Day 20 – Saturday morning, December 24th: Reflections

I read a few pages in Courage to Change: One Day at a Time in Al-Anon II last night – two were listed under patience in the index (p. 197 & 210, July 15 & 28). One of them talked about all the small steps and countless things that precede what appears to be an abrupt change or healing.

There are definitely times when I feel as if I have experienced a sudden shift or change, even though I know it didn’t happen out of nowhere. Even though I am often eager, sometimes even anxious, for a particular something to happen, in recent months I have begun discovering a patience with my process that feels new. Sometimes I wonder if it is just the natural maturity that comes with age and experience. Often I know better and recognize the work I have been doing for many years now.

As I was writing this, my eyes landed on the small lighthouse calendar I recently picked up for only a dollar. I bought it because I liked – and still like – the idea of daily seeing a lighthouse as a reminder of God’s light in my life. I know that I would not have made the progress I have, were it not for God’s unending light showing me the way.

I sometimes wish I could run ahead to get to the easier, more comfortable places in the journey. But I’ve discovered and come to appreciate the value in moving slowly enough to absorb and integrate what I’m learning along the way.

A story I heard or read long ago comes to mind. A woman woke up one morning to discover that she could see perfectly well without her glasses. But because she couldn’t believe it, couldn’t accept it as a reality in her life, she soon required wearing glasses again. I don’t remember if her clear vision lasted hours or days. I don’t even remember if the story was actually about a woman or a man. What I remember is that her (or his) inability to accept that incredible blessing is what caused things to revert back to the way they had been before.

I know that my thinking is what needs to change the most in my life. Any healing, any blessing, any manifestation of unexpected abundance will be sustainable only when I can believe and accept it. Until I truly believe I am loved by God and that God wants my recovery, my healing and an abundance of blessings for my life more than I want it for myself, only then will I be ready and willing to receive these things.

I wonder, what do I believe about my eyes and their ability to be restored to their former, normal and healthy condition? About my finances and my ability to have a place I can actually call “home”? About all the other things I want and hope for in my life?

What do you believe about yourself and the things you hope for in your own life?

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