to take care of these things on my present income.

When I try to muster the energy and courage to search for work, it just isn’t there if I’m in the midst of feeling overwhelmed. The release of tears this morning helped. It is helpful to acknowledge just how difficult this journey is for me right now.

For a little while, I felt energized to begin tackling some of these scary things and resume the tiny steps toward my goals. But I can’t always turn on that tear-release-valve and capture a sudden burst of energy and confidence. Most of the time, I have to keep reading things, reminding myself that I am not alone on this journey, and keep taking those baby steps. (The movie “What About Bob?” comes to mind. Maybe I should look for it at the library.)

How do you face these kinds of challenges in your own life? Or what kinds of challenges are you facing? I’d be interested to hear, if you’re willing to share.

Take care and be blessed.

Today’s action step(s):

  • Threw away a formerly favorite velour sweater that I virtually never wear anymore. 😦
  • Checked bank balance and downloaded statement to balance.
  • Re-posted ad to find housing on Craigslist.

Day 10 – Wednesday: A New Beginning

14 Dec 2011 Leave a comment

by Lucia in Change, Recovery, Spirituality, Transformation Tags: , , , ,

Dear friends,

Hopefully you find this (or receive) this post seamlessly. I have been thinking about changing my URL and took the plunge just minutes ago. Interesting to discover how scary such a simple (and inexpensive) process can be. Yet it was.

I’m asking myself, why does it feel so scary to do this? The simple answer, and possibly the most honest one, is that I have spent ridiculous amounts of money over the years starting new adventures, then failing to follow through. I know that’s what’s being triggered for me now. I have bought exercise equipment or paid for gym memberships, begun using them enthusiastically, then quickly petered out. I have bought dozens (hundreds?) of books or magazines, only to have them remain virtually untouched. I have also bought other random things to “improve” my situation or “help” me to xyz, only to realize later what a waste of money it was.

So, what’s different about this? The truth is, I don’t know – yet. Only time will tell. Why do it? Quite honestly, because my original domain name doesn’t really do much for me. It was simply part of an email address I’ve sometimes used when I want to be somewhat anonymous and it’s what I used when I first started nibbling at an earlier notion of this blog. However, “Lucia’s Journey” echoes how I feel about this blog, about this process and about my life in general. It feels like a blog title that can lead me anywhere I may choose to go.

Yesterday, I saw what may have (formerly) been a Porcupine on the side of the freeway. When I got home, I looked up Porcupine’s message (according to at least one author). Porcupine reminds me to trust, to have faith, to remember to play. Porcupine’s ‘contrary’ message reminds me that it is time to start anew by having faith in my ability to move through this challenging time with joy. This is what I want to remember for this day.

Blessings to you!

Today’s action step(s):

  • Registering/purchasing a new domain name.
  • (Not sure if it counts for me exactly, but) Helping my aunt and uncle load all their released clothing/shoes to take to a shelter. I’m not sure, but I’m wondering if my goal to clear stuff out might be contagious! 😉

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